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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Forever, almost nonchalantlydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: leper messiah
    ASL Info:    21~f~New England
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 197/249/38
    Words: 205
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 939
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1388



    Description:
       this one has a small subtitle, i just coined it (Didn't) next to the original one but it won't fit...ha! but anyhow...i don't really have much to post right now, as i am busy revising for a poetry portfolio in college...so nothin really new, this one has been sitting in its little lonely file, which i have so many of its starting to resemble something Lemony Snicket-like...very chaotic and strange...but still workin on this one. just felt the need to post. and had plenty of time to do it today...ugh. boredom sucks...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsForever, almost nonchalantlydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Forever, almost nonchalantly

    crept behind us dragging
    “future”, as if a fantastic attired corpse
    I nod now to the present
    I admit I get afraid
    the friends you don’t have
    suiting you up like in armor
    against new ones, present’s ones

    Didn’t you think, when you
    met me *and the sky bled*
    that you’d somehow fallen after
    A brand new kind of love
    One that’s been misled
    shown dirty roads and unclean beds
    on bleeding knees
    underneath trap doors
    been locked in blue nemophile
    religion, that is, attics of it…
    Didn’t you
    Look up and remember
    what happened (when last you opened
    a vulnerable hand) to so tired a
    wilting imp as me, Didn’t…

    Look up, and see the way the stars
    came back through the skies
    of white marble
    blending in by daughters
    *darling buds
    of Aphrodite’s crimson hair*…
    Eternally the sun slipped between
    Her strands, searching her fingertips…
    and where didn’t you look…
    You happened to glance, glass-eyed
    and porous, melting inself,
    self-assurance
    over at me
    And in my mellow blonde,
    archaic blade of voice said to you,
    This is now and
    won’t be “this” for long…~




    Submitted on 2004-12-03 14:33:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      i'm sitting here at 1:30 am when i should be getting some sleep so i can get up in about 5 hours.. but reading this poem i had to comment on it.
    i might not be the most coherent poem i;ve made.. it's been a long day.. but this is just brilliant.
    it flows from one sentence to the next and is just so brutally honest.
    i dont know how i feel about the use of asteriks (i find them a bit distracting) but if i remember correctly.. that is part of your style right? i might be confusing you with someone else tho..
    but that really is a minor complaint in the face of this stunning imagery.
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      baby you alwatys manage to outdo yourself... you just get more and more amazing (and i dont make that up...)
    the imagery in here is brutal and the whole write is brutal...brutally honest anyways.
    you have said in 3 short stanzas what i would be struggling to fit into 3 pages... you have this brilliant way of making words work for you that leaves me in complete awe.
    personally i love the idea of the forever following you while you drag round the future... have you ever tried to work out when this moment ends and the next begins...
    i much like the way the second stanza trails off though it also ends abruptly... it just depends how you read it... what mood your in too... it was also like you were cutting yourself off from remembering too much and/or revealing too much perhaps feeling too much also so you just change the subject... kinda casually but not so much so...
    your work is amazing... i wanna see your portfolio when you finish it! i have no doubt it will be incredible!
    | Posted on 2004-12-14 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      i love how you don't waste words, not only that but you pack the right words into each line. your endings are really good too, with that formula i think i like everything you write. and the title(well what fit in the box...) made me read it.
    | Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
      ok April...You know you floor me sometimes...I see this piece as the words kept inside after a night spent with an ex lover, in the thralls of intimacey. Like this was great but weve proven one of us will bleed because of this so when the sun rises in the east we must say goodbye. To me its like saying when I shower away the swet from the games of last night I am washing away this lingering thought, feeling, wound, regret, or lust. I see the name tying to this as you saying this is somehting that will be with me forever but in a subtle way Im saying goodbye to you. I dunno Im prolly way off, but I loved this. SHOW ME MORE!Hope all is well, have a great weekend-ol Grey Beard
    | Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey hey,

    Wow, a lot of really intense images here, and I love it. I agree with Mithrandir on this one, there are some serious images that point to an ex-lover, some more obvious than other, tell me if I'm on the right track...

    1) Forever crept behind us dragging future - an old ex, kept in the past, but now being involved in the future?

    2) A brand new kind of love / One that’s been misled / shown dirty roads and unclean beds / on bleeding knees - is this the "but it's different this time?", "dirty roads" showing us the bad stuff that happened before, "unclean beds"... perhaps cheating? and "bleeding knees", I would guess the oral sex that went wrong, or was done for reasons other than love...

    The third stanza: "And in my mellow blonde, /
    archaic blade of voice said to you, / This is now and / won’t be “this” for long…" You're taking control, finally, and the past must finally be kept in the past...

    I love so many things about this poem, this is definitely a fave! The one thing I don't get is the stanza division and the "*" phrases, could you explain this to me?

    Congrats, April, you're my first fave in months, great write!

    Kenley
    | Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by Siven7 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey! Good poetic skills here. I noticed that there are alot of metaphors which if used too frequently could detract from the main point of the writing. I think you conveyed your message well though...I didn't quite understand everything, but the poetic flow was very accurate for the feel of the whole thing...thumbs up!
    | Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by Shawnothan | [ Reply to This ]
      This is now and won't be "this" for long. You should write for Madison Avenue. That sounds like an ad slogan for a car dealer. But in the context of this poem, a reader could jump from the first few lines to the last few lines and then go back and re-read with a much clearer idea of what might be happening. I won't pretend to understand all of what transpires in the middle of the moment, but the gueses conjectured so far may not be far off the mark.
    The strongest emotion seems to come when the voice challenges, did you think you'd found some brand new kind of love, then goes on with such vivid, and nasty imagery to describe the former kind of love, with dirty beds and scabby knees. Well, you don't need fans,
    This was great, thanks for sharing,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      'like in armor' - why not 'in armor'?

    Beautiful vivid imagery and live language as usual, although the ending loses me… I like it although it feels convoluted… I like it but it feels like a riddle that doesn't quite make sense… A treat to read, though. Becky
    | Posted on 2004-12-04 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]


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