[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Text Book Thighsdots

    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Serious
    Total Views: 573
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 716

       This is not a reflection of myself. It poped into my head so I wrote it. Yeah make of it what you will. It is what it is.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsText Book Thighsdots

    Your thighs tell the stories
    of lovers who paid their tabs

    Their names
    didnít make it past
    these walls

    Each fantasy you brought to life
    at factory direct prices

    their calling card
    abortions that didnít
    make it to nine months

    And your eyes tell the stories
    of the path that runs off cliffs

    So good night beautiful
    I know you love your mother still
    Good night Beautiful
    Youíll never know my story

    This wallets staying closed
    but your coffeeís on the house

    Submitted on 2004-12-08 16:00:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      yeah i dont think harsh is the word to describe this poem because your/the narrator's attitude towards this woman has a very soft tone to it.

    there's a rawness to her life that comes through in your words.. and the sparsness of the words themselves seem to conjur this image of those bedroom walls .. looking in on an almost empty room..

    i think the stanza that hit me the hardest was the 6th one... because throughout the poem .. you're describing her in terms of her work.. in terms of how other people see her.. and suddenly you turn around and that soft tone i mentioned comes in.. and it's not that you feel pity for her.. but there's some sort of understanding on your part.. of who she really is.. beyond what she does.

    and the last two lines are excellent. the ending does seem a bit abrupt.. but i think that is fitting because it reflects the situation.. a brief encounter that ends abruptly.. there is nothing more than those few thoughts.. the glance.. and maybe that cup of coffee. but nothing more.

    i'm really impressed with this because you've written about something that is so far removed from your own life and you've made it your own. and that is something that i'm still struggling to do.
    | Posted on 2005-03-15 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this John...The wording is so natural that you forget your reading a poem and slip straight into the story. If an abortion can't make it to 9 months then maybe that phrase might be stronger if you said...
    "abortions that didn't make it past a month"

    I didn't feel this poem was harsh...it's soothing to read good poetry, it slips you into a place where words are warmth, I enjoyed your closing stanzas but I was expecting something more powerful...it's not that your ending disappoints it just took a different turn and it's one of those things where the more I read it the more it would grow on me...until it was home. Great work fella
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

    Sh*t that was awsome...flippen harsh.
    Love it when they flow from out of now where
    and it becomes whole all on it's own.
    Made me think of a ton of people that I've left behind do to differences in life styles.
    Awsome...truly think I need to print this one...
    yeah and paste it to the mall wall...hahaha
    yeah...some could truly use this as a wake up call.
    Good one John,
    thanks for these reads...needed to break the mess in my mind ;)
    | Posted on 2004-12-12 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      sounds like woman who sells herself...when i read it i got a picture in my head of you walking down the street maybe seeing this girl...you go into a coffee shop...she approaches you...you too have casual copnversation...she offers ...and you kindly decline...but still buy her a cup of coffee...or not...lol..thats just the image i had...though the stanza about the abortions i've read it over and over and i'm not making much sense of it i must be reading it wrong...or something...as usuali'm moissing something...in between the lines...the small print...?.i love when randomstories pop into my head like this...don't you ever wonder why this came to your mind..?...purp
    | Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, this is powerful. This is a sad story indeed. I like the foreshadowing (or that's how I see it) of "And your eyes tell the stories/of the path that runs off cliffs." I think "of paths that run off cliffs" is better grammatically. I don't really like "abortions that didnít/make it to nine months" because in order for it to be an abortion that would have to be the case. You need an apostrophe in wallet's (for wallet is). You need a comma before beautiful too. I like how you call her beautiful. It's nice to read a poem that doesn't judge such a woman a [censored].
    | Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      ahhh okay. had to re read. lol hey it's late in the day and this one had before crossed right over my head. Now on second read I get it now.
    This was truly original and I must say though I got lost the first time I quite enjoyed it the second time around. :)
    | Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
      I admire this poem (how did you get the spaces i want to do that but can't seem to) and i love the delicacy which it ends in
    "So good night beautiful
    I know you love your mother still
    Good night Beautiful
    Youíll never know my story"
    as for the popping of stories or characters or poems into head i can totally relate, i wrote about being a parent, when im not, i wrote about being an old man when im not, etc etc, these thing just come to you sometimes. thats when you know that somethings actually sparking in your brain, not just constantly being reitterated over and over, chewing up the last poem you read and re-writing it.
    keep it up, like what you do
    | Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by ellisa | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there. Well, at first I was a little thrown off by the title...but I must say, this was a great piece. I find that the poems that just "pop" into my head are often my best work. I'm sure that's true of many other poets as well. Anyhoo...great job. Much love to ya. :-)
    | Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by Juliets_dagger | [ Reply to This ]
      wow...this is a great poem! i like the way it flows. great job! instant fave, keep up the good work. cant wait to see some more poems!
    | Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by shattered_dream | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Push written by JanePlane
    You do, I Do written by poetotoe
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Summer written by layDsayD
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    written by Daniel Barlow
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Happy Saint Patrick's Day written by poetotoe
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    new moon written by CrypticBard




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]