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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: natures intentdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: besodemuerte
    ASL Info:    31/f/pa
    Elite Ratio:    5.83 - 242/253/27
    Words: 76
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1819
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 559



    Description:
       i hate winter time..

    not sure about the title ... i change a few things... thanks for the suggestions anyone who commented so far... keep em coming!!!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsnatures intentdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Taking a final breath,
    holding his head high,
    admitting defeat,
    he falls to the ground.

    The leaf has succumbed
    and the air is still...

    Lying in wait
    for god's frozen tears
    to paint the earth
    with it's false sense of purity.

    Ripping the color
    from our vision.
    Reminding us of
    our lack of control.

    And life is life
    because it ends.
    It's nature's vicious cycle
    keeping us in check.




    Submitted on 2004-12-09 01:17:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i admired the way you took on the concept of life and death. a fair complexion of balance... i believe.

    most people consider death as a celebration of life... people die in order for the rest of us to value life more.

    a well made contrast.

    obviously... they are entities from both ends that we cannot escape from... might as well enjoy the ride.

    good job.
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      not sure how i feel about this one. i absolutely think it's beautiful. or should i say "rad". ok, beautiful. still, there's something about it not sitting right with me, something slightly off key. i'm gonna go think more. keep writin.
    | Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      i love winter, but i also loved this poem. the first stanza was great, describing the leaf falling to the ground, knowing it has no choice yet doing it with grace. i also like the reference to God's frozen tears. interesting take on the snow and ice. the end is a reminder that we are helpless against nature and her seasons. spring will come again, so we must accept winter in all her iciness.

    nice winter write. :)
    | Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Not bad, I liked the first two lines of the last two stanzas best.

    The last stanza could be slightly misleading because you refer to 'it' twice.

    I'm also not sure about the impact on the poem's tone by using 'his/he' instead of 'it's/it' in the first stanza.

    The metaphors bug me slightly in the first two lines of the 1st and 3rd stanza.

    I hope I don't sound too critical =]

    All in all a nice write, keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by Lostinbeer | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like it...but personally to me i like winter so i cant say much lol...but good job i can see the intention,...
    Anita
    | Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by anita_89 | [ Reply to This ]
      a good interpretation of nature's beauty... being all at the same time... wearing the concept of death around as a necklace... having a sense of duty and doesn't meander from the cycle. this is a good piece. it didn't rob me of the true essence of what life and all that comes with it is all about while giving an abstract drawing of nature's true face. i think that adds weight to your piece.

    good job.
    | Posted on 2004-12-13 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      And what fragile little winter leaves we are ... but if you take a look at the things that we do try and control you get a better understanding why we are not the number ones in the universe .. i like the neat simple words. For someone who is supposedly suffering from muddled thoughts seems like you have a few moments of clarity
    | Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]
      Well I love winter, but I'll look at this with you.
    I think a few tweaks add strength. You can ditch a coupel of "ands" in here.

    Taking a final breath,
    holding his head high,
    admiting defeat,
    he falls to the ground.

    The leaf has succumbed,
    the air is still...

    Lying in wait
    god's frozen tears (cliché', any other ideas?)
    paint the earth
    with a false sense of purity.

    Ripping the color
    from our eyes. (eyes or vision?)
    Reminding us of
    our lack of control.

    Life is life
    because it ends.
    Nature's vicous cycle
    keeping us in check.


