To Rekindle a Dying Love by eener

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Submission Name: To Rekindle a Dying Love dots

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Author:	eener
ASL Info:	21/f/wi
Elite Ratio:	5.55 - 351/369/53
Words:	116

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	318
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	805

Description:
From make up ads to depictions in movies to TV to our peers, we experience so many pressures to not be ourselves. Never give in.

To Rekindle a Dying Love dots

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Heeding society's voice of reason,
By committing personal ultimate treason,
The brainwashed failed to recall the means,
Behind the mirror's many ghastly scenes.

They turned in smiles for buckets of tears
And broken promises to rid all fears,
Just to gain more love and respect
These poor souls were fooled to expect.

Filled with self loathing and deeply torn,
Heavy hearts soon longed to become reborn,
Sick of being taught to strive for the best
In fake perfection, and still greeting detest.

Recover the lost love deep within.
Ignore the crowd to let the healing begin.
Shut off their voices and toss their advice.
The power to choose is the best installed device.

Submitted on 2004-12-10 16:11:23 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Heeding society's voice of reason
By committing personal ultimate treason,
The brainwashed now fail to recall the means
Behind the mirror's many ghastly scenes.
Heeding society's voice of reason, by following its call, yet at the same time, by following and doing as society tells us to, we are defying the very laws validating man's purpose in this world. And as we gaze at our own milling about inside of this dream state, we are unaware that this is even occuring, and for those of us who are, we deny that truth. This was a well written stanza. There is nothing that I would have changed except for the additional of a few commas, to allow for the natural pauses to occur. Try reading this aloud without commas, and where you would normally pause, insert a comma. This does wonders for the subconscious.

They turned in smiles for buckets of tears
And broken promises to rid all fears,
Just to gain more love and respect
These poor souls were fooled to expect.
So, as we were brainwashed by the media and the like, false pretenses were yet held. Smiles were given to us, to offer a false sense of comfort, and to otherwise distract us, detract and/or divert our attention away from those lost, and this was done for their own selfish gain, for they weren't concerned about those lives forfeited in wars and other etceteras, but about their own political gain and status. Those promises for some retribution were also given...This stanza was equally as wel-written, just building and compoundnig upon those thoughts form the first stanza. Punctuation would be changed as in the first stanza.

Now filled with self loathing and deeply torn,
Heavy hearts long to become reborn,
Sick of being taught to strive for the best
In fake perfection and still greeting detest.
The nation wishes to speak, yet that privilege has not been granted to them. A nation without a voice in the government. The nation is tired of being told that they are one of excellence, that they are a world power, an dyet are in fact a third world country as they stand. This stanza seemed not to have as much depth to me, but had the depth necessary to continue the compilation and generation of intensity and emotional momentum in this piece.

Recover the lost love deep within.
Ignore the crowd to let the healing begin.
Shut off their voices and toss their advice.
The power to choose is the best installed device.
Here the people are given a voice. You switch from narration to affirmation of a truth here. A nice transposition.

Now, here are some things which I picked up. The punctuation needed to be there. Adding natural pauses would greatly assist this read. Next, the poem shifted from present to past to present tense at points. Since you are recalling past events, this piece should be placed into a past tense for the first three stanzas, and then with the last stanza you could either keep this poem in present tense or past tense.

If you keep it in present tense, the effect that this would have is the reader is pulled from the shadows of the past of the us, and into the present, a look at what could happen if the poeple rose up, and gained that voice of reason and choice.

If this were left in past tense, then, this would have the effect of you telling a fairy tale to say, and this is the happy ending, for instead of continuing on the destructive path they were on, the poeple rose up, an dgained that voice, and overcame this caste of a system that was holding them down.

Other than that, there wasn't much else to critique. I would have gone to work on the iambic pentameter, but I forgot that you don't use that, and this is your stylle, and iambic is mine. A more refined tempo for this piece would have the same effect as a drummer's cadence, marching you along, also creating the imagery of wartime and strife subconsciously, a little psychological warfare trick o' mine.

I hope thta I was able to offer some guidance. This wasn't a critique, just guidance. If you wish in the future, email me a poem you wish for me to critique, and I will handle it line by line for you *smiles*. Do Take Care.

"Loquacious Mind"
| Posted on 2004-12-11 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
Interesting theme. The words "greeting detest" don't seem to fit the meaning. It reads a little choppy, but there are some good images there.
| Posted on 2004-12-10 00:00:00 | by dreamexandra | [ Reply to This ]

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