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    dots Submission Name: In a Glancedots

    Author: Jimma
    ASL Info:    22/m/Melb Aust
    Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 217/234/54
    Words: 249
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 811
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1735

       Here's my love life in a single glance.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn a Glancedots

    Listen up
    Lend an ear
    You're about to hear
    My proclamation
    To the world
    To Mankind
    To the state
    To the nation
    I put my life
    To a page
    Come share my rage
    Fell my sorrow
    Grab a cup
    And fill it up
    Prepare to taste
    The pills i swallow
    Cry my tears
    Feel my fears
    Live the years
    I've had to follow
    Walk my path
    Through light and dark
    Come see my heart
    All black and hollow
    The love I've lost
    I tried to win it
    I couldn't catch
    I couldn't pin it
    Once romantic
    Now a cynic
    I got so frantic
    I got so desperate
    But a lonely nothing
    Is all I'm left with
    I've been cock-teased
    And I've been burnt
    I've begged and pleaded
    And ended hurt
    There's been promises broken
    And lies have been told
    When all i want
    Is someone to hold
    I want to feel connection
    I want to feel accepted
    And through all these years
    I've been scorned and rejected
    I have slept with strangers
    I have hit on friends
    I have fallen in love
    And I've had to pretend
    I want someone whose eyes
    I can look into and know
    That they'll be by my side
    Wherever I go
    There have been times
    When I thought I had found her
    A girl who makes me happy
    Whenever I'm around her
    But they just didn't give me
    The things that I need
    They weren't quite the girl
    That I'm hoping you'll be.

    Submitted on 2004-12-02 04:55:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      hmm...i wonder what a therapist would say? lol...I would like to complimeny your sense of poetic rhythm and also offer an encouragment,
    your style is really cool and I feel like there's an authentic voice that wants to break out of this poem, but you will kill that voice if you use too many worn out rhymes..e., years, tears, fears...page, rage... you really start to get a nice flow in the last half of the piece, but I feel that all the songy phrasing at the beginning bogs things down...I don't mean to bum you out and please know that I don't offer comments like this unless I see raw talent and the potential for something really great. I'd love to see what you could do with this if you just broke into some more free-form expression. Keep working the chops...I want to hear that voice loud and clear!
    | Posted on 2004-12-02 00:00:00 | by Jemma Dumptruck | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this piece. I like your style. However I found it difficult to find a rhyming pattern, seeing that there was a lot of rhyming going on. With this type of structure, I guess it is harder to see the pattern without any puntuation.
    As to your love life, at the age of 22 you seem to have experienced a lot already, but not to worry, I was married at 19-divorced at 32 and my real love life didn't start until then. And at the age of 60 I met the real love of my life, or at least was able to appreciate love more. You don't have to wait that long though
    | Posted on 2004-12-02 00:00:00 | by arkay | [ Reply to This ]
      Well HOLY [censored]. This is one of the bestttttttt besstttt poems I've read on eliteskills. Shit you said it all right here. And it flowed seamlessly. Great work. It is extremely relatable to. lol
    | Posted on 2004-12-02 00:00:00 | by graffitijeans | [ Reply to This ]

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