a long suffering beauty by blueorchids

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Submission Name: a long suffering beauty dots

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Author:	blueorchids
ASL Info:	26/F/California
Elite Ratio:	6.35 - 1068/924/91
Words:	94

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	799
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	626

Description:
the title comes dad dialog directed at me and it reminded me of an older woman i once saw praying in a church.

a long suffering beauty dots

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a haunted wraith, the fey shadow in the doorway.
so much the echo of a beauty
Disappointing Love has siphoned cruelly from, has
muted with lonely time.

she breathes out her weariness
essentials she reluctantly releases
into free being
slouched on numb, hopeful knees in an ageless posture of
defeat;

he's failed in the last of his promises to you.

a struggle, wavering as she gets up
heart pounding fast, loud with the shame of believing
in the fabled strength of a wind-wild, charismatic

man.

Submitted on 2004-12-06 01:34:05 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  wow!! my interpretation of it-- love is painful... m afraid im nt too deep... but somehow, it reminds me of things vr afraid to recall, of memories we've long tried to suppress.. in a way, wat is a universal truth... don't know, it's like ur poem speaks of a truth that we try to put away... i feel the title does nt do justice to ur piece, it sounds like some mnb title... ofcors, that's completely ur call... anyway, keep up the good work.
| Posted on 2007-06-07 00:00:00 | by esoterica | [ Reply to This ]
  What made me want to read this was your title... as soon as I noticed it, it asked to be read.

And I wasn't disappointed.

Reminds me of the Madonna for some reason--alone and listless; I don't know why I identify with these feelings so much, but I do, and I can't help it. Some things just are, I guess.

Too many good lines to mention... but I figured I'd say why I faved it...

Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2007-05-24 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  The abject emptiness left from unfulfilled promises can surely leave one wasted and full of pain. As she finds herself kneeling before the altar seeking answers that may never come she projects a picture of hopelessness that makes one count their own blessings. Quite a tale you have relayed to us.
| Posted on 2007-04-19 00:00:00 | by ErgoIgo | [ Reply to This ]
  Right away I felt a deep emotion of saddness and surprisingly anger. We let ourselves fall so deeply in a lust for men and then they refuse us of that love by betraying us. I really loved this poem it was very deep, and although some verses I did'nt like the order. It was choppy, and sometimes strained my mind's flow, but I understand compleatly that its basically the flow of mind you were trying to get out. I to do that in my poems, but when others read it I have learned it can becoming confusing and often irritating to keep track of the verses. Very good though!
| Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by winterdove | [ Reply to This ]
  that's deep and sorrowful...the poem invokes emotion and touches the reader. Making it a good poem, while the story told is one that many people can relate to. You've got a poem here that relates to the readers and then smacks them in the face with an assault of a sorrowful tale. Nicely done
| Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by iHaveNoName323 | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed this piece very much, the imagery is nicely done as well as the mood, it entwines itself around this piece with good effect. Nice work.
| Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
  This is very beautiful Grace. There is a sad, ethereal quality to it. It made me think of the times I have prayed for my miracle, and how it still eludes me. I still pray. I still pray. You have such an effortless quality to your work. It is like soft strolks from a mink paintbrush. I am so enjoying reading you. It is amazing what can come to us from just one glance or one sound heard, or one brush from a stranger. Many Smiles- Magnolia
| Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
  I read this before seeing your description. I saw her on her knees, crying, just as the door had shut and ended the relationship. It was a beautifully sad and lonely vision.

Knowing this was inspired by a woman in a church, just adds another layer to it. Some time has passed and she is still, equally sad and alone.

A few suggestions:

S1: "In the doorway, a haunted wraith, the fey shadow / so much the echo of a beauty / Disappointing Love has siphoned (from her) cruelly / has muted (her) with lonely time."

S2: L5 "of defeat"

S3: L1 "as she gets up, a struggle, wavering

Just to change the end words of lines to put the emphasis on other key words.

I loved this poem. It was a picture of a tortured soul, caused by lost love. I think the last three lines really add the humanity to this piece. We have all believed at one point or another, only to have promises broken. It is "a long sufering beauty" but a beautifully written poem.

Phil
| Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  Lovely Grace.

I see a poignant lone woman, desperately need of help, an answer, comfort perhaps, and seeking just some small ease. Your description mentions your inspiration, but even without that clue. there are religious tints throughout that subtley wash your picture with the despair felt when the Ultimate hand-up isn't offered. Your forlorn character is depicted skilfully, "wraith". "fey". and that entire second stanza describing her defeated and supplicant posture.

