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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: NeverLands Burningdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 167
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 748
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1152



    Description:
       Yeah I dunno one of those random things that pours out of my subconscious, call me cynical or strange or whatever....I just wanna grow up a little more then I am. Society won't let me hang out with Peter anymore and I never fit in with the lost boy's.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNeverLands Burningdots
    -------------------------------------------


    There was that moment
    you swore the ocean was burning
    I told you it was just my breath
    against your closed eyes


    You never liked to listen to me did you?


    Silly little day dreams
    Thatís all they were
    You protested
    Saying the smoke
    Was in your throat


    You never cared for my cigarettes did you?


    Maybe you were right though
    I gave up on dreaming long ago
    I didnít have the strength
    Your beautiful mind


    You stayed in Never Never Land didnít you?


    At night I hang up my tie
    and you go dancing with Peter
    You always swore
    Mermaids were real
    and when the ocean burned
    You could hear them screaming.


    So point your finger already!

    Silly little dreams
    thatís all I thought they were
    Never Lands Burning
    Yeah I dropped the match
    but you spilled the Gasoline

    Hey Peter wanna see my switchblade?




    Submitted on 2004-12-03 15:46:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Wow thats intence. Its really hard to understand. I like it but I'm not gonna claim that I entierly get it. I like the way almost every thing seemed to be a symbol.
    | Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by Rail | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, I cheated a little bit. You told me it was you talking to yourself, telling yourself to grow up. I think it sounds more like you telling your inner child to get ready for a world of hurt cause you're about to unleash a can of whoopass on him. To me it sounds like "I've finally got you right where I want you, and now I'm enjoying killing you slow." Like, "You never liked to listen to me did you?" Can't you just see a villain lurking in the shadows with a knife uttering that to a scared victim cowering in the middle of the room?
    | Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by Ontlogicalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the way you arranged it, conversation with 'Peter,'
    I never thought of never land burning before, it was a fresh though. Very profound. I liked how you talked about how it was Peter that spilled the gas, even though you lit the match, pretty cool
    anyway, awsome job.

    ~Anarius~
    | Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by Anarius | [ Reply to This ]
      the beginning was great but it also got me far off track cause I didn't read your description. you could as well have used the first stanzas as a love poem. I don't know, maybe it's just me but it somehow sounds romantic. I guess it's just me..
    anyway your images are great, pretty surreal but really interesting. I enjoyed the trip along with you and your inner child. and the last line hit the nail. great.
    | Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      Talk about revenge! The ending line was awesome. This is powerfully packed with emotions of hate and resentment I believe. I think it's interesting that you decided on NeverLand to use as your 'theme' type. It came off very good. This is my favorite part,
    "I told you it was just my breath
    against your closed eyes"
    Whatever this piece is really about is interesting. I thought it was about a person cheating on another, lying and making excuses all the while. Great piece. :)
    -blt
    | Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I actually thought this was about a relationship. Turns out the relationship was one persons journey. Either way it's smashing and your poem was served as an Oasis (~_^) Neverland's = Neverland is that's the only fault I had. I don't have a problem with the fact that the poem led me on a different journey...a good poem offers something new with each read....yours has plenty of possibilty. I felt your imagery and sense of conflict here was wonderful..the phrasing links it all together well. The format was very affective and when you broke away in the last couple of stanzas it was extremely powerful stuff. The promise of a child morphing into the ugly side of adulthood. Excellent piece John. Give shadowfax a sugar cube for me
    | Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like the image of using Peter Pan as the image of your younger self. The conversation with yourself, where the stanzas represent your younger self, trying to explain and rationalize all that you were doing - then the one-liner following, bringing it all into a dark realistic context. Wow... intensity in ten cities...

    "Mermaids were real
    and when the ocean burned
    You could hear them screaming."

    That one really got me. It felt as though that was the stanza where both worlds came together, and where we knew that the older one was going to win.

    "Neverlands burning", that one too... the destruction of not only your younger self, but EVERYTHING in your younger self, the entire world of it! There's a huge macrocosmic scariness in it when you think back and remember how HUGE that our younger world is, though only few of us have the guts to destroy it. Mine stays in a jar on my desk

    I understand how you used the last line "Hey Peter wanna see my switchblade?" (btw, there should be a comma after 'Peter'), it's like you're showing the enticed little kid, and he leans closer and check it out... and then he's done for. But it just seems... I don't know, the word "switchblade" almost takes the romanticism out of it, which is maybe what you were intending, but it seems really out of place to me. I can't really offer you any suggestions, but something about it doesn't resonate with me.

    No less, great write with some wild images and wild forms, you've really done a great job representing what you've set out to do!

    Kenley
    | Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by Siven7 | [ Reply to This ]
      Sigh~ I love Peter Pan. The book, Hook, the new mmmovie- even the Disney version- classics allÖ I canít wait to see Finding Neverland. Thys was a great idea for a poem. I often write about my favorite book- Alice In Wonderland- but never even thought about doing so w/ Pan. Thys was extremely well written and thought out. ďYou always swore Mermaids were real and when the ocean burned- You could hear them screaming.Ē Phreaking awesome!
    Peace, love and underpants- ~#6-
    | Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]


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