[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Awakeningdots

    Author: elephantasia
    ASL Info:    37/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 398/490/159
    Words: 755
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 901
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4189

       Okay I know it needs work! This was written some time ago and is begging to become a book but I just thought Id post it and get first impressions.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Awakeningdots

    As the clouds cleared, a ribbon of moonlight unravelled across the surface of the lake. A silvery, silken scarf rippling through the cool waters, teased into life by the potent breath of a sorcerer’s chant.
    Raven exhaled slowly, then sucked in a lung full of clean air and held it. His legs were beginning to cramp and the desire to move them was bullying its way into his mind. If he moved, even slightly, he knew he would be discovered!
    A breeze danced over the bush where he was concealed, rustling the leaves, trying to spook him. Raven slowly exhaled again and stole another breath. His pale, blue eyes had not moved from the tall, dark figure that stood muttering to himself at the edge of the water, his hooded head bowed.

    The man at the edge of the lake became silent. His head snapped up. He was staring at the shaft of moonlight on the lake. Raven followed his gaze.
    Suddenly a bubble broke the waters’ surface, it was followed by another and another. Then a fountain erupted , bursting forth from the lakes’ centre like a giant serpent, striking into existence.
    The man had not moved.
    Now he lifted his arms up, his palms pushing skywards, willing something to rise. Raven stared wide eyed, terror was clawing at his throat. He forced it back down into his stomach , where it thrashed around like a captured hawk.

    A creature was forming in the fountain. The waters began to calm.
    Raven gasped! There, bathing in the glow of the moon, swam a woman, a blue woman to be precise.
    Oh God! Raven almost sighed out loud, she was beautiful. Her hair shone like white gold, her skin was as smooth as polished stone, and her eyes, her eyes were like deep oceans, no, whirlpools; Raven felt himself being pulled towards them. He would willingly swim into those whirlpools, he longed to be dragged downwards into their depths, to drown in her tears, should she wish it! He had to go to her! He just had to! He........

    Just then the tall man spoke. Raven felt as if something snapped, he felt free and his soul rejoiced! Scared and relieved, he realised that he had been close to death, that he had wanted that death! His body began to shake in fear, he wanted to flee but now found himself unable to do so! He realised it was now the man’s will that held him. Raven’s tongue shrivelled like a dried plum and he felt sick! He was compelled to watch.

    “Do not attempt to harm me lady, I could squash you like a bug , should I wish it!” Although the man’s words were harsh , there were tears in his eyes!

    The blue woman’s eyes were sad as she turned towards the man.
    “Wizard I would not wish to harm you.” She smiled a tired smile, “I’m really glad it is you who has summoned me........but why have you come?”

    “It is time!” The wizard announced softly, “The awakening has begun!”
    Raven’s heart raced at these words although he did not know why.
    The lady sighed.

    “I would not wish it so , were there another choice,” the Lady whispered. There were tears in her eyes. “It should have, would have been me.....but......!” her words ended in a choked sob.
    “You must do all you can to help her!” she implored him. She stared at the wizard for a long time, then murmured something Raven could not hear.
    The lady turned away and sank back into the depths of the water, she made not a ripple on the surface.
    There appeared a small, sphere shaped object floating on the spot where she had been. It was glinting in the moonlight. The wizard beckoned to it. It floated towards him as if pulled by an invisible string. When it was within reach, the wizard stooped to gather it up. Raven squinted, but could not see what it was.
    The wizard looked out upon the lake and whispered something, Raven thought it sounded like, I love you too!

    Raven did not understand what had just passed between theses two beings, but his body shivered with the chill of a fate sealed. Something had changed in the world tonight and Raven felt tied to it, and he did not like that one bit!

    Submitted on 2004-12-02 15:01:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Intriguing story; yes, it needs some clean-up, but overall it is a good beginning. Good descriptions and creation of characters. I can definitely see a great book coming from this.
    | Posted on 2004-12-02 00:00:00 | by dreamexandra | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Dream written by closetpoet
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    The World written by jjd
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]