Grasp on a Loss of Air by etheariac

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Submission Name: Grasp on a Loss of Air dots

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Author:	etheariac
ASL Info:	17/f/NC
Elite Ratio:	3.5 - 75/91/36
Words:	162

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	297
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1157

Description:
i was thinking about disappearances when i wrote this...about how those left behind when one person leaves or dies. They disappear from the view of the world that never knew them, but the ones still here can only hope to find some sign, whatever it may be. I see in this poem a Mother searching for a dead daughter, watching for a glimmer of reality that tells her what she wants most to be the truth, and she is practically hysterical waiting. Most of all remember that thinking u see reality is the most imagined thing of all.

Grasp on a Loss of Air dots

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Invisible.
Eyes, searching for proof, grasp onto instinct
because all sense-
and senses-
have failed.
Where is She?
In a wisp of air, a lock of hair?
or encased in the unwritten question mark
emblazoned as her signature...
her cold breathing manipulating
the sky's inky cover,
into a D-
for me-
script and secretly placed-
for me?
dear sanity
donna?
are you there?
A miracle it was,
evident it was the presence still evicted
and reincarnated.
She is not a vase full of voices,
She is not alone...
She
runs far to her home
sweet and tender
cast across ten fields of conquest and fantasy.
She is a translucent stream twisting
Gently past gravity's rule, into the air
and through downstair's rusted piping..
She never was stuck
and she won't be now
flow on past here and onward
into the sweet caress of your wish
and i will watch the sky in search of gentler mourning-
and calmer winds to ride.

Submitted on 2004-12-03 16:37:25 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  i like the way you have used words here... i really do... sense and senses was very well done... all i could say was woah... the way you incorporated the persons whole being as they are going through such a traumatic time of loss of questioning... i also liked the way this flowed... it wasnt straight... it kinda said something and then resaid it or reclarified it or added to it giving the whole piece quite a distorted confused kinda feeling... it was very well done. i kinda felt like the end lost it a lil bit though... after re reading it i can see where you are going and what you are saying... like a farewell of some sorts to the missing girl...? and a promise to always be looking... waiting... until they meet again but yeah... it felt different to the rest of the poem and im not sure why.
but i did very like this... good job
| Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh.

I loved it.

Usually with poems that I really like I go YAYAYAYAYAYYAYAY, but that doesn't really seem appopriate. This one really struck me; it was eloquent and well-written and I could tell you took some time to write it. I loved the way you capitalized She to bring importance to that word or, rather, to that person/idea. I loved how you made the lost daughter a part of everything, sorta like everything the mother sees reminds her of her lost daughter, so in a way she isn't gone, and the mother isn't quite so sad. Was that what you were driving at? Or was it a change overtime from deep mourning to sad acceptance with a ray of hope painting the horizon? I really liked it, whatever. Beautiful poem, let me know if you write anything more like this.
-Secret
| Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]
  feel like a retard at the moment because i just cant seem to make a comment for want of trying.
but i feel i need to break the duck somehow, just to opem my brain and remember that i do have something to say and am capable of doing so.
so im going to do it here.
and i hope it does your piece justice, because it is rather good.
and i dont think i say that too much.

on first read the piece felt a little scattered and sporadic. my eyes were getting trapped on all the hyphens and interjections. my thoughts on a constructive level would be to remove some of them just to make the piece run a little more.

the way you have written the piece lends itself well to what you are saying and how you are saying it. i like the small lines, and i like the honesty in the middle that is not to overcomplicate or over analogise, but to be straight and sincere. this works well as a contrast to the last half which picks up momentum and allows you to stretch your arms a little.

i would say that i like all the words you have used and how you have paired them next to other lines. the piece flows remarkably well considering its structure and i felt it bouncing in my head as i read it like an educational music tool where the tennis ball like thing bounces over the notes.
it makes you want to grab out and catch it.

i like how the piece seems to have parts even though it is one piece, and that it builds you up like a stone gathering moss, to pinch a cliché.

'or encased in the unwritten question mark
emblazoned as her signature.'

'her cold breathing manipulating
the sky's inky cover'

'She is a translucent stream twisting
Gently past gravity's rule.'
these stick out for me in being particularly emotive lines.

i do feel that capitalisation of she in the last half of the piece is a little out of place.
to look at it seems to be ruining the karma of your piece, and it shouts a little of a juvenile method of communication. like i need attention.
when i read it in my head i feel it reads better not accentuated.
but this is a small point, and i shall dwell on it no longer.
the inclusion of the name [donna]in the middle of the piece works very well and gives the piece something extra, something i cant quite grasp but it just seems to pull the reader a little closer to the piece. when you read poetry, especially that of older style written today or by that of a 'poet' who holds his/herself in high esteem, you can feel a little bit at arms length from them. i always have problems in involving the reader more but i think that this helps to do so, and you show a skill in making the reader feel close to what he is reading.
well you do for me,
take care
on1eday.
| Posted on 2004-12-03 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]

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