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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: it will come outdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Forgiven
    ASL Info:    38/F/Florida
    Elite Ratio:    3.82 - 337/331/94
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 962
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 639



    Description:
       What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsit will come outdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I have lost,
    my friends my mind....
    With all the lies
    they have become blind.
    There is not anything else to say
    excpet I regret all that lead up to this day.
    They will not listen and I'm so sad
    but I guess they are right,
    and that makes them glad.
    I'm just miserable,its eating me inside
    and I want to make it better
    God knows I've tried.
    But this is just it,it wont go away
    there are somethings I dont want to say.
    But I guess that is the reason why this came about,
    and now past the silence the truth has came out.




    Submitted on 2004-12-09 12:26:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      wow i have to say, this is full of raw emotion- curious to know why u feel this way, but this is just life- it comes str8 at us and hits us in the face like a rock, and we fall unconscious but never allow it to kill u...
    awesome write and i look forward to all ur writings, don't let anyone or anything from speaking ur mind...
    -danny
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by dannyshyboy | [ Reply to This ]
      Lots of pain is the back bone of this poem, it shows that you are lonely and hurt, and that you can not feel as if you can bring it out to some one who will listen to those sobering tears that need to be comforted, I know how it is to burn inside and to find nothing and not one person to talk to...
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by Crestfallenman | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like your poem. I feel a lot of these emotions on a daily basis. And, feel sorry for anyone else that does, yet relieved I have company. "Losing your friends and mind", *nods*. Those lines stuck out in my head and will be echoing through there for a while yet. Thanks so much for this beautiful write.
    ~BCute
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi forgiven,
    Although, I like the poem over all, there are a few things I would like to point out.
    * In the over all poem, you have rhyme then lose rhyme and it switches back and forth, this takes away from your poem a good bit. I would deside if you wanted it to rhyme or not. I would not go both ways.
    *There are a few lines that seem forced but packed with emotion. I feel you are holding yourself back from opening yourself to write what you truely want to write. We all get this from time to time. We have to just grin and bare it and write what our souls tell us to write. Always remember nobody has to see it but you. After your finished with it then you can deside if you want others to see it our keep it for yourself. but I will tell you you best writing will be written with yourself being honest. Good or Bad. I have a few that I will never show anyone.
    Just a few ideas for you, I hope they will help you some.
    Dana
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]
      here's my suggestion, just use these first few lines:

    I have lost,
    my friends my mind...
    With all the lies
    they have become blind.
    There is not anything else to say


    and wow will u ever add so much power to it. for two reason,one after these lines, it sounds more like a rant than a poem,secondly has such a dramatic effect, leaving you and the reader with the ultimate resolution.

    Just my suggestion, keep writing
    | Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]


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