Contradiction
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Contradiction
The radiant sun spills its light onto me. Listening to the waves make friends with the shore, becoming so serene it haunts me. Reeling in thoughts. Days pass and I see the error in my ways. I have become the hatred to dispell. The sun is covered in clouds, and the sound of the water becomes hypnotic. I hate the sun, burns me to my soul. The soil stains. The beauty of this earth just isn't enough. I want more. More. More. Drugs to lift me to God. Money to feel so whole. To wallow in sin and profess it is a good deed. So happy with unhappiness. Need to be happy. Pure. Dirty with this lie. I am a living contradiction. |
Submitted on 2004-12-13 05:26:34 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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I let the radiant sun spill down it's light onto me. Heh, I might be wrong in saying this, because I do need to brush up on my punctuation, but I believe it's should be its. I'm not sure though.I want to wallow in sin and profess it's good deed. I think you meant to say I want to wallow in sin, and profess it's a good deed. Add a in between it's and good.Now, there were just a couple of things in this poem that I thought you could improve upon. The first was thte form. Yes this is a free verse piece, but I thought that the first half could be trimmed down a bit, allow for me to explain. I let the radiant sun spill down it's light onto me. I listen to the waves make friends with the shores. I become so serene it haunts me. Then I start to reel in my thoughts, days pass and I see the error in my ways. I have become the hatred I dispell. The sun is covered in clouds, and the sound of the water becomes hypnotic. I hate the sun, burns me to my soul. The lovely flowers sicken me. The beauty of this earth just isn't enough. Now, as you can see, the lines are quite long. One reason for this is that you prequalify almost each line that you have written, allow me to explain.I let the radiant sun spill down it's light onto me. I listen to the waves make friends with the shores. I become so serene it haunts me. Then I start to reel in my thoughts, days pass and I see the error in my ways. You say that "I let", "I see", "I start", "I reel", "I listen". These are called prequalifiers. ONe way to eliminate these from your poetry would be to do the following.Say letting, seeing, starting, reeling, listening. By doing these, you have already indicated in your lines that these things are occuring to you, so by changing to these, they would have more of a poetic characteristic, compared to the former. Also, this would eliminate some large amount of repitition in your poem. You say I a lot. I want drugs to lift me to God. I want money to feel so whole. I want to wallow in sin and profess it's good deed. I am happy with unhappiness. All I want is to be happy. I am pure. I am dirty with this lie. I am a living contradiction. If you see what I am saying. I is a prequlifier, so instead of saying I am pure, you could say something like my whole is purified, or something to that effect.The title was the other thing that I worried about. A poem without a name, is just like a Child without a Past. Or one without a face. You should title this sometime, my friend. I hope that I was able to assist you in some way, and I hope that this comment is taken in a positive light, and that I am not lashed out at  , as I have done to some. Take Care.  "Loquacious Mind"  | Posted on 2004-12-13 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ] | I like it okay, but it needs some work. Go through and make some interesting alterations in the way the lines are broken up (look at jdinnings67's work for some ideas) and I would make it third person instead of first person. Doing those things will really bring out the originality of your poem. Other than that, I really liked it. You've got talent. I loved the line about the sun spilling; that's one of my favorite phrases to use too. Keep it up, and welcome to the site. | -Secret | Posted on 2004-12-13 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ] | |
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