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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Old Enoughdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: arkay
    ASL Info:    50+/m/Atl.Can
    Elite Ratio:    4.84 - 450/320/56
    Words: 487
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 1025
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2810



    Description:
       Very short story to get in practice.
    Any helpful hints would be appreciated.
    Can you believe that at my age, this is the first story I've written?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOld Enoughdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Old Enough


    He sat in the diner with his uncle Ted. He didn’t want to be there with his uncle. Not that he didn’t like him, it was just that uncle Ted treated him like a kid. And at 11 years old, he wasn’t a kid anymore.
    And especially in that diner.
    That was where Jesse worked, and Jesse was working that night.
    He would be so embarrassed if uncle Ted started talking that baby talk to him in front of Jesse.
    She was so beautiful, her blonde hair slightly curled under, her face glowing like an angels with pink highlights on her cheeks. And her body–when had he started thinking about that? It was like...like...he didn’t know what it was like, but it was perfect. His eyes focussed on her breasts..her breasts...he couldn’t get his mind off her breasts.
    “What’s it gonna be, champ?”Snapping him out of his reverie.
    “Huh?”He asked in his stupor.
    “What’re ya gonna have?” uncle Ted asked, giving him a quizzical look.
    “Ahh, just gimme a minute.” Trying to sound more like a grown-up, and almost succeeding.
    “Ahhump” came out, trying to clear his throat, as he saw Jesse come around the counter and head their way. He didn’t notice uncle Ted’s eyes following his or the slight smile that twitched on his lips.
    'Oh, man' he thought, 'What if he says I want something on the kids menu?' He felt his neck getting hot. 'Will she smile and pat me on the head and say "what a cute little boy"?'
    'Oh, jeeeez, she’s almost here' his thoughts were going into overdrive. 'I think I wanna die.'
    'Oh, jeeez, even worse. I think I’m gonna pee myself.' Now panic was taking over.
    'If uncle Ted says I’m his nephew she’ll think I’m a kid', uncle Ted wasn’t really that much older than him, well maybe ten or fifteen years, but that wasn’t much. 'She’s sure to think I’m still in diapers'
    “You gentlemen made up your minds yet?”
    It was her. She was there. 'Where can I hide?' was going through his head.
    'As long as Uncle Ted doesn’t order for me, maybe I can convince her I’m old enough.' Old enough for what he wasn’t sure, just as long as she didn’t think he was too young.
    He squirmed in his seat, suppressing the urge he was trying to forget. He winced as uncle Ted started to open his mouth, so afraid of what was going to come out.
    “I’m gonna let my friend here do the ordering, he always knows what’s best.”
    He couldn’t believe what he heard. Did he really hear that?
    He was going to order, and she would think he was much older than even he thought.
    Maybe uncle Ted was a pretty good guy after all.






    Submitted on 2004-12-05 18:06:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      interesting...I can definately tell that you have held onto your inner child! Congrats! not many people can. the train of thought is exactly how it would have been, too. I know because I remember being in those situations. hehe...what fun that was! :) that was truly refreshing...I smell a favorites! and thats a kick arse icon! peace.

    In His service,
    shuford
    | Posted on 2004-12-05 00:00:00 | by littleshuford | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the idea behind this piece. Your imagery is pretty good, the only thing I was hung up on was your quotation marks around thoughts. It made me feel like he was speaking that to Uncle Ted. I mean I came to realize he wasnt, but it just kinda threw me off for a second. Anyway, I thoguht it was a great write:O) I hope you write more short stories!

    --Kayla
    | Posted on 2004-12-05 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
      Many kids feel this way. Many kids want to act older than what they are. that is the mind set of all pre teens especially when its love of a slightly older girl or boy. This is a very good write. real nicely done with the situation. Good job
    | Posted on 2004-12-05 00:00:00 | by dylanpoe | [ Reply to This ]
      *aww* That's a touching one. Stories are great to practice, especially when you have a good a site as ES to write them on.
    Alright.
    First thing I need to say is to practice better structure. It's already been pointed out, but the kids thoughts were in a difficult form to follow - it helps to use the single quotations ' for those.
    You had a great job on the narration and the dialogue was fine (which is a difficult subject for story-tellers), of course the dialogue was simple, and that is a great place to start.
    There are a few structural errors that you need to pick up on your second draft (get used to second drafts in story-land, buddy) - I picked up on afew of them:

    The 'She was so beautiful...' line should include a 'her' after the first comma and an 'and her' after the second.

    ' His eyes now focussing on her breasts '
    That line would be better as 'focused'. That is just a matter of verb tense. Your tenses wavered a bit in thise piece but this is one of the elements of language that takes practice - the more you write the more natural it will come. Oh, and that line should be with an 'off' and not an 'of' near the end.

    'Snapped out of his reverie' is a no-no in story-land. Fragments should only be reserved for speech or exclamations. I know it's alright in poetry-land but keep them minimal here.

    And one final thing; there is no need to say that the kids name is Charlie. You don't use it anywhere else so omit it. It is one of the major rules of The Elements of Style (a book I suggest you pick up - it is wonderful); Omit needless words/phrases.

    Well then, now that I've dived past the form I'll wrap it up. The short short story is a wonderful thing. To say something meaningful in less than 1000 words is a gift. Practice it and utilize it. You'll find that there is no thrill like watching your paragraphs come to life, your characters move about the page, and the emotions it envokes in others. This was a wonderful story (concept-wise, at least ). Welcome to story-land.
    | Posted on 2004-12-05 00:00:00 | by Eggman | [ Reply to This ]
      I wish to thank you for your kind words on "Old Enough". And I am truely honoured that you have included it as a favourite as it was my first attempt at writing a story. I will of course now have to go back and do a redraft. More to fix some minor flaws than change the story itself.
    Thank you again.
    Ron
    | Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by arkay | [ Reply to This ]


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