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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Alicedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sugar-n-spice
    Elite Ratio:    4.43 - 55/49/8
    Words: 28
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 783
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 177



    Description:
       The beginning of a longer poem or just an idea I had about an elusive muse...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAlicedots
    -------------------------------------------


    She came with the spring
    and left a row of footprints
    so faded in the muddy remains
    that no-one could remember
    the wistful lines of her song.




    Submitted on 2004-12-12 11:39:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Is the horse named Alice cause if it is then the Smug One knows that horses don't sing all that great. Which leads me to believe that the people purposely forced out the memory of a horses horrible voice binging off each sides of their mind...Did the horse also have a set of feet instead of hooves cause if so then I would like to see that picture.
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by Smug_Doug | [ Reply to This ]
      Short and presented several vivid ideas across my mind. Brought to an end rather successfully and I liked that most of all. great job and take care.

    -Geremy-
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by Geremy Smith | [ Reply to This ]
      great ideas that came to an end too soon but i can still visualize their potential significance and that means that your poem is a successfully written and presented one.good luck and fare well.
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by sickly | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good. It reminds me of the translations of Chinese poems that I read. I don't think you need to add to this at all. It's perfect minimalism as it stands.
    | Posted on 2004-12-12 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Simply beautiful. There's really no other way to describe this piece. It was so short, yet each line said more than some poems can say in two pages. Personally, I don't think you have to expand on this. I loved the last line, and I think it left this just right. The only thing I might change though, it possible adding punctuation. Other than that, this was a really wonderful piece. keep up the fantastic work!
    | Posted on 2004-12-12 00:00:00 | by Babysweet56 | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds a little bittersweet, but pretty all the same. I won't tell you to make it longer, because it's your poem. If you wrote it for yourself, then write it the way you want to. If not, well my advice is to make it longer. The deeper it is the more of you we see.

    It's a good start. Nice job.

    {Katie}
    | Posted on 2004-12-12 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ]
      Very sweet indeed, written with style.

    My only suggestion would to change the one line to something like:now only faded mud prints remains.

    It does work the way you wrote it, its my suggestion to improve it.

    keep writing
    | Posted on 2004-12-12 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there. Beautiful and simple. I like it. I don't have any corrections or suggestions for ya. Seems to me that this piece is full of potential. I'd love to see it if you add to it as you said you might. Anyhoo...much love to ya. :-)

    Happy Holidays!
    | Posted on 2004-12-12 00:00:00 | by Juliets_dagger | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, everyone loves a good mystery. This poem works on its own but it could also be a lead into a good story. It's a dilemma, what to do, what to do? This left an impression as it is, and I don't know which would be the greater shame. Not to develop it further, or to go into it and reveal more about it. I have no clue what I'd do.

    'Like the story that we wish was never ending
    We know some time we must reach the final page
    Still we carry on just pretending
    That there'll always be one more day to go

    Far away, away, fading distant lights
    Leaving us all behind, lost in a changing world
    And you know that these are the days of our lives, remember"
    -Genesis "Fading Lights"
    | Posted on 2005-03-02 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]


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    37202

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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