Description: This is about those people whom you get sick and tired of their being so perfect which sometimes can get you in the nerves. Almost all adore them that they have memorized all their movements. That is just so sick.
Sick -------------------------------------------
I look at you
And I remember
How you run your fingers
Along the strands of your hair
A perfect motion
Like you don't seem to care
I look at you
And I remember
How you glance your eyes
Across the lighted room
That pretends to follow
My every move
I look at you
And I remember
How you breathe in air
As it rushes into your body
Moves my soul deep
Into lasting eternity
I look at you
And I remember
How you call out my name
Your lips whisper a song
I sway along its tune
So as the spirit longs
I look at you
And I remember
How your hands made contact
With my sensitive skin
Your gentle touch
Reawakes the inner sin
Wow. Threw me for a loop. Even though I read the description before the poem when I started reading it got me so into it I figured it was a longing piece. Missing what you can't have. But, that last line. Like the knife plunging through the heart, just woke me up. How often have I thought this myself? I asked myself. Wow. Good Job. ~BCute
I see a lot of conflict in the piece. It's almost a love/hate relationship the protagonist shares with the subject his musings. I like that inner struggle, it adds a certain depth to the whole that I found most intriguing.
On another note your structure was not wasted on me. the repetition of the couplet line brings on a since of flashback and then on to the 4 line stanza with the abcb pattern. nice structure. subtle rhymes in there keeps it from becoming too simple
example:
tune/move body/eternity
I enjoyed this piece, I can see you spent a little effort on it.
Finally. I've read several poems today and I finally found one that I liked. While the topic was rather unoriginal, the poem itself was very original, which is all that matters. I must say that my favorite aspect of the poem was the ironic ending...I almost didn't see it coming. Okay, I didn't see it coming. Anyway, this piece was really enjoyable...a very almost passionate way of describing hatred for someone. I do feel like this is about something alot deeper and alot more personal than what you describe, but that's ok. Nice job. -brandy
Submission Name: Sick
Okay, I didn't see it coming. Anyway, this piece was really enjoyable...a very almost passionate way of describing hatred for someone. I do feel like this is about something alot deeper and alot more personal than what you describe, but that's ok. Nice job.