Dear Patrick by magickandie

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Submission Name: Dear Patrick dots

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Author:	magickandie
Elite Ratio:	4.34 - 190/168/37
Words:	199

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	402
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	951

Description:
this is a poem about the stuff i wish i could express to my daughters father

Dear Patrick dots

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Dear Patrick,

While you read this letter that I write,
Will you feel the emotions that I fight?
Will the knife in your chest twist and turn,
While the tears trickle and burn?
Can you feel the lust and disgust,
Churning in your gut?
While reading this letter can you honestly say,
" It wasn't me! "
" I'm innocent! "
" You're crazy, that's why I went away! "
Do you really think,
I am still that dumb?
How can you believe,
That web of lies you weaved?
Could we, just for a moment,
Remember we were once in love,
That we together, brought a child into this world?
Could we put aside our spats and arugements,
And listen to our child?
She loves us despite ourselves.

Andrea

Submitted on 2004-12-10 17:01:49 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  sounds like were going through the same thing, with me and my ex, he has my son and i am trying to get him back, any advice would be great
| Posted on 2004-12-27 00:00:00 | by MoonDancer | [ Reply to This ]
  that was a very good poem written in a very bad situation.Maybe you think that you deserve to be happy once at least,that you as a person have the right to start up a new life...but after all what you mostly care about is your daughter,and she surely can't grow up without the help of both of you,because she needs her father as much as your love
| Posted on 2004-12-10 00:00:00 | by lanza13 | [ Reply to This ]
  For dear patrick read dear diary.
First up I think you need to distance yourself from what is obviously an issue to do with the support you and your child rightly (or wrongly) expected from the adult male.
If you're going to write effectively then you need to have more or less sorted most of your issues - in your head at least. Hence, because of your obvious emotional investment, this read like a mad woman's sh1te - all over the place.
Here:

Dear Patrick,

Whilst you read this letter that we wrote
will you feel the emotions that I fight?
Will the knife in your chest twist and turn
while my tears trickle hot and acid burn?
Do you feel the lust and the disgust
churning headlong in your gut?
While reading this can you honestly say
it wasn't me
I'm innocent
or
you're crazy
that's why I went away!
Do you really think
I'm still that dumb?
And you believe
that web of lies you careful weaved?
Could we please
for a moment at least
remember
we were once in love,
that we together
brought a child into this world?
Can't we set aside our spats and arguements
and listen for our child?
She loves us despite ourselves.

Andrea

Whichever way you cut this up it's still a diary and the average Joe has enough me I me I in his daily grind. Have a read of the suggested and see that there's some subtlety and distancing there.
It's a discipline thing...
Have another go - unless all you want to do is bleat.
Later,
K
| Posted on 2004-12-10 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  very touching..i know a couple of people who have gone through somethiing similar with their partners. its a very touchy situation to deal with. best of luck to you >:)< -hug
| Posted on 2004-12-10 00:00:00 | by TorturedSoul | [ Reply to This ]

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