Holding My Head-revised by sweet-fire

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Submission Name: Holding My Head-revised dots

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Author:	sweet-fire
ASL Info:	21/f/ky
Elite Ratio:	3.8 - 296/279/42
Words:	127

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	348
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	816

Description:
i know this is really far fetched...at the time i was hurt but when i tried to write about it-this is what came out-in the end it was funny in a sick sort of way and so i decided that i would post it. let me know what you think.

Holding My Head-revised dots

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I sit on my bed
Holding my head,
By my long brown hair.

I look at my eyes
The ones I despise,
They hold me in their stare.

I thump my nose
And wiggle my toes,
I see no difference there.

I pull on my lips
With my fingertips,
What a perfect pair.

I pinch my skin
Its so very thin,
As if it might just tear.

I slap my face
What a disgrace,
Life just isn’t fair.

To take off your head
While sitting in bed,
Is really very rare.

My low self-esteem
It wont let me dream,
Because i always compare.

So look in the mirror.
It might just get clearer,
As your mind escapes it lair.

Submitted on 2004-12-01 09:24:28 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hmmmm. Interesting, comparing is a horrible thing to do sometimes. I believe that if a person compares to much with someone there not (and nobody is you exactly) then you begin to lose terack of who you really are and what type of purpose you wish to live out in life. BUT you understand this because the mirror i believe is symbolic in that its you who in the end will always be you, and will never lead you astray in life. I really like this poem especially revised. Great job.
| Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by Medieval Aztec | [ Reply to This ]
  Funny and cute... I liked it. The stanzas made it stand out and made your ryhming sound good. Your choice of words allowed you to give a perfect picture of what it would be like it you could take off your head. Which only one could imagine what you would do to it. Good job and keep it up.
| Posted on 2004-12-10 00:00:00 | by smiling death | [ Reply to This ]
  ok. well i really don't remember how the original went- i think the holding your head part was only at the end and the rest was sort of ambiguous. now you've stated it in the first stanza. it makes for a more straight forward read, which isn't good or bad, just a different take. (though i admit that it makes the poem a lot clearer and i like it). the same actions are described...but now they have a sort of different sort of visual- i can really see you holding your head by the hair and scrutinizing it. there is a sort of light-heartedness in the tone (most likely due to the simple and easy-o-read triplets) that is betrayed by the darker actions that are being described. however, if i remember, i think you've changed the end-
and i am puzzled. what might get clearer? why would your mind escape all this self-judgement if you looked in the mirror like you are (symbolically)? overall it was still interesting, but it makes less sense. i so applaud your effort to improve upon the original, it really shows, and it's obvious that some time was spent on it despite the simple rhymes. I'm thinking Shel even more.
| Posted on 2005-03-06 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
   The last verse completely lost me. It does not go with the rest of it very well. I have sat in the mirror and just analyzed myself before. Somedays I feel prettier than others. This was a cute piece.
| Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with LL here. I felt the last stanza was a surprise bit it fits in that the poem is about self doubt/examination...so throwing that last stanza in was rather brilliant. good stuff
| Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  see kayler:) Told you it was a great poem, ppl like it, as I said they would. I already told you what I think of it...MAN! wish my vioce would come back:'(

->Dark
| Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by drk_angl_17 | [ Reply to This ]
  the last part was... well it didn't fit the topic at all except maybe the last line.i do think it's funny yet sick to sit there holding your own head. that's a rare thing indeed. it sorta reminded me of something shel silversteen might write. he wrote all those children's books and they're so innocent and simple in their rhyme but the subject matter is often a little disturbing. just remember, you've gotta put that thing back on sooner or later.
| Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
  I really enjoyed this poem. It seemed like it should be in a Shel Silverstein book. I thought the imagry was great. I loved how it was so short and cute. Not sick in the slightest...very comical. The image in my mind was hilarious...and I aplogize since this was written ina time of dispair. You have a great way with words. Keep it up! :)
~Jane
| Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by Jane Lost | [ Reply to This ]
  It seems like to me the poem you to is in a way judgeing you. judging you mentally and phiscally. its as if your the saddest person in the world but what world because your all alone making it that much worse. for me i find no funny parts in it, it was all tragic and sad. One line that stood out though was the "to take off your head" line I cannot help but ponder if your refering to Emily Dickenson on a letter she explaining what a poem does. well have to go hope you can see my page and comment on "Rachel" it would really make me feel happy if you did.
| Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by Medieval Aztec | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem put an absolutely hilarious picture in my head. I'm sure that's not what you meant to, especially since you were angry at the time you wrote this. It's a good poem, and despite the funny imagery, the serious message shows. Great write.
| Posted on 2004-12-01 00:00:00 | by Luckyduck | [ Reply to This ]

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