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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bare Ass Naked Truthsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Brownsdelight
    ASL Info:    25/F/NUEVO MEXICO
    Elite Ratio:    4.43 - 1251/1055/115
    Words: 122
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 2664
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 867



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBare Ass Naked Truthsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The strength that you admire so
    is reflected through smoked mirrors.
    Behind the stage there is nothing more
    then a frightened little girl choking on her tears.

    The beauty that holds your gaze
    and causes lust to stir
    Get's applied every morning
    like a knights protective armor.

    The figure that you long to
    hold, kiss and posess.
    Comes gift wrapped in pink paper...
    Victoria's Secret and Fredrick's.

    The sense of humor that can place
    a smile upon your face.
    Camouflages all the emotions
    of depair, loneliness and disgrace.

    Here I stand and hand over
    the bare ass naked truths.
    No more lies, deceits or make belive
    Can you still love what's before you?







    Submitted on 2004-12-02 11:21:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      im sooo happy i found this one T! i like this take it or leave it attitude. this piece says...all honesty upfront!

    you give us a look at everything you have to offer...no apologies...just simply stated...and put yourself out there. thats brave girl, and strong...as i have always known you are!

    brava, T!

    -Nikki
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by stolie77 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the challenge that rings out at the end of this poem. Can you take it? It's a good question, and I can imagine you, hip and eyebrow cocked, asking it. Your eyes say, no, I don't think you can. Haha.

    I noticed a few errors you know and since this is your featured piece I'm going to highlight them for you, so maybe it's not a great suggestion to help, but maybe it's something in the proper spirit!

    The strength that you admire so
    is reflected through smoked mirrors.
    Behind the stage <there's> nothing more
    <than> a frightened little girl choking on her tears.

    The beauty that holds your gaze
    and causes lust to stir
    <Gets> applied every morning
    like a <knight's> protective armor.

    The figure that you long to
    hold, kiss and <possess>.
    Comes gift wrapped in pink paper...
    Victoria's Secret and <Frederick's.>

    The sense of humor that <places>
    a smile upon your face <,>
    Camouflages all <these feelings>
    of depair, loneliness and disgrace.

    Here I stand and hand over
    the bare ass naked <truth>.
    No more lies, deceits or make <believe>
    Can you still love what's before you?

    Suggestions or spellchecks in < >.

    I don't mean to nitpick but I noticed no one had done that, so you know . . . doing my part and all that! I'm a perfectionist when it comes to poetry, so please, don't beat me down!

    I liked the delivery and in-your-face of this. Just a little polish for this gem!
    | Posted on 2005-07-02 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      you sound like you're one of this [censored]-ass college cheeleaders. hehe this was funny, but added the tinch of gloom in the end. love this.
    | Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by serpentarius | [ Reply to This ]
      i love the imagery you use and the message that a man usually looks at women as just a sexual experience. i love how you challenge them into looking deeper, underneath the makeup and the sexy clothes and see the real person women really are. brilliant absolutely brilliant and a beautiful message. keep it up you are a very talented writer and a great inspiration
    | Posted on 2004-12-25 00:00:00 | by withouthope | [ Reply to This ]
      first, i only saw the title as bare ass naked,lol

    This is a great poem from the first line until the last line, I think u need to change this line, here's why: it ties the tongue up a little.

    maybe something like:Can you see my heart without the skin

    This a a very good poem without any changes,but I always try to tweak things to reach it max impact.
    | Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      This is cool...a look beyond pretence...

    Some thoughts...


    The strength that you admire so
    is reflected through smoked mirrors.
    Behind the stage there is nothing more
    then a frightened little girl choking on her tears.

    This is a good intro,
    L1...you could lose the "so" and not lose anything.
    L2 is a winner
    L4 Than for then? but the image here is cliché and becomes worn with use.

    The beauty that holds your gaze
    and causes lust to stir
    Get's applied every morning
    like a knights protective armor.

    Sweet as for this stanza

    The figure that you long to
    hold, kiss and posess.
    Comes gift wrapped in pink paper...
    Victoria's Secret and Fredrick's.

    And the problem here is??? (~_^)

    The sense of humor that can place
    a smile upon your face.
    Camouflages all the emotions
    of depair, loneliness and disgrace.

    L1 here...why not just "places" it seems more natural.
    the rest is good.

    Here I stand and hand over
    the bare ass naked truths.
    No more lies, deceits or make belive
    Can you still love what's before you?

    "here I stand" seems formal and postured.
    even "bare ass naked truths" is a modern cliché

    Liked the last line a lot

    take or toss

    Daniel
    | Posted on 2004-12-02 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I love this poem. The first two lines seemed a bit odd, but after I finished reading the poem, they didn't seem odd anymore. I really love your poem. Kriss
    | Posted on 2004-12-02 00:00:00 | by juss_kriss | [ Reply to This ]
      This is one of the better poems I've read about wearing a mask. Nice comparison between make-up and a protective armor as well.

    I'm not entirely sure about the question asked in the last stanza though since it entirely depends on the context. Since I don't know what the other person expects, it seems misplaced.

    Maybe you could instead word your expectations or fears in the last line? Just a thought.
    | Posted on 2004-12-02 00:00:00 | by Lostinbeer | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, in my opinion, I like it. I like the rhyming..And when i saw the title it cracked me up. ^_^;; I think it's very well done
    | Posted on 2004-12-02 00:00:00 | by BenevolantWords | [ Reply to This ]
      wow i like this... Did you used to be an actor or something? this is nice. with a title like that i had to check it out.

    love tina
    | Posted on 2004-12-02 00:00:00 | by ladiesplanet1 | [ Reply to This ]
      interesting thought what people hold inside themselves during life innocence and dirty deeds done I am not sure if you read my subission mirrors or unknown but it explains life.
    you used a good imagery process i enjoyed the write nice job
    sandman
    | Posted on 2004-12-02 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]


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