The Battlefield by amlyn

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Submission Name: The Battlefield dots

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Author:	amlyn
ASL Info:	23/F/IN
Elite Ratio:	4.42 - 48/37/9
Words:	49

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	257
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	390

Description:

The Battlefield dots

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A battlefield of words
Landmines emitted from lips
Two sides entered
Neither one truimphant
A standoff between sides
Endless siege of commitment
Destruction of one another
The victory at hand
Chaos never ceasing in existance
Endless for eternity
The last shed blood and dignity
Dampening the soil with continuance

Submitted on 2004-12-06 01:01:12 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is very metaphorical of an argument. The fact that you put it as a battlefield, as blood being shed and the like makes me feel as if you've been through some bloody arguments. I have, although most of the time I wasn't even participating. At the same time, this one was out there well, even though you could have used some more punctuation to make it more dramatic, with some nice pauses and such.

Don't get me wrong, this was great how it was. I hope that you keep writing,

And smiling,

-Meredith
| Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by Maki Kyomada | [ Reply to This ]
  whoah i wrote a poem exactly like this one if you want to read it, its called scars of human conquest. I really liked it because I pretty much wrote the same thing before and it has really good imagery. Good job!

~Rob
| Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by Rob Orchard | [ Reply to This ]
  Yes, I understand this piece in its entirety. One thing bothered me as I read through this piece though.

For such a metaphorical poem/argument in tone, why is the title simply 'The Battlefield"? You don't have to change it or anything, of course you already knew that, but I mean, just for this title to fully capture and cultivate those seeds of thought which you planted inside of this work would be grand.

I was scanning through the new Elite posts, and I stumbled upon this poem, and I thought twice about reading it, just because of the title. Just a thought.

Other than that, I thought that the level of vocabulary used was decent for this type of poem, but I wish that this owuld have been a bit longer. It seemed as though you wanted to turn this piece into a full-blown argumental debate, but resrtained or held yourself backk for some reason. Also, another note I would like to make is on the punctuation.

This piece had absolutely NO punctuation whatsoever, and as this poem is pleasing to the auditroy, is should justly be so upon the sight. Take Care.

"Loquacious Mind"
| Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
  I write a lot of stuff with similar imagery to this because I write a lot about abusive relationships. I really liked the line "Endless for eternity." This is very true. No one ever wins an argument because it pops back up later.
| Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]

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