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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Suicidedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lee
    ASL Info:    29/F/South Africa
    Elite Ratio:    4.57 - 55/54/14
    Words: 226
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 249
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1353



    Description:
       Hi guys, this is my first attempt on this site. I have no idea to the quality of my writing, so any comment will be appreciated.
    I got the inspiration for the piece from a suicide of a family member recently


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSuicidedots
    -------------------------------------------


    So peaceful you look as I stair from the door
    You plunged to your death, cause you couldn't handle life no more

    With the greatest precision, you tied the rope to the bed
    You must have played it over and over, a thousand times in your head

    Restlessly you left the room for a couple of times, with your heart beating endlessly in you're ears
    Never did you think it will resolve to this, it goes beyond you're deepest fears

    For the last time you opened a book to read
    It has always brought you comfort in many times of need

    The heading reads "Judgement", but you can't see, as the words are swimming on the page
    You feel trapped inside with so much anger and emotion locked inside a cage

    You lay down the book and saw the time passing one
    You dragged your feet to your craftmanship as it was hanging there, all ready and done

    Slowly you climbed up the ladder and you stood at the top
    Put the rope around your neck and tied the knot

    In that moment, everything became still
    You smiled at your distiny as you thought to yourself, "This is my will"

    So peaceful you look as I stair from the door
    Sleep now child, you have troubles no more




    Submitted on 2004-12-06 06:21:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Lee,
    My goodness, this is very nice. I had entered DeepDreamers suicide contest last month and had never written suicide poetry until then. I wondered why would I want to write suicide poetry. I don't want to kill myself. But your poem makes it seem ok?

    As you know stair should be stare. You can click the edt button and correct it anytime after you have posted a piece.
    Please pick something else you would like me to read, and I will comment on it.

    Donn

    Is that realy a picture of you?
    | Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]
      I actually do not mind the long lines...at first I was having trouble reading the piece but I think that was just because I was trying to rush it. I found that if you take your time reading the piece softly and subtle with the delivery then this piece is really impactful. I think it is quite strong and there is really no need to break up the lines. There is not alot of imagery but there is tons of emotion and that is what makes this poem real... One.
    | Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by Rukiya Faizah | [ Reply to This ]
      i am saddend by your loss your imagery in this piece was strong full of love hope you are well and always remember the good times that you had.

    They can never take your memories:)

    RIP
    | Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by Timmy S. Edgar | [ Reply to This ]
      THis is a good start...however you don't have much flow or rythym, the syllable's rythym is equally important in a rhyming poem, so you might want to keep a regular pattern in your next attempt: You've told your experience really well though, you leave the reader to explore and respond to your emotion, which is excellent. Also thankyou for being so open and willing to share of your loss. One last thing is that your spelling needs a bit of work. i.e stair=stare and distiny=destiny: but a great start you have a lot of promise there
    | Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by littlecoombs | [ Reply to This ]



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