Description: I'm not sure about this one, but I thought I'd put it up anyway.
Blind to the Ugliness -------------------------------------------
The twilight sky was colored
purple and blue like a bruise
around the moon who was
just showing his battered face.
The wind bit into us
leaving our flesh pink;
in the distance
a couple argued bitterly,
plates crashed and shattered.
You held me tighter
sheilding me from the violence, and
whispering you love me.
Suddenly I'm blind to the ugliness:
the rest of the world disappears.
This is a little different for you. Sometimes you take something seemingly happy and put a sad twist on the end, but this time you've gone the other way with great effect. I feel this way all the time. I can't help but see the ugliness. Ugly is so damn loud. It always makes me feel so lucky to be in such a stable place.
the end turned mushy on me... lol... i didnt expect that! i love the battered bruised moon... ooo...thats such an image... and the pink flesh from biting winds is pretty cool too. the violence and chaos of the world is depicted well and then the contrast to everything fading away with an i love you and the closing of your eyes is just lovely... i guess it gives your peace more weight and reality in contrast with the smashing plates and bruised face moon... good stuff
What I liked about this was the different take on the night sky and moon. People usually speak of them being beautiful, not bruised and battered. Your idea is so unique and executed so well. Me likes...a lot. And everything, the ideas, just flowed so nicely together. -danielle-
This is very vividly described and really beautiful in all the ugliness you added. It really does mean something when someone loves you that much to make all the ugliness in the world disappear. I liked this part the best, "Around the moon who was Just showing his battered face" Talking about the blue and purple sky. That's very good visuals. I just really liked this piece. :) Great write! Hugs! -blt
To be honest the poem starts falling apart after the 2nd line...I feel like you need to offer images and create mood that allows the reader to think and feel their way through the poem while you secretly lead them through. Here you are overtly leading us through with line that TELL rather than show so that we can see the director and the camera man and the background of the set all through the scenes. You stepped backwards in your revision imo. I don't doubt that you can conquer this demon though. Go get it
I really like your images. they convey the mood very well. the part about the couple arguing fits in there. shows the 'ugliness' more intensive. but I'm not sure about your last two lines. I guess you could have the same effect if you stop after "Whispering you love me". what you say in these last two lines is clear to the reader in my opinion (at least for me it is) and therefore isn't needed. but it's up to you. really good poem anyway.
I like the new ideas here, the plates crashing, lights up the degree of violence needed for a bruised sky. Now, it all fits, were you waiting for me to tell you what this one meant? You'd have to do the same for me, you know. Oh, I'm being a brat.
I like this...I like most of your poems actually...there's always something unique and satisfying about them. ( did you get a digi cam for Christmas??? You have a new pic up every time I read one of your poems)
I really like the images of bruises and the couple...the whole poem...I think some seams and scuff marks are showing though...You have some conflicts with tense, "bitterly arguing" might be better switched around, and I think there's room to work in more SHOW and less TELL...the poem has power and emotion and it's a keeper with a little work. take or toss. DB
The stage you set here goes from cosmic into your world, like a funnel. The colors of the moon, like a bruise, maybe a premonition of the couple fighting, the wind makes us pink, a clue that this love is working. But the intimacy says yes, protection, love, it does erase the ugliness of the world. It's a cool theme, I like it. Nan
i really like the images in this, the violence of the colors, like a bruise... very vivid. it is kind of similar to the night slaying the day... funny that we should be on the same wavelength. not really surprising, actually, to me. i'm not too sure about the part about the couple... you almost don't need that, 'cause you've already suggested the violence of the sunset... but that is minor. i like this, i really do.