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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Slutdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: moaxcym
    ASL Info:    23/m/Pakistan
    Elite Ratio:    2.87 - 155/196/85
    Words: 50
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1049
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 332



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSlutdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She saw me in a dream,
    standing along with a slut,
    In colours black and white;
    preaching desire and lust.
    She let go my hand,
    Near the wake of dusk.
    With contempt I've never known
    For me and that slut.
    She abandoned me, without realizing
    That Slut was her.




    Submitted on 2004-12-13 13:08:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey OLD pal of mine!

    Nice slut... OH! i mean nice butt... DAMN!

    The poem's good, I like the twist at the end, you could've tried "That slut was me!", at least i would've liked it better.

    -Sohaib
    | Posted on 2004-12-14 00:00:00 | by onehappypaki | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, I don't see this as you hating what she did you as much as her hating what she allowed herself to do, without realizing what she had done. But she didn't see herself as the problem, yet she held comtempt for you and "the slut", without realizing she was a part of the problem, and her actions had caused you to become what she grew to hate. I think you are very wise to realize that it wasn't you she hated when she left, it was what she had done, and who she had become, and although she didn't realize it, you did. When she left, she felt she was leaving her old "slutty" way behind, as well as you, because perhaps she felt you made her that way. I don't think you wrote this piece to say how you feel about her, because there are really no indications of your feelings in this piece, other than that you use the term "slut". But "slut" explained what she felt she was when she was with you.

    This short and to the point piece says so much despite its word count. I appreciate it when you called it a dream, because that's probably what it felt like, something not real. And I like the black and white reference: right and wrong, good and evil, obvious, plain. It sounds to me like you are very perceptive. And why can I understand it so well? Experience.

    Thank you for posting this piece.
    | Posted on 2004-12-13 00:00:00 | by eener | [ Reply to This ]
      I think "She let go my hand" should be "She let go of my hand"

    I don't know why I'm not sold on this one. Maybe it's the repetition of the word "slut" that mucks up the image and leaves me feeling like I have dirt on my eyes.

    I guess that it supposed to feel unclean, but I feel that it could have been written a little better. When writing a minimalist piece, you have to pack as much meaning as possible into each word. Repetition here doesn't work well.

    Just my opinion, but I'd say reword it to stick with the minimalist approach, or elaborate on the topic and make it a little longer.
    | Posted on 2004-12-13 00:00:00 | by Kristina9178 | [ Reply to This ]
      nice piece, seems directly meant for someone here to read and be insulted by, very comedic, good read and amusing. i hope you got your point across to the person it is meant for. this is a nice piece for the person you meant if for, is sounds like a dream, or dream images..
    it takes me to a land of absinthe and [censored]s... lol thank you -sinmore
    | Posted on 2004-12-13 00:00:00 | by sinmore | [ Reply to This ]
      nice piece, seems directly meant for someone here to read and be insulted by, very comedic, good read and amusing. i hope you got your point across to the person it is meant for. this is a nice piece for the person you meant if for, is sounds like a dream, or dream images..
    it takes me to a land of absinthe and [censored]s... lol thank you -sinmore
    | Posted on 2004-12-13 00:00:00 | by sinmore | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a good poem but the wording was a little harsh. For instance you could have used the word slut at the end so it would make the poem more of a suspense so people would wonder who you were talking about.Sorry if you feel that I am talking bad about you I am not.But you do not have to take my opinion in consideration.
    | Posted on 2004-12-13 00:00:00 | by shombray | [ Reply to This ]
      OUCH! That had to hurt. Well, this was a different kind of poem. I liked it. It was a bit dirty yet funny. I can't imagine what inspired you to write this or what the story is behind it. I don't really think I want to know. Well, I guess that some females don't see what their flaws are. You did a good job of pointing hers out.

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2004-12-13 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]


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