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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Heartbreaker2dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: grinninggashes
    ASL Info:    17/f/from sumwhere :)
    Elite Ratio:    3.27 - 154/124/25
    Words: 365
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 826
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2013



    Description:
       This is a revised one... still pretty much the same I tried to make it easier to read..and I hope I did so...hope ya like it :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHeartbreaker2dots
    -------------------------------------------


    As the rain falls my tears help fill the colorless puddle.
    Questions sworm around in my head, like bees on the hunt for honey.
    What could I have possibly done to overturn my fate?
    All I feel now is guilt and shame.. I'm better than that. T
    he crimson colored drops slowly ooze out of the hole in my heart, and fill my stomach with pain of the memory that you caused.
    I've tried to patch the wound so the thoughts don't escape but the pain is too powerful for me to overcome.
    I feel powerless to the pain that corupts my every emotion and sends my precious world into termoil repeatedly without righteous cause.
    Eventually I'll surpass this undying pain, but for now it lives on taunting me with emotions I simply cannot fight.
    I hope you realize the carlessness of your actions and words were just not right and haunt my memory causing me to be blinded from what society refers to as love.
    Being in the midst of love can be mind shattering but falilng so deep, like in a fresh new cut still glistening of the salty substance that stains lives unknowingly without direct intentions.
    Watching other couples light up like a crescent moon fills me with an angry jealous rage.
    For all I desire and long for is my true love to not doubt me in a cruel unruly manner.
    All I long for is pure love with no evil intentions to puncture my heart.
    Love me for me, don't say it then harshly take it back and leave me in the dust without a single drop of water to quench my thirst.
    I'd never wish this heartache on my very worst enemy.
    Well I couldn't wish it upon anyone BUT my worst enemy.
    TIme to gather all the pieces that were unkindly shattered and mend my broken heart.
    That torture of picturing my soul with another is over, but the pain will never seize for I never imagned the one I cared about most would turn out like the rest... a heart breaker..




    Submitted on 2004-12-10 10:42:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is an alright piece, but I don't think that it can rightly be considered poetry. It reads much more like a letter than anything. Also, some of the sentences flow very awkwardly, particularly this one: "Being in the midst of love can be mind shattering but falilng so deep, like in a fresh new cut still glistening of the salty substance that stains lives unknowingly without direct intentions." Effective use of commas could serve to alleviate the clumsiness of some of the sentences in this piece.

    Additionally, you might want to watch your conventions a bit, as you misspelled "corrupts," "swarm," and "turmoil" (among others).

    I liked the literary devices you used, especially early in the piece, like the simile of the "couples lighting up like a crescent moon."

    Overall, in creating this piece you conveyed a theme that can easily be related to, and demonstrated many qualities of a good writer; though I would say that classifying it as poetry was a mistake. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
    | Posted on 2004-12-10 00:00:00 | by Moose_Jive | [ Reply to This ]
      well, there is one thing that certainly got through to me. which is anger. anger. anger. almost like a tyrant. whew...but then that makes this such a powerful, great piece. i was able to pick up such an emotion--which i have--and it has left me pretty shaky...lol. but yes, this is indeed, a strong, piece. very, very, strong. i can relate of course, to this full field of anger, jealousy, longing, passion and all other areas this poem miraculously covers...so i really, really like it. i love your words, they are definitely descriptive. they are poetic and also symbolic. and basically you played with your words, so phrases i never thought of or might not have considered...you conveyed in this piece. definitely gonna be one of my fav. and keep up with writing. with the skills you got, you are able to transform your audience almost instantly. take it from me. hehe
    | Posted on 2004-12-10 00:00:00 | by MizCandy05 | [ Reply to This ]


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