    So I ommited a few words, changed the syntax slightly in S1, and I think it sounds better this way, but I realize you may not think so, it may no longer say what you meant. But do look at the phrase rips the color from our eyes. Did the color leave our eyes? Or were you implying that the color that was before our eyes, in our vision, was taken away? That's what I thought. So then change eyes to vision, or something like it.
    good luck,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      i think natures conflict could be a descent name also, but natures intent works fine, as far as capitalizing the word lying, well it all depends on your style, some poets write without any capitals or puntuation at all and leave only line breaks to signify a pause, a goog rule of thumb is to just follow a pattern like you did here by beginning each stanza with a capital, works fine here
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by brokenbatman | [ Reply to This ]
      Few small spelling errors: vicous to vicious, Natures to Nature's, it's to its. Lying is fine capitalized, so...now onto the important stuff..lol.
    Natures Way? maybe for a title?, nicely written, good flow and excellent thoughts, reminds me of the natural way of life, which we truly have little control over even though as humans we think we do.
    Alan
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by MidnghtScorpion | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW! I think you've worked this one to near perfection. It is now beautiful! A falling leaf, to remind us of life's cycles, of seasons, and of the hardships of winter, is a clever use of things natural. We do not control nature, it controls us. It seems the only critcism is with the phrase, "god's frozen tears". My suggestion would be that since it is to "paint the earth", why not make it paint. You'll probably want a natural sounding phrase, like "god's white primer", or another paint reference. I think this would be new and maybe complete your poem. Just trying to help.
    I think your poem is beautiful, and I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for posting it!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
    That was beautiful.
    "
    Taking a final breath,
    holding his head high,
    admitting defeat,
    he falls to the ground.

    The leaf has succumbed
    and the air is still..."
    I liked that because it is a leaf. Though i love the winter madly, my favorite time of the year. Though I have no window inmy bedroom therefor it is FREEZING. I was banded by my mum from sleeping there.
    Anyway back to the poem. Your imagery is breath taking *laughs at self for saying breath taking and meaning it*
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by Cigarette Smoke | [ Reply to This ]
      i really liked this poem. i like the words you chose to use. i think it was very powerful although i think the ending could have been a little more powerful to match the rest of the poem. good job <3
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by Lemmy | [ Reply to This ]
      Good write. This was really original and interesting, especially the way you personified the leaf at the beginning, which sorta ties back in at the end when you talk about how life is really just one big vicious cycle, and we're all going to die one day if the Lord tarries. It was sorta sad about the false sense of purity. . . almost as if there's nothing safe, secure, or real in this world except for birth and life and death, with no adjectives connected to the words. Very interesting though. . . the only thing I would change would be to use a different word than "vicious" even if it is part of a phrase. . . it's too jerky and SCREAMING AT YOU in such a subdued, stoic sort of poem. I dunno, those are just my thoughts. Great write.

    -Secret
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]
      : ): ) hey this place is great.. and some people write great :)

    anyway this is jon just to let you know ive posted what you thought i think.. could have been poetry if poetry wasnt the intention for writting them.

    and i think this is great.. im gonna have to read all of ur stuff

    xo, jon
    | Posted on 2005-03-07 00:00:00 | by DreamSyndicate | [ Reply to This ]
      A lovely poem. I actually don't mind winter too much, as long as I don't have to live with it for more than 2 months., especially if it's a heavy one.

    The title's okay I think.

    In S1, I'd be tempted to get rid of L3, especially since you reinforce the idea of the leaf's defeat in L1 of the ensuing couplet with the word 'succumbed'.

    Taking a final breath,
    holding his head high,
    he falls to the ground.

    The leaf has succumbed
    and the air is still...


    In L4 of S3, I'd like to suggest changing "its" to "a", like so:

    Lying in wait
    for God's frozen tears
    to paint the earth
    with a false sense of purity.


    In S5, you bring up your central point, which is that Life (well, Nature) is a vicious circle (cycle), where, as Life ends, it begins again.

    However, nowhere in the poem is the reference to life begining made. The first stanza starts with life ending as signified by the leaf dropping in defeat, so it stands to reason, that at the end of the poem, you should mention something springing (hint, hint) to life or being (re)born anew, thereby reinforcing your point of life following death, following life ad infinitum.

    Additionally, it would be kind of cool/ironic(?) that in the beginning (of the poem) there is an ending, and in the ending (of the poem) there is a beginning. A good balance, wouldn't you say?

    Just my thoughts.

    Good work. I like it.
    | Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by timberwolf720 | [ Reply to This ]


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