burn this way by blueorchids

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Submission Name: burn this way dots

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Author:	blueorchids
ASL Info:	26/F/California
Elite Ratio:	6.35 - 1068/924/91
Words:	80

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	682
Average Vote:	4.5000
Bytes:	556

Description:
the streetlamps dimming one by one as i drove by one night.

thoughts as always, lovelies.

EDITED: for suggestions.

burn this way dots

-------------------------------------------

amber fades to ebony,
these streetlamps -
one by one from
bright
to
dim
to
nothingness;
their stale abandonment
is a perversion of yours.

they fall prey to slumber the way
gossipers consume
malicious whispers,
their parasitic enjoyment sucked
from the room as you enter,
on display as a
celebrated oddity
in a three penny show.

but you don't mind; the
warmth
is what you come here for.

Submitted on 2004-12-13 22:51:23 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  O.K. I guess I don't need to say that you've got a good one here. Yes, many have said how brilliant this is, and they are not wrong. The comparisons are terrific, lamps and gossipers, fading and abandonment. But I see some things that you should consider:

L1 "fading" - Perhaps "fades" would be stronger. I always try to avoid the "ing" form of words.

S2 Keep the comparison on an even keel; "fall prey to slumber" and "the way malicious whispers are consumed by gossipers." By doing this you can clear up whatever confusion occurs with "they" and just who you mean by it, so that after gossiprs you can say, "whose parasitic enjoyment..."

Closing - Not on a preposition, no. "but you don't mind / what you came for / is the warmth." Something like that. It's important to end on a key word.

Phil
| Posted on 2008-04-04 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  Brilliant.

I really never have much to say about why I think so with your pieces, but I'll try this time.

I think you capture etherealness, a mood, a quick whip of thought suspended. It's all very visceral and abstract yet very relatable and sense-inducing in all aspects of that word.

To me, there seems to be a million emotions simmering; the title implies warmth and inner destruction to me... malicious whispers burn, but so does inner passion and confidence in oneself displayed confidently yet nonchalantly.

I have one tiny nit for you to consider: reducing "fading" simply to "fade" to make it more direct and present-tense, I guess. That's all I can think of.

Otherwise, just brilliant, truly.

Jase
| Posted on 2008-04-03 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  A curious and most lovely piece of poetry, at first seeming whimsical, and than ending somewhat sadly--a fine write! bravo... bravo... bravo...
| Posted on 2008-03-28 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
  Excellent piece. I really like your writing style. It is quite impressive. This piece is short yet effective. I enjoyed reading it. Great work!

Keep writing!
-Kamerin
| Posted on 2007-01-11 00:00:00 | by Kamerin Brown | [ Reply to This ]
  You portray such mood in your poems, it truly is amazing to me. When I read your poem I can begin to see visions of what your describing and that doesn't always come to me as I read poetry.

they fall prey to slumber the way
gossipers consume
malicious whispers,
their parasitic enjoyment sucked
from the room as you enter,

These lines are very vivid and the metaphor just brilliant! I have to say this is going down as another one of my favorite pieces and you are becoming a favorite of mine! Keep it up!

Eddie
| Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by ERA | [ Reply to This ]
  So much mystery is wrapped up in this piece...what were you really thinking? I find it hard to believe that the first line in the poem (or even the first 'stanza') has little if anything at all to do with the rest of the poem. Or atleast, theres no real coherence here for the reader to see; and i say that just because im so intrigued by the first line (often the catalyst in most all of my poems, they can wander on from there for me) and the next several that follow. The form is beautiful-it rushes along with the mood a dimming atmosphere might have on you. The color amber as well, like others have sort of noted, gives the poem a feeling of softness, of warmth, and then it seems that something completely dissimilar emerges thereafter. From the readers stand point, the introduction of a person in the first paragraph also kind of threw me off, and sort of, what i think derails the feeling of you and the earth, and the material world through the words in the poem sort of feeling, and brought it to a 'reader and the characters' theres no real insight as to what the character (later becoming characterS in the next stanza) has to do with the beginning of the poem. On to what i LOVED about the poem. There's genius in the first few lines here, the way the poems form is in harmony with the situation in the poem, it's just brilliant. Form can say alot more than words can sometimes, and it just fits. i think theres two different poems going on here--both screaming to be seperated and completed. But hell, what do i know? Just a critique from someone with a computer- I'm excited to read more of your work.

key wester
| Posted on 2005-09-23 00:00:00 | by Key Wester | [ Reply to This ]
  God you end well. I can forget any problems a poem has if it closes well. You always close powerfully and I love it. Your titles are always inspiring and this one is no different. It's a beautiful image, streetlights slowly dimming and burning out. Everyone is looking for warmth from one place or another and finding it on a cold, lonely street is the epitome of ironic. Fabulous piece.

drowning_queen
| Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ]
  sooner or later a poem will end...that one ended better than most.

the ending of a poem can really hit you hard or leave you blank..

as i sat there blank i loved how it hit me so damn hard
| Posted on 2005-07-04 00:00:00 | by happy | [ Reply to This ]
  wow truly enticing poem, just a few words but grabs me in and causing me to stare at it reading it over and over again, trying to catch every hidden meaning. I doubt I have gotten them all. I love your work, but I rarely see a new poem by you, so I though I'd see a few since I have nothing better to do, of course I'm a n00b...so that might explain it, but beautiful work, leaves me in awe!

