yeah i dont think harsh is the word to describe this poem because your/the narrator's attitude towards this woman has a very soft tone to it.
there's a rawness to her life that comes through in your words.. and the sparsness of the words themselves seem to conjur this image of those bedroom walls .. looking in on an almost empty room..
i think the stanza that hit me the hardest was the 6th one... because throughout the poem .. you're describing her in terms of her work.. in terms of how other people see her.. and suddenly you turn around and that soft tone i mentioned comes in.. and it's not that you feel pity for her.. but there's some sort of understanding on your part.. of who she really is.. beyond what she does.
and the last two lines are excellent. the ending does seem a bit abrupt.. but i think that is fitting because it reflects the situation.. a brief encounter that ends abruptly.. there is nothing more than those few thoughts.. the glance.. and maybe that cup of coffee. but nothing more.
i'm really impressed with this because you've written about something that is so far removed from your own life and you've made it your own. and that is something that i'm still struggling to do.
I loved this John...The wording is so natural that you forget your reading a poem and slip straight into the story. If an abortion can't make it to 9 months then maybe that phrase might be stronger if you said... "abortions that didn't make it past a month"
I didn't feel this poem was harsh...it's soothing to read good poetry, it slips you into a place where words are warmth, I enjoyed your closing stanzas but I was expecting something more powerful...it's not that your ending disappoints it just took a different turn and it's one of those things where the more I read it the more it would grow on me...until it was home. Great work fella
Sh*t that was awsome...flippen harsh. Love it when they flow from out of now where and it becomes whole all on it's own. Made me think of a ton of people that I've left behind do to differences in life styles. Awsome...truly think I need to print this one... yeah and paste it to the mall wall...hahaha yeah...some could truly use this as a wake up call. Good one John, thanks for these reads...needed to break the mess in my mind ;) Kelly
sounds like woman who sells herself...when i read it i got a picture in my head of you walking down the street maybe seeing this girl...you go into a coffee shop...she approaches you...you too have casual copnversation...she offers ...and you kindly decline...but still buy her a cup of coffee...or not...lol..thats just the image i had...though the stanza about the abortions i've read it over and over and i'm not making much sense of it i must be reading it wrong...or something...as usuali'm moissing something...in between the lines...the small print...?.i love when randomstories pop into my head like this...don't you ever wonder why this came to your mind..?...purp
Well, this is powerful. This is a sad story indeed. I like the foreshadowing (or that's how I see it) of "And your eyes tell the stories/of the path that runs off cliffs." I think "of paths that run off cliffs" is better grammatically. I don't really like "abortions that didn’t/make it to nine months" because in order for it to be an abortion that would have to be the case. You need an apostrophe in wallet's (for wallet is). You need a comma before beautiful too. I like how you call her beautiful. It's nice to read a poem that doesn't judge such a woman a [censored].
ahhh okay. had to re read. lol hey it's late in the day and this one had before crossed right over my head. Now on second read I get it now. This was truly original and I must say though I got lost the first time I quite enjoyed it the second time around. :)
I admire this poem (how did you get the spaces i want to do that but can't seem to) and i love the delicacy which it ends in "So good night beautiful I know you love your mother still Good night Beautiful You’ll never know my story" as for the popping of stories or characters or poems into head i can totally relate, i wrote about being a parent, when im not, i wrote about being an old man when im not, etc etc, these thing just come to you sometimes. thats when you know that somethings actually sparking in your brain, not just constantly being reitterated over and over, chewing up the last poem you read and re-writing it. keep it up, like what you do ellisa
Hey there. Well, at first I was a little thrown off by the title...but I must say, this was a great piece. I find that the poems that just "pop" into my head are often my best work. I'm sure that's true of many other poets as well. Anyhoo...great job. Much love to ya. :-)