You said your heart was hurting,
a calculus-induced headache
moved to your chest.
A facsimile pain arises in me;
our eyes water the carpet.
I hope to be the pill
to dull your throbbing,
an addictive narcotic
that overtakes all dreams,
all thoughts of her.
um... yes. being a pill is a wierd goal, being a narcotic even stranger... seems to be about selfishness bordering on obsession, hoping to get someone else adicted on you and oblivious to others...or at least another.
i thought this was pretty good, my only problem was the phrase 'facsimile pain' - don't thank that seems right somehow, can't place my finger on it, but it just doesn't jibe with the rest. anyway, just me 2 cents, take it or leave it. again, good write. :-)
How hard it is to replace another, especially when the other is still entrenched in the heart of the one you're trying to win over. Your subject best beware of the rebound effect. It's like drinking to forget;once you sober up, the problem is still there.
Interesting how you take a rather sterile, technical term like facsimile and make it fit with something as human as pain...nice work
you give me a hard time with all these technical expressions, but it's okay. and it adds to the poem. you use these technical terms but put so much emotion and personal meaning behind it. I don't feel the need to replace 'pain'.would complicate it to much I think. 'pain' is fine. really good poem.
I like the images you've written here "calculus induced headache", "tears water the carpet", and "facsimile pain" I can relate to these. Thanks for sharing, we all know what it's like to be with a friend in need. Thanks for sharing, Nan
Sweet-as my young son would say! You encapsulized that wierd space where the former yet now active counterpart speaks, yea also demands TRUTH. More about which -later==suffice to say, this is a grand start-Later Silver
I loved the idea of being there for a special person-as an analgesic- "I hope to be the pill To dull your throbbing An addictive narcotic That overtakes all dreams All thoughts of her"
Not vindictive,-just a self-assured and sensible call- to restore some semblance of orfer in your respective live. Lovin' It Silver