**I.N.D.E.L.I.B.L.E._I.N.K.**
| Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Indelible_ink | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this, although I am partial to a more straight forward poem. I like metaphors, but I felt it was a little over done. The rhythm was ok. I liked the content. It is difficult to critique poetry, It's very personal.
| Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
  i'm not sure about this one.. it seemed overdone in places. the metaphor of the lights, abandonment tasted so bitter.. i guess jaded love will do that, or maybe i just applied this too much to me. the end is really good, like a deep sigh.
| Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by wilderness | [ Reply to This ]
  I have come back several times to this piece since you posted it, it compells me, draws me like a night butterfly to it's odd light in the darkness.I sense whole heartedly someone who is an "outcast", -literally cast out-from the " light" , which I read as approval, acceptance, perhaps love and /or loss.There is a haunting melancholy here- re-inforced by the last lines of the first stanza .
"their stale abandonment
is a perversion of yours"
The lights are people , family, friends, neighbors,people who one by one have deserted someone, or perhaps strangers who never took the time to get to know him, but marked him right away as "different" ; but oddly, he seems to take some cold comfort in this,-being alone, and without the glow (fire. love. warmth) of the lights; you describe this as a perversion, -something this person enjoys.I can totally relate to that, -where by chance or by choice your world shrinks and you are on your own,-it can be devastating, or oddly satisfying, that aloneness. Certainly some (if not most) would think this eccentric at the least, if not sinister . This "perversion" would make many uncomfortable ,-they wouldn't understand how someone can exist outside that amber-hued world..

I really liked that thought, I have often seen this ostracizing of someone "different" , and especially when it's by people who know nothing about the individual, except-he is not one of "them". I have befriended over time ,several of these "odd-balls" (ie. in others'eyes) and have been rewarded with the lasting friendship of some very talented, creative and beautiful people,-diamonds in the rough I guess.When we will ever learn to look beyond the surface, -were it not for the "fringe" , this world could be a life sentence of uniformity, a bland diet of conformity and mediocre, generic relationships and lobotomized passions. Ugh.!
The second stanza says to me there is a quirky strength here, -this person knows that he is a "freak", outcast, -abnormal somehow in the eyes of these others, and that his appearance , for a few minutes, stills those tongues, and focuses all eyes (attention) on his presence.You are saying that he enjoys this "warmth" , (their silent aversion) and observes " their parasitic enjoyment sucked from the room "-as he enters. The image suggests the shining of light on worms or maggots and watching them scramble to the darkness, -here you say ,contrarily, that their malicious gossip comes to a halt, as your (perceived) unsavory self sends their nasty words scurrying for cover. This stanza is like that bumper sticker :Don't let the turkeys get You Down" (on the back of gawky cygnet)

I like the short final stanza, it echoes the "perversion" of the first with the parting shot ,-
"the
warmth
is what you come here for."
Those lines reminded me of lines from a poem I wrote on my birthday, while feeling a lot like the victim in your poem -it was the "scene" where the candlle burned out at her lonely table in a dark corner booth in a bar -"I welcome darkness to my table-for darkness' comfort's all I know"
I may not be expressing this well, but I certainly feel a sense of abandonment and melancholy here, but also a pride and self-knowledge that allows the "outcast" to move through his life despite the alienation by the others. There are lots of us who don't mind the dark, and don't need artificial light to show us the way.
Sorry this comment rambles on so, but I keep going back to reread bits, and other thoughts come to mind.You DID ask for "thoughts" and i thought-a lot about this, i swear at least 15 of those page views are from moi! I guess I could have just said ,":I can relate-"-
but no I couldn't do that could I?
Silver
| Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  Interesting. It's almost as if all the streetlamps are malicious gossipers and the person you're discussing cares nothing about you but only your body. . . I dunno, but that's what I got out of it. I loved the first part, before the stale abandonment part. . . I was thinking it was going to be a happy poem but it turned up sad . . . and that made me sad. Oh well. We can't all be perky like me. . . like I'm perky. . . sigh.
-Secret
| Posted on 2004-12-21 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]
  The phrasing in this poem makes me sit up and take notice...it's definitely powerful, crisp and fresh. I'm not sure I got the end though....the "warmth" he came for...did he come for that to turn it into nothingness? At the start of the poem I felt like he had already done that to her, so I'm not clear as to why he's returned? Could be that I'm just missing the boat. Despite that question I still loved reading and commenting on your poem and look forward to reading more of your work. It's not always that I'm so lucky (~_^) Thanks Daniel
| Posted on 2004-12-20 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  Did you find the warmth?
And did you think of abandonment when you drove under them, or was that a thought that came later, thinking back...

