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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: tangled webdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: UNunderStood
    ASL Info:    16/f/oh
    Elite Ratio:    2.72 - 79/87/25
    Words: 63
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1048
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 350



    Description:
       this is just how i fell about life


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotstangled webdots
    -------------------------------------------


    im stuck in a web, a web of hate
    tangled in this mess,this mess is my fate,
    my fate can not be defeated or outran,
    this is my goal,
    this is my final plan..

    please give me some feedback on this to help make it better so people can understand it a little better
    i'll finsh the rest later




    Submitted on 2004-12-05 21:13:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked it, short, but it said a lot about your feelings. I liked how you used being tangled in a web, it really worked to help explain your feelings.
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by elitegundam | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, here we go:

    "im stuck in a web, a web of hate"
    Webs are usually used with emotion, so it is sort of clique, although hate I have not seen before, so it is better.


    "tangled in this mess,this mess is my fate,"
    I like the way you used tangled here. It gives a good impression of what mess you are actually in. Why is it your fate?


    "my fate can not be defeated or outran,
    this is my goal,
    this is my final plan."

    I like this, but am too fond of the word outran, although I realize it must be used for the purpose of rhyme.

    Overall, I like the poem, I think it has some real potential.

    Indigo
    | Posted on 2004-12-19 00:00:00 | by Indigo Kid | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the others think you need to explain more of what is bothering you.

    I re-wrote your poem to give another way of writing your poem.

    Iím stuck in a web of self-created hate
    Unwilling to change
    Has my feet entangled
    How long will it take to strangle the truth
    The answer came quick
    My fate was the final plan
    | Posted on 2004-12-07 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      i like how you use web and tangled together it sounds good. i like the idea and where this is going although i think you're trying too hard to make it rhyme which takes away from it. good effort <3
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by Lemmy | [ Reply to This ]
      what mess is that you're stuck in.. open up some on this one to let the reader know what it is that is bringing you down. poems can be short and powerful but they have to have substance. this could be a better poem if the reader knew or at least had an idea of what the web & hate are related to.
    would be nice to see you expand on this one.
    jw
    | Posted on 2004-12-05 00:00:00 | by jadedwhispers | [ Reply to This ]


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