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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Still Heredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: words_can_heal
    ASL Info:    22 Female
    Elite Ratio:    3.56 - 79/111/22
    Words: 207
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 747
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1212



    Description:
       just a little somethin


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStill Heredots
    -------------------------------------------


    Racing for the finish line we were,
    nudging other people out of our way.
    It was neck and neck that race,
    I really wanted to win that day.

    I had gained a little time on you
    Luck must have been on my side.
    As always it was short lived...
    Because my shoelace came untied.

    I saw that little smirk that appeared,
    slowly but surely it spread accross your face.
    As you powered toward the finish line.
    Speeding on to win that race.

    My shoelace tripped up my steps,
    My body fell to the track.
    A puff of dirt in my face,
    As I regretfully stared down your back.

    I can admit that you won that game,
    but the war has just begun.
    I dont intend to lose you see,
    Not to you or anyone.

    I know you pushed me down in life,
    and thought nothing of hurting me.
    You even turned your back to laugh.
    But I'm not going to let this be.

    I won't be hurt by you again,
    because I don't have any fear.
    You may have won that little race,
    And I lost it, but I'm still here.




    Submitted on 2004-12-07 05:46:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I liked your message here, comparing a relationship to a race. Good use of imagery.
    Some punctuation errors
    Like no comma needed at the end of the first line.
    L1 S2 Should have a comma or period. I think probably a comma as the reason that you gained carried through.

    L3 S3 I think should be a comma as again speeding on completes the sentence.

    L3 S4 no comma needed as the "as" acts as a conjunction.

    L1 S6 no comma needed as the and is the conjunction.

    L3 S6 Should be comma as the sentence carries through with "but".

    I don't know why punctuation is such a stickler with me. It doesn't seem to bother others so you do what you want with my suggestions.
    Your poem is good non-the-less.
    | Posted on 2004-12-07 00:00:00 | by arkay | [ Reply to This ]
      an interesting story. nice solid rhyme scheme weaving through the whole of it. I can't help but feel like it was clumsey in places though.

    an example:

    "I dont intend to lose you see,
    Not to you or anyone."

    the point is clear but the double use of the word "you" presents this as a little repetitive. There are several instances of these scattered throughout this poem and I think that is what causes the clumsey feel.

    Bottom line: I see potential but the whole needs fine tuned and cleaned up a little.


    Whether this advice is taken or not it was meant to help not offend, good luck with all you write.

    peace,
    mister fizzle
    | Posted on 2004-12-07 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]


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