Celestial Butterflies
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Description:
Any comments you can give me would be helpful.
Celestial Butterflies
Lilting wings of girlish fancies light atop snow crusted pansies, and some where a watch stops its monotonous death m a r c h. Like rising dust furling under the sun in mid-summer's scorching blaze, two thoughts nod-- tipping their hats, haloed in an air of finality. Never again will their paths cross the same lonesome bridge. The trains have all left, the station is silent, and crumpled tissues litter the abandoned platform. |
Submitted on 2004-12-01 00:26:05 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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I loved the poem as a whole and I can honestly say that that doesn't happen all too often, usually unless its great I only like bits and peices of a work ignoring its beauty as a whole. It is a problem that I I'm willing to admit, but I really liked this poem. I love how you insinuate everlasting love. THe beauty of the butterfly makes stop cease as its grace lives forever. What a wonderful message and what a great portrayal of such thoughts. And then you turn the poem around and present an opposite to these hopes. You contrast the initial theme potrayed in the opening lines with thoughts that promote a more lonely persona and saddened atmosphere. The place where beauty once filled the air so thick is now nothing more than another lot of empty space. Very well written, there is nothing really negative I can say about this poem. Thanks so much for this read.| | Posted on 2005-04-10 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ] | You don't seem to actually specify what the butterlies are: Whether they are people, angels, faeries, butterflies, or something else. That is rather confusing, but other then that, this is a beautiful little poem. I especially like the first stanza, ("Lilting wings/ of girlish fancies/ light atop snow crusted pansies,/ and some where/ a watch stops its monotonous death m a r c h.") I especially love how you write march, since it really makes you think about what these beings are doing. Overall, pretty decent work. :3 | | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by Ajyra | [ Reply to This ] | Alas, the parting of ways. A sign of things nevermore to be. Quite a dark piece, like a view of the sun through a sandstorm (forgive me, I live in the desert, I know no other comparisons *smiles*) Crumpled tissues littered the abandoned platform, just... wow. The end of something, it just... I guess it gets to me, because I hate goodbyes, something this is hauntingly beautiful portrait of. A very small amount of work on grammar, mainly punctuation, would have this piece restored to the proper chill I feel in it. The feeling is there. Excellent, I must say. | - Virgil | Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by Aphotic Sunrise | [ Reply to This ] | Hells bells, after your long homily in your journal on the qualities of a good critic, I'd better be ultra careful what I say. | What your two butterflies are, you don't actually say. There is a big difference between one reader seeing your butterflies as ecaped extra toons from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and another reader seeing them as the dreams and aspiration of young girls and a third seeing them as sexually provocative Lolitas. I personally do not believe my interpretation of your poem can be valid, unless you establish the reality behind your imagery. I do like the carefully chosen lepidopterous language of liltling and lighting, furling and crumpling. Whatever your butterflies may symbolize, you certainly describe them in a beautifully appropriate airy fashion. There is basic rule of phonetics, that, however many syllables a word might have, we do our best to give each word the same length of time, which means that in terms of microseconds we tend to pronounce polysyllables quickly and monosyllables slowly in order to have them occupy the same time slot. In your description of the watch, although "monotonous" has the right meaning, it has the wrong sounding for a slow ticking watch. Four separate single syllabled words instead of the 4 syllabled "monotonous" would have been much more onomatopoieic. Like rising dust furling under the sun in mid-summer's scorching blaze, Something strikes me as slightly wrong here. I think it is what Jemma Dumptruck describes as a dangling participle. That word "furling" surely belongs to the buterflies or their wings as dust might well swirl, but probably never furl. I feel it needs a subject for "furling: as in Wings furl. Otherwise, if furling does apply to dust, I (speaking entirely personally of course) would find it not an appropriate word. The image of tipping haloed hats was both alliterative and a beautifully apposite image. You conjure up a picture of a Victorian train station on Ascot Day with ladies in bonnets and crinolines. If you don't establish the meaning of your butterflies, then I am correct in my imagined scene. "and crumpled tissues litter the abandoned platform." is a great iamge which represents the dead butterflies and the death, destruction and duisappointment of whatever else they stood for. | Posted on 2005-01-23 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ] | wow, this was really good. the only thing i didn't like, was that the rhythm seemed a little off to me. one minute the lines were long and flowey, and the next, they seemed like they were cut off to soon. if this makes no sense, sorry. but otherwise, this was pretty good. | | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by floating_pain89 | [ Reply to This ] | what sucks is that... your poem is halfway from getting taken from the "recent list" but not alot of people were able to read it. :( | to me this is an amazing piece. it just speaks in levels of a rogue relationship that slightly reminds me of Alfonso Cuaron's - "Y Tu Mama Tambien" i also though the ending was amazing. it was so simple but it gave so much. and, Kudos for depicting the presence of time in the form of a death march. good job.  | Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ] | Your writing style is different, but I like it. The flow breaks here and there, but overall well done. You project your emotional state and use your words in a powerul manner. | | Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by amlyn | [ Reply to This ] | yeA. riGht about now theRe'd bE a teardrop rOLLing dOwn mY cHeek. | tHat's it. i'm adding this tO mY favoRite. it wOuLd bE kindA oDD if tHe tiSSue wOuLd be drEnchEd in bLood and nOt tEars. :( kidding. kidding. kidding. WeLL Done,,, Don't chAngE a wOrd. thIs is oNe heLL of a pIece.  | Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by Iris DeCarto | [ Reply to This ] | Again...a very nice piece. | I like your style...work it! I am amd defining and refining my style every day, and I know that it's the best way to grow as a writer. All I can say by way of constructive critique is: fine tuning! Makes for best possible flow and post powerful use of words. It's clear that you have a great understanding of what poetry is meant to do, and that you have a lot of talent...keep going! | Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by Jemma Dumptruck | [ Reply to This ] | I think this is great write. You set the scene perfectly and used some great language: "Like rising dust, furling under the sun" - what a great piece of language and what a brilliant comparison. You seem to have outdone yourself with those two lines. Great job! | | Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ] | I liked it so much! I understand why you put it under the class Longing. It gave me many pictures, images inside of my head about the location, and the charaters. Nice, nice nice work! | | Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by melancholymaid | [ Reply to This ] | |
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