Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: hell and backdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: theman
    ASL Info:    21/m/mn
    Elite Ratio:    3.52 - 496/478/149
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 600
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 764



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotshell and backdots
    -------------------------------------------


    when I was born
    I was already in hell
    I just fell
    Why couldn't I be sold

    6 years later you walk back into my life
    now I wonder why
    I didn't grab the knife

    Now 15 years old
    I've been to hell and back
    father beating
    another father screaming at me
    seems to be that i'm the center of attention
    we will never have a connection
    I will never have affection
    Always spending my time in detention

    Now I have hit rock bottom
    my life sucks
    drinking, smoking, getting beat
    it's the daily routine
    I'm not a fiend
    can't you see that i'm just a teen
    please let me be




    Submitted on 2004-12-09 10:47:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ummmm...u seem to think being a teen is supposed to be an excuse for why you do drugs and spend time in detention...mmhmm. Overall, I thought this wasn't SUCH a bad peice, you could have elaborated more on such things and changed the rhyme scheme. I didn't like the rhyming at all. The meaning wasn't very strong either, it could have been better. Maybe you should try describing your feelings just a tad more. Nice job though! Keep writing.
    -steph
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by HurtDeepDown | [ Reply to This ]
      unlke the others, I don't care about the rhyme pattern I think that if you feel it you fell it, and I felt it. It was really strong and at times I struggled to keep reading because It made me mad and in a way "depressed" (for lack of better word). that was amazing.
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by bleedbroken | [ Reply to This ]
      There was a poor rhyme pattern, but the message is there nevertheless. You are obviously having a rough time as a teen. those times are rough, but you will make it they always do. unless you are like some who succumb to the problems and take the easy way out. as far as the poem i liked the emotion but try to keep the same pattern over and over again it will help in your structure. good job either way i also hope everything gets a little better for you try to help on your end also dont blame your problems at home on you getting detention you have to be a man and take responsibilty for your actions no matter how much you have to overcome that is the beauty of growing up and busting out of the hole that your opposition is trying to bury you in.
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by dylanpoe | [ Reply to This ]
      Now 15 years old
    I've been to hell and back
    father beating
    another father screaming at me
    seems to be that i'm the center of attention
    we will never have a connection
    I will never have affection
    Always spending my time in detention

    Now I have hit rock bottom
    my life sucks
    drinking, smoking, getting beat
    it's the daily routine
    I'm not a fiend
    can't you see that i'm just a teen
    please let me be

    Well, I think that if you read these two verses again you will understand why you are always in trouble. Sorry, I am a mother and I understand both sides. you want to be independant. They want a well off child. Up Down Up Down Up Down. 15 and smoking? What's up with that. I'm sorry but I don't see that as being cool. I see that as cutting a life short. Sorry.
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      I say, and this is Smug Doug speaking.. YOU LIE. Be very good in front of your father and then when he is sleeping go out and have a good time but always be back before he wakes up. IT Won't fail...anyways I've never had to deal with such things, my father and I have been in the same line of work since I was a young young man. The poem you wrote was decent , the rhyme lost me in some parts and other parts I didn't think there was a rhyme...you get a B
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by Smug_Doug | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    36719

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    The Promise written by annie0888
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    untitled written by Chelebel
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry