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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: hell and backdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: theman
    ASL Info:    21/m/mn
    Elite Ratio:    3.52 - 496/478/149
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 579
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 764



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotshell and backdots
    -------------------------------------------


    when I was born
    I was already in hell
    I just fell
    Why couldn't I be sold

    6 years later you walk back into my life
    now I wonder why
    I didn't grab the knife

    Now 15 years old
    I've been to hell and back
    father beating
    another father screaming at me
    seems to be that i'm the center of attention
    we will never have a connection
    I will never have affection
    Always spending my time in detention

    Now I have hit rock bottom
    my life sucks
    drinking, smoking, getting beat
    it's the daily routine
    I'm not a fiend
    can't you see that i'm just a teen
    please let me be




    Submitted on 2004-12-09 10:47:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ummmm...u seem to think being a teen is supposed to be an excuse for why you do drugs and spend time in detention...mmhmm. Overall, I thought this wasn't SUCH a bad peice, you could have elaborated more on such things and changed the rhyme scheme. I didn't like the rhyming at all. The meaning wasn't very strong either, it could have been better. Maybe you should try describing your feelings just a tad more. Nice job though! Keep writing.
    -steph
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by HurtDeepDown | [ Reply to This ]
      unlke the others, I don't care about the rhyme pattern I think that if you feel it you fell it, and I felt it. It was really strong and at times I struggled to keep reading because It made me mad and in a way "depressed" (for lack of better word). that was amazing.
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by bleedbroken | [ Reply to This ]
      There was a poor rhyme pattern, but the message is there nevertheless. You are obviously having a rough time as a teen. those times are rough, but you will make it they always do. unless you are like some who succumb to the problems and take the easy way out. as far as the poem i liked the emotion but try to keep the same pattern over and over again it will help in your structure. good job either way i also hope everything gets a little better for you try to help on your end also dont blame your problems at home on you getting detention you have to be a man and take responsibilty for your actions no matter how much you have to overcome that is the beauty of growing up and busting out of the hole that your opposition is trying to bury you in.
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by dylanpoe | [ Reply to This ]
      Now 15 years old
    I've been to hell and back
    father beating
    another father screaming at me
    seems to be that i'm the center of attention
    we will never have a connection
    I will never have affection
    Always spending my time in detention

    Now I have hit rock bottom
    my life sucks
    drinking, smoking, getting beat
    it's the daily routine
    I'm not a fiend
    can't you see that i'm just a teen
    please let me be

    Well, I think that if you read these two verses again you will understand why you are always in trouble. Sorry, I am a mother and I understand both sides. you want to be independant. They want a well off child. Up Down Up Down Up Down. 15 and smoking? What's up with that. I'm sorry but I don't see that as being cool. I see that as cutting a life short. Sorry.
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      I say, and this is Smug Doug speaking.. YOU LIE. Be very good in front of your father and then when he is sleeping go out and have a good time but always be back before he wakes up. IT Won't fail...anyways I've never had to deal with such things, my father and I have been in the same line of work since I was a young young man. The poem you wrote was decent , the rhyme lost me in some parts and other parts I didn't think there was a rhyme...you get a B
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by Smug_Doug | [ Reply to This ]


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