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Setting Sun

Author: arkay
ASL Info:    50+/m/Atl.Can
Elite Ratio:    4.84 - 450 /320 /56
Words: 21
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1175
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 139


Not sure if this should go on.
I'm kinda stuck on which way to go.
Any suggestions?

Setting Sun

Sun setting in the haze
Of smoke and fire yet ablaze
Deepens shadows already bent
From forms of life needlessly spent.

Submitted on 2004-12-04 14:08:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Wow, your four lines generated hundreds of lines of comments, thats a pretty good indicator you did something right, eh?

two questions, deepen or deepens?

from forms or like forms?

But very vivid imagery and very striking thoughts.

| Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
  I get this picture in my head of a house burning down and in the distance the sun is setting on it. Some have died inside while others watch from outside in shock and awe as firemen try to douse the flames.

They see the irony and amplification of the mood by the setting of the sun.

or i could be wrong...

nicely written piece here
I love these little 4 liners.

mister fizzle
| Posted on 2004-12-04 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this perfect the way it is, -you have compacted vivid imagery as well as evoking a melancholy and thoughts about beauty in all things, even death. I live in a mountainous area also, and reading this brings back the late summer evenings of 2003, when forest fires devasted Okanagan Mountain, and deer and other wildlife fled , running down the city streets to escape.

The only small suggestion i have is to remove the word "the" which precedes "shadows"

"Deepening shadows already bent"

The length is fine, great job.
| Posted on 2004-12-04 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  I wish to thank you kindly for your comments, and to express deep honour in having you add it to your favs. Thank you again.
| Posted on 2004-12-04 00:00:00 | by arkay | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed reading this, the wording was great...usually short poems seem to miss the point the writer is trying to make, but i think you did a very good job here...the words seem to work together perfectly, not even a hint of awkwardness...keep up the good work, sorry i don't have any helpful suggestions
| Posted on 2004-12-05 00:00:00 | by morte | [ Reply to This ]
  so much in so few words...very cool! I get the feeling of a bunch of businessmen/factory workers walking home from work at dusk. This seems to be a complete thought, and should not be added to. keep writing! peace.

In His service,
| Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by littleshuford | [ Reply to This ]

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