The line breaks, and spacing are perfect in my opinion, allowing the pathos to build , then sink in- and then build again with each new wave of description. I loved the lines describing her absentee savior as :"fabled" and "a wind-wild, charismatic - man." There are some other themes lurking in these shadows too I think. For me ,one would be the seeking without rather from within. Are man-made temples the place to seek respite? The other unspoken question might best be answered with -He moves in mysterious ways-

I have been reading this every other day or so, ever since you posted it. I just had to wait for the right words to express what it says to me, and to tell you how evocative this poem is. It is an aching read, sad , powerful, and unsettling.
The title is fitting and augments the message too.
Great job
Silver
| Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  the art is in the translation from seen to written. there is a photosynthesis of sorts that happens here I think - 'ink' as the chlorophyl that drives the readers' imagination. and for what it's worth you would provide the sunlight - albeit through (abandoned) luncheonette blinds.
you have a way of illustrating the wretched and achingly bereft as though through that vaseline-coated lens or, in this case, through the smoke of incense and candles.
and the blokes that read this relieved that it's not just them that get it wrong or not just them that don't necessarily have all the answers.
and I would be happy to avoid the day when weariness is waiting to be breathed out - it is the most hollow of sounds.
I'm minded to bugger off and jot down my blessings...
splendid.
K
| Posted on 2005-02-28 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  This appealed to me very much. I think I felt what you must have felt when you saw this, even if you only saw it in your imagination.
This slant on prayer, your words convey almost contempt. I think "failed in his promises", "shame" and "fabled" spin this aire of un-belief for me.

I also loved the poem you put in your journal, and it is more than good enough.
I'll be joining you there soon. I'm getting ready to start submiting. Maybe I can paper the wall of my bathroom with rejection slips?
The next one's the sure thing, don't quit,
Dave
| Posted on 2004-12-11 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
  heh, hey blue_orchids. it's knowledge. long time no see. long time no read rather. it's nice to see a new post from you. wow.

she breathes out her weariness
essentials she reluctantly releases
into free being
slouched on numb, hopeful knees in a ageless posture of
defeat;

that was the stanza which did it for me in this poem. i felt that the imagery was so...perfect, flawless absolutely, that i can't even offer any constructive criticism on the rest of the piece. this is what i hope to achieve someday in ym poetry. this level of intimacy with visualization.

the vocabulary was great as well. such as your use of 'fey'. i thought that was grand. as well as your use of siphoned. it's not oft that you see these words used in everyday speech. i just wish that there were more poets such as yourself, that would step outside of their comfort zone, take that leap of faith in bounds unknown, and excersize their mind with the use of 'rare' vocabulary in their poems. decent write. take care.

"Loquacious Mind"
| Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
  I'd agree with others that the structure/rhythm is a weak point, making it hard to read; here are my suggestions if you'd like them:

'He's failed in the last of his promises to you' feels overlong: how about 'he's failed in the last of his promises.'?

'heart pounding fast' is fine rhythmically but strikes me as being clichéd/lazy for you, and not actually needed: you could, if you wanted, just have 'heart loud with the shame of believing'...

'siphoned cruelly from'... something reads weirdly there... is it correct grammar? I'm thinking it should be just 'siphoned cruelly' for some reason, and I think this would also make that stanza flow more easily.

I think this is good, interesting... I wasn't greatly moved by it, though. I think I'm missing the poignancy somewhere... She is disappointed, loveless... this is undoubtedly sad, yet I can read the poem and feel quite impassive. Either my heart is cold or there is something missing, maybe just needs a little more of a build to the end... Blimey, I've been a bit negative eh. Sorry about that; you know I like your work very much.
Becky
| Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
  ooh those lost two lines are really cool, when I read it it was like you were going "haha, take that!" knowing what a kick ass ending it was and how it would leave the reader but satisfied and wanting more.
| Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this peice, and I think it's fine the way it is. and I like how it describes how some "religuos" people go to church every week but have absolutely nothing to show for it. but once again, very good...
| Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by Darkest Flaw | [ Reply to This ]
  your word choice is brilliant... so old skool and yet not... words that have died out of everyday life most possibly like she has. i could so see her though... in her 'ageless posture of defeat' though im wondering who it is that has let her down... the last of his promises broken... all i could think of was gods 'i will never leave you nor forsake you' promise and to me she seems very forsaken... the way i picture her to be and her life to have been... but yeah... this is a very powerful write... brilliantly done my orchids girl
| Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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