Description: This is inspired by the last two movies I watched. . . a rendition of A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens and Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare. This is meant to be read aloud, unlike most of my poetry. It starts out in a quiet voice, then in the second stanza it is fervent, quiet hope, the third stanza desperate and sorrowful, the fourth angry and more angry up until the word fist, where it becomes soft and tender once more. Then, at the end, the last word trails off into a wondering silence. I dunno; just tell me what you think, and how I could improve.
Lonely Star -------------------------------------------
A lonely star
this beacon;
held so tight within my hand that I cannot
feel it
anymore
How now my heart
that you cry out so loudly
in this place of whispered hope, this
place of tearful joy?
I love you!
And yet
in those three spoken words
lies the most time-worn and heartbroken cliché
utilized again and once more to mend shattered dreams
with the glue of falsehood and nothing else!
Where now, love
are your promises, your solemn oaths?
Where are your vows
that I would see a day
when my heart would be no longer
a lonely star, clenched within a lonely fist?!
But
be held -
palm in palm
and hearts in hand
with another.
What a profoundly sad piece. You did a real nice job of relaying the empty feeling of desperation that comes from being in a one-sided relationship. No doubt we've all had this feeling at one time or another. No doubt we'd all be hard-pressed to describe it any more beautifully and dramatically than you have here.
Ex cel lent work. Hehe. Honestly though, this piece was great! I may not be a great actress myself, but reading this aloud with the guidelines you had given was not only fun, but held SO much meaning I couldnt believe what I was saying. This definetely sounds shakespeare, and I like the touch of a lost love you kind of gave it.
A very good write, and defintely one of my favorites:O)
A "lonely star" held in hand, "a heart crying out for love", and someone who lies about loving, who breaks promises, and reneges on vows of togetherness, all create a very sad image. The final question,"Where...", without the question mark,is key. As in Dicken's "Christmas Carol", it is all about hope, hope for the future, setting aside the past and looking ahead, with a new attitude on life, and not repeating the failures of the past. I love the sort of Shakespearian tone of your poem, almost like a soliloquy. One hears the lonelines as it is read, brought out by the images of a crying heart and a lonely star. A terrific composition! I loved it!
Hmm, good, Overall, I enjoyed it, not something I would put into favorites, mind you...no offense. What happened to the rest of the poem after where? It seems raw without it.
Submission Name: Lonely Star
