Hello Sunrise by SuperEdgar

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Submission Name: Hello Sunrise dots

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Author:	SuperEdgar
ASL Info:	17/M/
Elite Ratio:	3.02 - 61/65/30
Words:	120

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	375
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	732

Description:

Hello Sunrise dots

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Here comes the sunrise,
but I see sadness in your eyes
I see through your shell that tells those lies

The sun rose
go put on your evening clothes
I want to take a picture in which you do not pose

Brisk morning breeze
It brings me to my knees
I want to know who you are, don't be a tease

The wind is cold
let me peak into your soul
let me see how years of hurt has taken it's toll

Wake up yawn
what happened at the places you've gone
your face reminds me of the dawn

Sunrise, sunrise
there's still sadness in your eyes
when your sorrow leaves mine dies

Submitted on 2004-12-12 03:51:51 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Oh wow. I've never read anything quite like that. The ryme scheme is new and fresh and I'm sure it's been done before but I've never read one written so well. It was like a cool breeze on my face. I don't know how you acheived that but God it was great. I really liked the lines:

The sun rose
go put on your evening clothes
I want to take a picture in which you do not pose

Wake up yawn
what happened at the places you've gone
your face reminds me of the dawn

And the way you ended it was my most favorite part.

Sunrise, sunrise
there's still sadness in your eyes
when your sorrow leaves mine dies

I really like this one. It's suited for your featured work. Thank you for sharing something so beautiful.
| Posted on 2007-06-11 00:00:00 | by Raineyes | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoy rhyme and felt you captured lots of feeling in this poem. If you are considering any revisions, I'd make a couple suggestions on the following part.

"The sun has rose
go put on your evening clothes
I want to a picture in which you do not pose"

Since "has rose" should be "has risen," perhaps you could just drop the "has" to make it grammatically correct.

There appears to be a word missing in the third line between "to" and "a." I won't suggest a word because you probably could better say what you had in mind.

I see lots of potential in your writing and hope to read more from you!

Smiles, Sharon
| Posted on 2007-04-05 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]
  i like this, so many people put on their front of happiness while they are pretty much withering away inside. it's so nice to meet someone who brings out that happier person you want to be. i love when i find someone with whom makes me smile at the sound of their voice or just by saying their name. this was a great write**
| Posted on 2004-12-12 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
  Lovely piece of writing here. Very enjoyable. There is something about watching the sun rise that is just so inspiring to poets everywhere. You pulled off the analogy really well. I didn't mind the rhyming too much. I liked it. The last stanza worked really well and ended the piece really well:

'Sunrise, sunrise
there's still sadness in your eyes
when your sorrow leaves mine dies'

I loved this ending and the whole poems. Thanx for your words.

=Jimma=
| Posted on 2004-12-12 00:00:00 | by Jimma | [ Reply to This ]
  ive not seen you round for the longest time (be it because you have not been here or ive been blind... either way good too see you again!)
the first and last stanza's work for me... the rest work but the rhyming scheme feels a lil forced in some of them...
i like the idea of watching the sun rise for the first time... it is such an exhilirating experience... makes you realise you are alive i think...
learning to live a facade free life is one of life's greatest challenges... good luck
| Posted on 2004-12-12 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  a very calm and relieving piece , you did a wonderful job :) very simple , pure and relieving and making the one looking and wondering and imagining bout alot of sceneries , and also makes u remember alot of things and also a refreshing poem , well done :)
| Posted on 2004-12-12 00:00:00 | by Tarek Refaat | [ Reply to This ]

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