w e t by wilderness

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Submission Name: w e t dots

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Author:	wilderness
ASL Info:	23/M/Surrey, UK
Elite Ratio:	3.19 - 252/359/86
Words:	92

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	373
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	735

Description:
an idea, it isn't done i don't think. needs something...

w e t

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she blisters in the heat, she bleeds
her sentiments onto the sheets
these stains won't wash in the floods he sings
her silver tongues' whispering sleep

i love you
works every time

"some of these days, you'll miss me honey!"

a borrowed line
this place is dry
through desterts i drift atomized
board the ark in single file
baby, cry me a flood

"some of these days..."

we're birth

we're lost

we're found

we're lost

we're lust

we're dust

we're soil

Submitted on 2004-12-05 14:10:58 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  opening stanza is brilliant.. bleeding sentiments and and flooding songs.. amazing imagery. it has your trademark style all over it.
i personally feel it loses something as we get to the end.. the last few lines with the repetition seem to make the poem trail off without leaving as much impact as the first few stanzas.
i'd never tell you how to re-write your poems but i think the ending here is lacking something..
| Posted on 2004-12-19 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a really good piece. All it really needs is a strong bass line, a deadened snare/overdriven kick track, with lots of beepy snappy noises. I think this could make a good industrial piece, but then again, almost anything can be industrial. Keep it up. I too like the title: it really works with the topic. Sex really has become something that isn't as intimate and true as it's supposed to be. I'm droning now.
| Posted on 2004-12-05 00:00:00 | by _proper_noun_ | [ Reply to This ]
  I think the thing that it is missing is that the beging is a little to weak. Juice up the beging and when you were listing the last things you listed we're lost 2.
Thats would make it beging.
I dont like the picture you had. Pigeons are scary and they chased me.
Kacey
| Posted on 2004-12-05 00:00:00 | by Lachesis | [ Reply to This ]
  i don't really think it's missing anything, it's just that it feels like it's part of not necessarily a series but maybe like a section of a multi-section poem? if there's a difference...

anyway, I like the speed of the ending, the way it launches you along like a roller coaster.
| Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]

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