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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: .: I Thank You :.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Timmy S. Edgar
    ASL Info:    38 male Melb, Australia
    Elite Ratio:    2.6 - 263/200/71
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/Romance
    Total Views: 1327
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 773



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots.: I Thank You :.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lifeís pump swollen and primed
    My heart picked you up and helped you to find
    Two energies have now become aligned
    Youíre so wonderful as you allow me to unwind

    I Thank You

    Our auraís reach out for each other they grow
    Approaching each other without doubt as you know
    Two lifeís plans together running in time they flow
    Peace, love and harmony youíre happy, it shows

    I Thank You

    You are so sweet, how I just love to hug you too
    Your kindness is so rare, your heart so pure and true
    See your inner beauty is so lovely, this love poem is for two
    To be so bold as to say my life is richer and itís because of you

    Again I Thank You




    Submitted on 2004-12-07 01:30:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Aww how sweet is the fir reaction, and I was not alone. Endearment poems are lovely.
    | Posted on 2015-04-30 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Awww that soooooo sweet. But not so sweet I died (that has happened before)
    It's just so cute and sweet in the way you say how much you care for this person and what they have done for you. It accutally made me go "Awww."
    "
    Our auraís reach out for each other they grow
    Approaching each other without doubt as you know
    Two lifeís plans together running in time they flow
    Peace, love and harmony youíre happy, it shows"

    Favorite part. why I do not know. It made me think of my friends dad cleaning her Aura (just me...) okay bye.
    | Posted on 2004-12-19 00:00:00 | by Cigarette Smoke | [ Reply to This ]
      although it is a beautiful poem, i think the last stanza borderlines cheesy hallmark card/micheal bolton ballad. but over all, i like it, the first stanza is my favortie. the reason i most like it is because it sounds like mature, adult, real love. thumbs up
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by ariadne | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really nice :)... and good to see another aussie...the only suggestion i could make would be to possibly change life's to life in this sentence:

    Two life&#8217;s plans together running in time they flow
    | Posted on 2004-12-07 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
      awww... this is so sweet
    does she get to read this...?
    this is so gorgeous... it would seem you have a lot to be thankful for (though its obvious you already know that...)
    i like the way you have your stand alone i thank you lines... its well done as that is the main point of the poem and so its said not once or twice but three times and then there is a detailed explanation of why you are thankful to reinforce your thanx but also to give her no way to believe that it is not her you are talking about... i really like this
    | Posted on 2004-12-07 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      My suggestion to you on this poem is to either spend more time on it or ditch the rhyme. Your lines don't fit together to create a seamless poetic thought because they were written with rhyme in mind. Very few people can perfect a rhyme and those that do usually work hard at it.

    Your idea here is very nice, but it really is not a particulary well-written poem. I really think you'd do better to take some time with it and fully flesh out your thoughts, regardless of rhyme or meter. Find unique ways of saying the things you want to say. THEN put them together in a poem. Write, then rewrite, then rewrite, then rewrite again - and maybe again.

    Let's look at your first stanza, just for example:

    Lifeís pump swollen and primed

    This is a wholly unromantic line. Honestly, it sounds like the beginning to a murder mystery or a horror show. Do you really want to say this to someone you're in love with? I'm not going to give you a suggestion because you know the full thought; I don't. Just please, don't start what should be a lovely poem with this line!

    My heart picked you up and helped you to find
    Two energies have now become aligned
    Youíre so wonderful as you allow me to unwind

    How do these lines fit together? You've talked about a bloody pump, then about your heart picking her up and helping her find - find what?, then two energies becoming aligned, then finally you tell her she's wonderful for letting you unwind - do you mean relax? Do you see what I mean about completing a thought? These lines appear to be written simply for the sake of the rhyme, not for expressing a sentiment in its entirety.

    Your second stanza is better at completing a thought, but it was still written for the rhyme. That is very clear.

    Your third stanza is, once again, disjointed.

    I'm sure your sentiments are sincere, but your poem really needs a lot of work. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I don't mean it to be. Sometimes it's hard to be honest without sounding mean. Sorry. mae


    | Posted on 2004-12-07 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      love is a wonderful thing and its just great to know people can express the way they feel about another in such a magical way...you give me hope for a better tommrow...good job and rock on
    | Posted on 2004-12-07 00:00:00 | by ForJordan03 | [ Reply to This ]
      Not a bad poem. I felt that it fell down just a little at points where there were a couple of interruptions to the flow and rhythm. The sentiment it self is lovely one and is very clearly expressed, particularly liked this stanza in that respect:

    'You are so sweet, how I just love to hug you too
    Your kindness is so rare, your heart so pure and true
    See your inner beauty is so lovely, this love poem is for two
    To be so bold as to say my life is richer and itís because of you

    Again I Thank You'

    A couple of small changes here and there to get the rhythm and rhyme consistant would make this a lovely poem. Thanx for your words.

    =Jimma=
    | Posted on 2004-12-07 00:00:00 | by Jimma | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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