A tired soul cries in prayer, to god's unknown, spit and swear. I'll sink to the bottom, the abysmal misfortune, soon to succeed in pits of nothing. Dire consequences leak through pin pricked holes, and it shines silver and ruby, like blood on my blade, that bleeds your name, and calls me insane. I shake and sigh, believe me, I'm the one to blame, no not me, I'm not jealous, I'm not green... I lie awake in this bed of red, and, assume please, there is nothing wrong with me. I'll be that girl that lies and dies, I'll be that girl committing suicide... hating the world, scorching and blistering, losing contour, kissing her own fade. Watching you wash away, watching you drown, finally my eyes are satisfied. That's ok, I'll shy, and die alone. Faking it.
| first of all stonesour's cool. second of all another deep piece from you, and third and lastly what a description! thats what i really like about your writing, the description is always cool! there's a lot of internal rhyming, and that adds to the effect. the passion is evident and the hate also clear. but the language was a torture, i had to check almost every fifth word in the dictionary. great title! but i didn't understand the kissing her fade part, is it fate?|
|| Posted on 2004-12-07 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ] || wow vicious this is great (hi by the way) when you get back to writing you really get back don't you (last time i was here you were kinda stuck.) this is great i like the part about faking it. it just great. sorry this is kinda short in crappy but im in shlotskys waiting on my food.||| Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by PryncessVynom | [ Reply to This ] || HI there|
I have to say this was a pretty hardcore write! The only thing I would suggest is changing the layout a little bit, grouping the ideas in lines.
Or maybe you meant the words to flood the reader in a torrent of rage? Only you can answer that, but there is some pretty vivid imagery here.
|| Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ] |