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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Awakendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shaman
    ASL Info:    32/m/Holland,MI
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 821/406/72
    Words: 400
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1332
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2790



    Description:
       First draft inspired by a stream of consiousness.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAwakendots
    -------------------------------------------


    I awaken;
    Half delirious
    My mind still
    Couch cushion cocooned;
    Entombed, in sleep
    My delusion reaches full effect;
    A collapsing complex of apartmentalized thought,
    Just before my dilapidated dream is drown out,

    Reconnecting me
    With Reality,
    (Illusion),
    Reality

    Confusion clears as incense
    Burns my propensity
    To stay
    Wading in dreams;
    Streams of thought that ought
    Dissipate when my eyes open;
    Finally broken

    My own
    Rods and cones
    Gather moonlight

    The sight of her lips
    Seams to drawn me in
    Between her hips
    Pressed against pale skin

    Naked
    Bound together
    Like two Sado-masochists
    In leather and black tape
    While the radio slams-scapes
    The sound of prison sex

    Okay, I suspect
    Itís not quite criminal
    But we as individuals are
    Naked
    Her curves curve cursive;
    Perfect penmanship
    Naked;
    My thoughts like trees
    Stripped of autumn leaves and ovarian fruit
    Naked;
    Each ashtray-ed ecstatic;
    Soot smothered, Smoke-ring circled, breath
    Naked
    Her coral colored lips;
    Each covalent kiss, in this chemistry experiment
    Naked;
    My callused fingertips, tangled in dreadlocks
    Counting Mala Japa;
    Prayer beads of bone and horn and colored glass

    Encompassing my emotions,
    My mind,
    My mantra
    To be naked
    Fully and completely
    Marveling the movie of this moment
    Uncut, Un-scene, Unheard

    Not a word spoken
    While she dreams of
    Tae Bow and Starbucks coffee
    Breathing so softly as murmured moans are
    Sent sailing into the night sky
    The Milky-Way her breasts spill together
    Atop crumpled sheets
    Her knees fold; holding me
    Kaleidoscoped by streaks shining from stained glass;
    Mixing and blurring,
    Visually unable to distinguish
    What is me and what is her

    Such anguish
    My arm is pinned
    Under her smooth shoulder
    I long to roll her over
    Like a boulder
    Retracting my arm

    But I donít want to cause alarm
    I donít want to wake her
    Would it be a mistake
    To snatch it out from under her?
    So asunder
    What to do?
    Pilates and Scooby Doo couldnít solve this mystery
    My fingertips are throbbing
    Each moment is robbing them of
    A little more feeling
    I am reeling
    Inside my skin
    Her eyes open




    Submitted on 2004-12-04 07:21:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was a very interesting piece - it was like a poetic meal and with different little courses, or discourses.

    I liked where you took it there at the end.

    Bravo!

    love,peace,joy&smiles to share

    tif
    | Posted on 2007-06-25 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I never realize how much I miss you until I come around and read something as brilliantly feeling, flowing, real as this! You always remind me what a novice I truly am. I love this!

    Breathing so softly as murmured moans are
    Sent sailing into the night sky
    The Milky-Way her breasts spill together
    Atop crumpled sheets
    Her knees fold; holding me

    It is amazing how your words give proof to the love you have for this woman!

    Laugh out Loud! :D
    Wake her up or deal with it? Hmmm...

    Her eyes open and it ends... you, my friend, are a master! I'm lovin' this one!



    | Posted on 2006-12-06 00:00:00 | by kiddo13 | [ Reply to This ]
      It's all been said below, so let me add, only that I think this is brilliant, and I'm FAVing it. It draws you into the moment, of the awakening after the love making. I especially liked how there is a slight rhyme that runs through this, it propels the reader along to discover more colorful images. To say any more would be to repeat what has been said by others. I loved it!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2004-12-10 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there. Wow. Wow. Wow. This is such an amazing write. Probably one of the best I've seen on here in a while...

    "Naked
    Bound together
    Like two Sado-masochists
    In leather and black tape
    While the radio slams-scapes
    The sound of prison sex"

    You wrote this so well, the flow is perfect, the concept is very very unique. Great job. At the moment I really can't think of anything that would improve this.

    Much love to ya. :-)
    | Posted on 2004-12-04 00:00:00 | by Juliets_dagger | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this write as prose, and still do as poetry. This is a painting you've justaposed expertly between your feelings and how you see her. There are bits of wisdom along the way, both in her portrait and your thoughts.
    You seem to capture the entire scene as your write moves like a scanner. And then we learn your arm will find freedom, even as she awakens. thank you!
    Nan
    | Posted on 2004-12-04 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok...lets try this again, shall we...sheesh I need sleep ;)

    Bravo...(clapping till hands hurt)
    Yes, this is the type of poetry I like = Love it in fact...yeah...brilliant write here you :)

    Not a word spoken
    While she dreams of
    Tae Bow and Starbucks coffee
    Breathing so softly as murmured moans are
    Sent sailing into the night sky
    The Milky-Way her breasts spill together
    Atop crumpled sheets
    Her knees fold; holding me
    Kaleidoscoped by streaks shining from stained glass;
    Mixing and blurring,
    Visually unable to distinguish
    What is me and what is her

    Like how on earth can that get any better...I must say though...the beginning need some polish...I'm no good at that sort of thing, so I will not even pretend to help with it...I'd do such damage.
    Dave this is beautiful in quite a painful way...
    I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that is making me say...I'm so sorry...that was the first thought that came to mind...very strong undertone of loss and saddness.

    Thanks for the heads up on this one...I would have found within the next couple of days anyway...your page is a regular pit stop for me.
    You have a wonderful talent...that's why I read ;)

    So if you do polish or change this at all...please do tell...k..

    p.s
    Thanks for the comments and all the help with
    my poem...'Hidden in Shadows'
    very old piece that yeah...needs some tender lovin' care...I'll find time some day

    So...Be Well & Take Care of You
    and untill next time...smile ;)
    Kelly
    | Posted on 2004-12-05 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      This is excellent. You misspelled Tae Bo. I love the alliteration in "Couch cushion cocooned." "Streams of thought that ought" sounds straight out of Seuss. I like the near rhymes in the third stanza: incense/propensity and open/broken. I like how you say rods and cones to refer to eyes. In "The sight of her lips/Seams to drawn me in" you may have an error. Do you mean seems, or you referring to seams (something sewn)? I have to admit the "prison sex" sequence really does nothing for me, but it is quite interesting. I love, love, love, "Her curves curve cursive;/Perfect penmanship ." That's both beautiful and witty. Bob Dylan would be proud of that one. He'd like "Each ashtray-ed ecstatic; /Soot smothered, Smoke-ring circled, breath/Naked" too. "Each covalent kiss, in this chemistry experiment" is wow. Seriously, that stanza is amazing. I've always heard it called "japa mala" though. I love the alliteration and assonance in "Marveling the movie of this moment/Uncut, Un-scene, Unheard." You also misspelled Tae Bo. "Milky-Way her breasts" is a beautiful image. I love the last stanza. I think we've all been in a situation like that. I've had elbows in my face and didn't dare wake him.
    | Posted on 2004-12-05 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, since you wanted it bashed, I'd get rid of "Stark raving mad" since it's a bit clichť. I think "I awaken/Half Delirious" reads just as well.
    | Posted on 2004-12-05 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]


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