i saw this on someone's favorite list... so naturally i was like... "what the hell... read it"
not so sure. but on a personal note... i admired the way you depicted a man creating some sort of paradise for someone and yet not having enough of who he is to give it... or to make himself known but only give the hint of the paradise... which is the memory of him.
so life moves on with that unfulfilled notion. and whenever he sees her... yeah... that's gotta sting a little considering how much he invested.
sorry if i might have missed what you wanted to give...
anyway, i thought it was good. it is in its own way... some form of enchantment. domesticated but still attractive.
This is a beautiful piece Rees, happy you are back posting. You chose and blend your words so flawlessly, that the result has a lyrical flow, -like a hushed intimate conservation, or a love song. "I could have walked along side you drawing pictures in your mind with asphalt, rubies and melted sand " Those lines are the hook, and i bit, and was not disappointed once. I especially liked the contrasting images -the rough common asphalt, the precious sparling rubies, and the fantastic-the melted sand. It says to me that you could have/would have given your all,-and more to be with this woman.
The second stanza needs a little tweaking here and there, it reads a little choppy, especially after gliding through the first one.Perhaps a comma or two?- or change the line breaks,-add or subtract a word? But the overall image, of the sunshine emanating from her, makes me think of the wonder one would feel upon seeing an angel- you capture that dramatically-
I loved the closing line, both for the unusual but appropriate use of "thwart", and for the image I see of the man, literally gaping at her beauty, the rolling plains now secondary in his view. Thanks for submitting Silver
This was really beautiful man. Great title too. I read this and the words just melded into vivd images of a warm sunny afternoon in the countryside, a man and a woman, with her hair shining in the sunlight's reflection, walking together down a country road.
I wasn't sure if you meant "rapture my skin" or "rupture my skin" at first, but after a moment, I decided that you really did mean to use "rapture" as it fits in so much better with the rest of the poem. One other thing, "the shadows you've cast", I'd like to suggest that you change "you've" to "you" in keeping with the tense of the rest of the lines. Other than that, it's perfect.
Again, this really is very beautiful - the words could be lyrics to a song, a really pretty song. Amazing write, Rees. So glad to see you posting again after being away for so long. Welcome back!
ive not seen anything of you for the longest time (it could be that i am blind but if im not... its great to see you... actually... even if i am... its still great to see you!)
i love the way this poem casts a spell... at first i thought the girl didnt even exist... but it wasnt her that didnt exist... it was the pictures... the girl sure does exist and she sounds like a god damn tease... excuse my ignorance but is melted sand glass...? i have this idea it is... and in that case your almost making stained glass windows but yeah... i might be reading too much into that... but yeah... this is quite an enchanting read... see ya round!
i luv poetry that once u read it, ur not sure what the writer is speaking of 100%, in turn this allows the readers imagination to take over and come up with the most reasonable explainations behind it all. i envisioned myself walking down kansas, upset but yet smirking at my situation- weird hu?! n-e ways great, and awesome job - keep 'em coming. -danny
It's so good to see some work from you! I loved this piece. You described this very well. I like your idea of watching someone and drawing pictures in their mind, but never really being there. Interesting concept. :) Great job.
your alias reminded me of a old song called big rock candy mountain...oh its bout hobos...aww good times...omfg this is so pretty...with all the omg i just love this so much everything bout it is awesome..! everyone is having a good day today writting great poems and all!
Hi, Rees. This is different, the words used at the end, raptured, and thwart, are not used in their normal connotation. From their context within the piece, I think I still understand what you mean. Perhaps such understanding isn't the point or isn't important, but I am curious why you chose to use for example, thwart instead of divert or distract. In the end I'm not sure if the voice is expressing regret over not persuing something that could have been real, or is simply daydreaming. I did enjoy reading it. Hope the comments are useful, Dave
Well. that one sad line tho. About the pictures not being there, only the man who imaginied them. See thas the problem with love - its just barely a team sport - mostly its two paths of delusional thinking struggling to converge. shard
quite the list of commentrary. i fu-cking hate it when people do not question things.
i think you have written this piece in a sensitive and soft touching way, and you manage to convey a sense of longing and humility, which is commendable. the piece is lucid and moves like it is submerged in water. however there a few things that do not seem to relate conceptually here. the last line is a dramatic movement from the rest of the piece. im not sure if this was intentional or not, but it does not seem to fit. im not sure if i am missing something in the analogy, but it seems to have no direction or relevance to the words that precede it. you build us to a point and then you throw us from it. and this is/would be fine were it throwing us in a direction, no matter how far away, that was still tangible. and so i feel dizzy when leaving the piece, but i dont know why. i also struggle to see the conceptual relevance in your punctuation/grammar/whatever. you capitalise lines 1,6,7 and 9. line one is fine as it is the start of the piece. i can almost live with line 6 if you want to accent the word 'but.' you may want to hold us there or you may want it to possess a little more weight, but this, in my opinion, would be far more effective with a full stop or comma. these devices do not interupt the movement of the eyes on the piece as much as a big capital 'B' in the middle of a verse, and so may be a little more subtle. i would say the same for line seven. i se that line 9 is the start of a new verse but the accent seems to be at the wrong place. it would be more relevant if it were placed on 'you' or not at all. even though you have broken up the verses, it could still read as one should you desire it, and two concepts read as one piece seems pertinient to what you have submitted here, in my opinion. i see a slightly surreal aspect to your piece, and at first i found it hard to live with. for example: 'drawing pictures in your mind with asphalt, rubies and melted sand,' this is very dali-esque and it plays on my mind as to whether these are deep analogies that are well thought out or whether they are just abstract for abstract sake. surrealism/abstraction as art forms can be very powerful, but also misleading. if it feels right then it can be the most powerful of imagery, but if not it can seem very contrived. but this is all down to perception and so a point that could be perpetually argued, and just something as i see it. i feel your last line fits into this category also. all this said, your piece has depth for something so short and apparently simple, and this is to its credit. it reads well on more than one occasion and offers new ideas to unfold in your mind, take care on1eday.co.uk
This is very beautiful, I like the minimalist quality, you say everything it needs and nothing is wasted. The images are unique, enjoyable pictures for the mind. Like you, I don't pressure a piece line by line. I like to comment on the whole, rather than the parts. but this is very good, it leaves me feeling enchanted and has an honesty that's real. Thanks for the read, nansofast