So okay… it sounds like you were pissed at a girl for the time being. It’s kind of obvious it was a girl with the last line being ‘I love you babe.’ Or well, I don’t want to think if you are talking about a guy *laughs to self*. I’m sorry, well anyways….. You were tired of getting hurt-‘knocked to the floor’. You wrote these lyrics, obviously, out of anger, possibly right after arguing with this anonymous person. So you walked away and etc. admitting your defeat, not wanting to ‘come home to this [censored] again’. Calling them ‘childish games’ true, arguing is a childish thing but we all do that… it’s something you can not restrict yourself from… Even if you’re stranded on an island all by yourself-you’ll go crazy and start talking to yourself like Golem (or however you spell that creatures name…) Then at the end, you cam back anyways because you love her to much.
Okay, so you made a good set of lyrics… But I think it could have a little bit more, just a chorus to sing at least 2 times…
‘I just cant take this [censored] any more I just cant fight like this no more I just hate getting up to get knocked to the floor’
I’d say make that the chorus. Put it right before the ~~long pause~~ then the last bit… Or well, I’m not sure… Usually people say they can get a better feel if they can hear it… Well, I’ve been playing music for years so I’d say just have those sets of lines where I suggested. And after the ~~long pause~~ don’t play any more music and just say the last bit casually.
Anyways……… I enjoyed this, not any better than the Rock Goddess/Princess one…… well “this sucked big elephant nuts!” Love, Jess
Dont listen to eggman. please -- for the love of god BLOCK THAT FREAKING WEIDO OUT!!!!!
ha ha ha ha ha... oookie. this guy sounds like he just came out of a college grammar class. He has no creativity. The depth of the pause is up to the viewers descression, not yours. The pause signifies the amound of time that it takes to make up your mind.... Nobody can put a limit on that, because it's different for everybody. JEEZ EGG, THINK ABOUT IT!!!!
perhaps "cos" should be cause and gota should be "gotta" if you want to BEND (not break... BEND) in to his rules to make it sound like what you're trying to say instead of scripture ebonics, but really that's up to you.
Egg really has nothing better to do that complain about blah blah blah and so Im complaining about him. He needs to get flipping creaticve and look deeper in to things.
Good write, much better than mister egg gives you credit for....
damn the coming back... love him or not... why go back to that...? the long pause had great effect... it was almost like a change in song... you know how 'take me out' by franz ferdinand completely changes tempo part way through... its like they merged two songs together... thats what i get when i think of your long pause in this song... the these changes and yet in some ways it doesnt... you go back anyways... but yeah... i dont think this song is as bad as you think... take care of you
I have a few suggestions. Besides the few that eggman mentioned about the spelling... to get knocked to the floor maybe change to: to get knocked (on) the floor? Theres just one of the little things that could be changed. I also agree with the slaughtering of the english language! Take pride in your work and take the time to make it look its best for your readers. They will apprieciate the piece so much more. It takes away from the piece because the reader gets distracted. Other than that, I like the idea, I think alot of people in their teens can relate... Patience is such a hard skill to develop. Good work and good luck -Andrya
Come on namless - I expect some decent respect of the English language in your posts... Have you ever used a spell check? It is extremely distracting when writers use improper language such as bad grammar and street lingo. You had three periods. That's it. Why?! Can you at least capitalize your I's next time? And the spelling was as dreadful as it ever was - which is understandable in the forum. Well, as for style; it was another weak, moody, teen, nameless_nobody piece. How's that? And how long do you imagine that pause to be anyway? 40 sec.? 2 min.? 20 min.? I didn't feel like waiting that long so it was 2 sec. in mine. You really should specify. Alright - I suppose I'll leave the small shots for the forum now. You sure seem to be in a restless time so I'll let you rest from ol' smelly Eggman. Get some sleep. You look horrible.
i know you hate listening to me go through your spelling errors so i wont do that this time... i like the way that its written in everyday language as opposed to being strict and by the books.. its your feelings, not a report... and its a song, so you can write it any damn way you seem fit... i dont knw why you say your posts suck.. i usually like em... you set up the stanzas good... and its very unified.. i think thats the word i mean.. you used some of the same words throughout and it gave it a connected feeling... ignore the egg.. hes just upset cause without nameles hes nothing.. i dont think he realized that will wrote this...
I can sense the sketchiness in this, but the ideas and the message you have got across so far is good. I do think that needs to be edited because some of the stuff you have here doesn't derserve to be left as simple as this:
so i stood up and i walked away but i just came back cos i love you babe
There's got to a more lyrical way of phrasing this for instance, as I say, the message is there but it needs some more language for that extra punch. I hope you edit this sometime, just give me a shout when you do, my nameless friend.