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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Crumbdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: deadndreaming
    Elite Ratio:    6.75 - 1360/1263/81
    Words: 22
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 872
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 156



    Description:
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    dotsThe Crumbdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The poem hides
    In an anthill
    Waiting for a crumb to drop;
    Tasty remains
    Of someone else's meal
    Left to feed eternity




    Submitted on 2004-12-07 23:56:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The poem hides
    In an anthill
    Waiting for a crumb to drop;
    Tasty remains
    Of someone else's meal
    Left to feed eternity

    I think this is one of those observational pieces that would be much improved by stepping back and removing the reference to the poem, or poetry. Allow your readers to form attachments or draw conclusions of their own. As it reads now, it's a little forceful . . . and it limits its own possibilities with that one line. And the heart and soul of the short poem is that it must have wings and soar . . . it has to spark something in the imagination and linger. A revision could lend it that effect. It would be far more . . . of everything.

    Cool pic!
    | Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      to me.. this seems like the kind of poem that grows on you... reading it the first time i felt there was something missing.. but after going over it a few times.. i'd say that if you were to try and re-work it too much.. you'd lose the essence of what you started with.
    and with mininmalist poetry... you really need to know where to stop.. but i think you found the perfect place to stop at any rate.

    what i really like about this piece in particular are the connotations.. there's so much between the lines.. so much that you can derive from the imagery.. very interesting piece..and its amazing how just 6 lines can provoke so much thought..
    | Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      Great thought. Loved the shortness of it. Don't think it would have worked if it was much longer. Did you ever stop to think how hard an ant works for just one small crumb?
    | Posted on 2004-12-10 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, I confess I read the comments before commenting, but not before reading the poem.
    So I agree that it's good idea for a poem, but I alsi think that it could use some emotion, some heat, some passion. I know it's behind there hiding. Let it out.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh- the title made me think it was gonna be about Robert Crumb… Not really- I just wanted to say that… because… I am an @$$… Anyways- thys was a shorty for you. All I kno is that I want some “Tasty remains” Maybe I can get some at the next party. Mmmmmmm- sloppy seconds… Wait- did I just write that? Damn! Cover- cover- ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm- Look over there! Whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop!


    Wait why did I not just delete that?


    WAIT! Why am I posting thys!

    ~#6- (no! Don’t sign your name! Arrrrg!-)
    | Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]
      First, I think minimalist and then I realize how this blossoms with the line "left to feed eternity." "Tasty remains of someone else's meal", Ideas they chewed on, ruminated, at least things that have been discussed at some point. And poets do derive their ideas-creativity, even though we believe it's original, is made of leftovers. I like it, I even love it. Very original, even though I've said all this. Just kidding.
    nansofast
    | Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, this is clever and wonderfully minimalist. I think this has loads of depth. I love the idea of the poem already existing but needing nourishment (I often feel like I pull my works from the air). I also like how it's left to "feed eternity." It's true; some of the oldest works still ring true. I do find it odd that you just used the one semicolon; though I'm not averse to odd punctuation.
    | Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I wrote one somewhat like this but much longer. I love that you are saying that we get alot of our writing from others lifes or " crumbs" I think this is really brillant that you got so much depth in such a short poem. It took me so much more words to get to the point. Wonderful work!
    Dana
    | Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]


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