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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: That four letter word.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: slybee22
    ASL Info:    20
    Elite Ratio:    5.59 - 93/64/27
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Rant/
    Total Views: 288
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 716



    Description:
       in this instant I am in a fit of insanity. nothing is going right I had just re-opened a deep wound that had never quit healed it I'm more going for the emotion the phrasing is left as it is for effect im feeling a bit bi-polar here on moment I'm shouting through the tear the next i'm shaking almost beging for clarity. it a response to someone so chipper up beat and in love telling me things will be fine and all that i've snaped at the one i blame for it all im a bit disgusted the this person after the they've done has the nerve to speak of love.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThat four letter word.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Love!
    Have you, ever loved a love unrequited.
    Just reminiscing upon this "love" makes the fires of hell blaze within ones soul.
    Hatred for all that walks, all that moves awakens within.

    Do say it will fade away as before, but this time never to return as it has.


    Never should I of returned to that place where my heart was broken, where I was left to feel like nothing but a token, my soul like flesh cut open.

    Unforeseen pain emerged as strong as the day your truth was finally spoken (Silly me handling toxic waste with not but a rubber glove.).
    One day I will feel not that pain but for now speak not of love.




    Submitted on 2004-12-12 00:38:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Thanks for reading my poem about being sick. I am sick right now... winter is getting to me. But dont worry, I'm taking lots of VITAMINS! haha.
    Now on to your poem. I really liked the central ideas and how you worded some of it. But I have a few suggestions, I hope you don't mind.

    Love!
    Maybe changed to:
    Love; or Love: Just a thought, Love! Sounds so airy and light, and it contradicts the tone and theme of the poem.

    Have you, ever loved a love unrequited.
    Just the thought of this "love"
    makes the fires of hell burn within my soul.

    I really like this part, but first you are talking about how "you" (another person) feels, and then you change it to how "my" (you) feel.
    Maybe try:

    Have you ever loved a love unrequited;
    and just the thought of this "love"
    makes the fires of hell burn within your soul.
    ?

    Hatred for all that walk's and moves awakened within me.
    Maybe changed to:
    Hatred for all that walks and moves are aroused from within
    ?

    Say it will fade away (I know I will but,
    as I returned to that place today, that place, where my heart was broken where my soul taken, and leaving me feeing like nothing but a token.

    In this part, theres just a bit of over punctuation, which is ALOT better than not enough. Im glad you took the time to put it in there. It shows you take pride in your work
    Maybe:
    Say it will fade away -I know I will,- but
    as I returned to that place today; a place
    where my heart was broken and my soul taken, has left me feeing like nothing but a token.
    ?
    The pain emerged as strong as the day your truth was finally spoken..
    One day I will feel not that pain but for now speak not of love.

    maybe:
    One day I will feel no more pain, but for now speak not of love.
    I loved in this line, the last few words that brought it all together so nicely.
    "But for now speak not of love."
    It has a hint of frustration, and I'm sure many people have felt like that.
    Overall very good work!
    I hope your not offended by my suggestions or anything..
    Good luck!
    xoxo
    -Andrya
    | Posted on 2004-12-13 00:00:00 | by andrya | [ Reply to This ]



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