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    dots Submission Name: A Kiss From Prince Charmingdots

    Author: grinninggashes
    ASL Info:    17/f/from sumwhere :)
    Elite Ratio:    3.27 - 154/124/25
    Words: 469
    Class/Type: Story/Love
    Total Views: 910
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2391


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Kiss From Prince Charmingdots

    It was a dark and cold night and we had just gotten back from the movies. “I’ll walk you up to your door,” Chris generously offered. I quickly got out of the maroon car and headed up the driveway when we quickly stopped in front of his ’67 mustang. I was leaning on my grandma’s new bright red van. Almost two whole weeks had gone by since we started dating, and the first kiss, well, that doesn’t exists.

    When people know that they are going to receive something sooner or later, they usually want it sooner than later. Like on Christmas, the sights of the large wrapped colorful packages under the neatly decorated Christmas tree make me automatically start thinking of what it is and how it will be once I have it.

    Well, for me that’s how it is with a first kiss -not just the very first one but the first one with a new boyfriend. Thought just fly through my head. Where should my hands go? What if he thinks I’m the worst kisser ever? What should I say when it’s over? There is really no time to think about it while it’s going on. What is left to do is just go with it and, well, enjoy it.

    I can still picture everything like it was yesterday. The movie was The Ring, and he slyly snuck his arm around me. I felt all tingly inside and couldn’t wait until I got home and told my grandma what a blast I had at the movies. Little did I know that I was going to receive our first kiss and a tingly feeling that still hasn’t stopped. Halfway into the movie my neck and back started aching from the unusual position my back was in. I didn’t dare mention it because I loved the feeling that sense of security from him.

    Finally, the movie ended, and I stood and relieved my back from pain. Walking out, he grabbed my hand, causing me to blush like a childish twelve year old. “Enjoy the movie?” he questioned lifting his eyebrows. “Ya, it was pretty good” I replied looking away. I was fifteen and still very shy. The car ride home wasn’t’ exactly quiet. His mustang was so loud I couldn’t even hear myself think let alone talk. We pulled into the driveway; he got out to walk me to my front door, and there in front of his mustang we shared something special: our first kiss together. Now two years and a million kisses later, I still get that tingly feeling, just like it’s the very first time.

    Submitted on 2004-12-07 13:06:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like your story! Yes it is short, but it should be, as it is just really one scene. or just one that counts, "The Kiss". Eggman's right about the frivilous details, they tend to distract. Take them out, add some more detail about that kiss and you've got a winner. Try a little more humor in the movie sequence, it will make the love scene that much more dramatic. This is all about first love and first kisses, concentrate your details there, not on car colors or such. How did you feel? What was his reaction? What were you thinking? What do you think was in his mind? Push the details into that BIG scene.
    I really did enjoy reading this. You have a flare for developing the action, try to work on the character's developing as well.
    Nice story, good work, keep it up.

    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
       Well, everyone's summed up well the praises you deserve, so I think I'll just give that a skip (you did a fine job) and get into Eggman's suggestions of style. You don't mind a critical perspective, do you?

    The first thing that struck me automatically was the description of the kiss; it fell short. You built it up well, moving right into it, but when we got there it was over and gone - not even a second glance or memorable thought. Here's what I think: the title promises a kiss from Prince Charming, so why not carry the kiss into a fantasy? Make this guy a real Prince - fall head over heels for his stature, his money, his body, and, of course, his hair. Become a damsel rescued by his bulging arms...
    Yeah. I'm sure you get the point...

    There were several needless descriptions thrown around here (such as the color of the cars or the name of the movie) that could really be omitted. It's one of my main rules to omit needless words. And also those specifics take away from the end; you build the scene intently but then fall short on passionate descriptions for the kiss. And that is what this story is all about, right? You had a nice closing sentiment, though, but it is still no redemption.

    My stressed rule of advice... Practice! I encourage you to revise this one a bit and write more stories. Short stories can be magical, but it takes some training before you can use it correctly. Write more and write often... give us one hell of a show.
    | Posted on 2004-12-07 00:00:00 | by Eggman | [ Reply to This ]
      you have an extra 's' on the end of the first paragraphs 'exist'

    you need an 's' after 'make' in the second paragraph... presents under the christmas tree makes...

    (sorry about that i just thought id point them out as i read through the write... hope you dont mind...)

    OMG! this is GORGEOUS! all i can think of is Drew Barrymore (shes so damn chic!) in 50 first dates and how every time she kisses him shes like "nothing beats a first kiss" and the dude is like youve said that 21 times now... haha
    i love the movie scene and your massive discomfort and yet you dont wanna say nothing coz you dont want him to take his arm away... haha... ive so done that before!
    i love the element of surprise in this... the way that you at the start dismiss the chance of a first kiss... very cool... anyways yeah... brilliant job!
    | Posted on 2004-12-07 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      That's cool! Heck, I'm just about 44, and just recently met a lady who I love very much, and the first one and all since leaves me in a puddle! nice story!

    | Posted on 2004-12-07 00:00:00 | by TeddyD | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked your story, though a little short, I think it's sweet.
    I think that what you describe is what many girls feel when they are in love.
    good job!
    | Posted on 2004-12-07 00:00:00 | by rachel gless | [ Reply to This ]

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