Just a little bit more by homeless

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Submission Name: Just a little bit more dots

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Author:	homeless
ASL Info:	30
Elite Ratio:	7.86 - 28/17/21
Words:	249

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	359
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1192

Description:
I wrote this for someone with whom I was at a crossroads with at the time. Any thoughts are welcome. (Too bad this doesn't keep your formatting).

Just a little bit more dots

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One eye sees the past
The other sees the future, but
I'm standing in the present
Smelling of the forbidden wine
Lacking the presence
of mind, that is mine,

To let things be

What is before me;
The best I've ever had
What may lie ahead;
This I have wanted

I think

I want this but
I may never know
how it all comes together, or
how it will flow
Where do we go

With this

Do I risk losing it all
For a remote possibilty
Do I push past feelings, of futility
Or should it all stay the same

With you

There is alot to give and
it's a major change to
the way that we live

and I realize that

for this pipe dream
you'd be risking it all
to go with the moment
facing the fall

For a promise....

I willingly live the cliché; yet
All that I hope for is
just a little bit more.

Submitted on 2004-12-04 02:15:07 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
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5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
this is really a fine piece of work. hopefully, i'm not being subjective because i have someone that i am also constantly at a crossroads and this is exactly the way i feel. i really especially like, do i risk losing it all For a remote possibiltiy. i feel like this constantly and i will put this poem on my favorites so i can feel good about relating the sometimes frustrating fear of dillusion?
| Posted on 2004-12-04 00:00:00 | by pioneerheart | [ Reply to This ]
I know the feeling. To confesss, or not to confess? Order of the day... Overall assessment?

Okay, in general your peice uses its stanzas pretty well, putting all of the clichés in the right spot (don't get me wrong, cliché isn't in any way a bad thing) which gives them the right sentiments and strength as one might expect. Your tone is one of dreamy longing, torn between inactive agony and putting what you have right now on the line. In a way, it somewhat resembles the "what-if" train of thought from departure to arrival, always turning back and ending right back where it started: "...I wish..." In terms of diction, it's normal, nothing spectacular or eye-catching, but well-applied and with appreciable simplicty-to be frank, who on this planet actually goes through the agonizing that poets and writers describe in literature? Maybe a night or two, but to me it was more a moment of longing, interrupted by life's beckoning and homework. In that regard, it's heartfelt and genuine-good work there, no angsty teen depression dyeing the entire work some corny crimson red with tears lathering your sleeves or anything of the sort. It is, however, somewhat plain. So if you were trying to make an earth-shaking step in literature, you're a bit off; but if you were trying merely to paint a delicate picture on the tiniest marble block...

I commend you.
| Posted on 2004-12-04 00:00:00 | by EternitysLyre | [ Reply to This ]

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