There is a street lamp out in front of my mother's house. Since i was a kid, it has had a going out problem. Every hour or so, it would do as you described, going from bright, then dim, and then out. It still does this to this day (fantastic light companies we have here in Atlanta) And had i not stood out in the street so many nights in my younger days, i wouldn't of noticed....not only did the light go out, but also the power...no more buzzing (which i never noticed when it was on). It was quiet and dark for all of 10 minutes in my neighborhood in the city, which just never happens...

And i felt hidden, but more so, free....Like if i wasn't on display, i could do whatever i chose (not that i did much more than enjoying sitting in the dark)...i'm not sure if this is the reason, but i still hate sitting outside in the light...me and my roomate have an ongoing battle when we go outside to smoke...he always turns the porch light on, i always turn it off....I like being away from it...

Anyways, i'm sorry to leave you such a rambling comment, but it just kind of hit me like that. I don't think i read this pre-edited. I like the feeling of walking into the room at that moment, of walking under the lights bright then cold, warm then gone....But you can still feel it....even warmer in the dark.....

James
| Posted on 2004-12-18 00:00:00 | by FallenGrace | [ Reply to This ]
  Ah, yes! Shine for a moment (we all get our 15 minutes), be a topic of conversation, though malicious, and then fade into the night. This is life! And the warmth is love? I really like this.
Stanza 1 causes us to see the lights going on and off. Stanza 2 is our time in the light, a central attraction (but why oddity?), and Stanza 3 is a statement of principle, what keeps us going. I love it! I can feel its warmth!

Phil
| Posted on 2004-12-16 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  I always watched the lamps do that as I passed them in the car. There's something about the rhythm. It's very soothing.
This piece comes across in a similar way. The words aren't angry, more... resigned. A kind of muted understanding and acceptance.
The stale abandoning... that was a bit odd, that line. Just a hint of malice beneath those words there... perversion is harsh and sounds repressed. Nothing wrong with that, though, it adds another layer of emotion into this.

I think the second stanza is really fabulous, though. The streetlamps flicker brightly for a moment until they are passed and vanish into the night. Tying that to the gossipers was quite inspired... there's a feeling of a vacuum in this that just sucks things up.
The oddity, too... that seems quite cruel, to compare an injured party to a sideshow attraction. It's just something of a victimised feel there and the whole write over all is quite heavy and sombre, much like the sticky orange light of the lampposts.
well done, I like this too
| Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
  more lower case, smog-enwrapped atmospherics.
and always that plaintiveness that underpins your story.
come into the light be in the light go out of the light - something for everyone and what I like is the construction.
Each line says something as the whole emerges.
An unusual metaphor for the power of outside influence on the unwary, the wanting or the naive. And the uncommon nature of serial commitment to those that are incapable of giving anything other than a spell in the spotlight - where actually, it's quite cold...

Whatever:

as amber fades to ebony,
these streetlamps -
one by one go,
from bright
to
dim
to
nothingness;
their stale abandonment
a perversion shared by you.

they fall prey to slumber
the way gossips consume
vicious whispers,
their parasitic enjoyment sucked
from the room as you enter,
on display as a
celebrated oddity
in a three penny show.

but you don't mind;
for warmth
is what you come here for.

Always provocative.
Later,
K
| Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  I came back to read this again because it seemed so perfect, and my comment was on the original. I like the first verse, except I would use,"then nothingness", but the line presentation adds to the image and how it's received. The other stanzas I really liked as they were before the edit. It doesn't seem to resonate or carry the impact as well as before. If you've been critiqued on rhythm and flow, these aspects worked perfectly in the original form. thanks for sharing,
Nan
| Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, it's good to see you writing. It's a stark and nearly stifling message, this poem takes my breath away. I love the metaphor of streetlights being snuffed by gossip. It's one of things I detest, gossip, there's too much life going on to worry what others do. To choose anything I like, would have to include the entire poem, all of it's magnificent. It's so good to read your work. Thanks for sharing your bright talent,
nansofast
| Posted on 2004-12-14 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  Interesting... my first impression was one of peace, but a lot of the imagery is quite sinister... I like the ending. It feels hushed; a quiet poem. Becky
| Posted on 2004-12-14 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
  this is really really good, the rhyming of consume and room just made the smile come out that was building up to that point. I don't usually get technical but the word choice in this is just about perfect and very atmospheric. i love it.
| Posted on 2004-12-14 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
  nice piece! good stuff. i enjoyed it thoroughly. i like your style very much. i think you may like mine somewhat as well, though it doesn't compare to your writing. i think you should check it out. i loved the darkness of it and the uniqueness of it. it is a road less traveled and that is a very good thing..

thank you, sincerely, -sinmore
| Posted on 2004-12-14 00:00:00 | by sinmore | [ Reply to This ]
  an inspired piece. best thing i've read today. ..."parasitic enjoyment sucked"..."celebrated oddity"...just fresh. Liked the way you draw a parallel between street lamps and the "you" in the poem. love the lonesome feeling I get in the reading and the last line is great. the desire for "warmth" when it is the thing seemingly being snuffed out in the course of the piece. good stuff.
| Posted on 2004-12-14 00:00:00 | by Jemma Dumptruck | [ Reply to This ]
  it captures those long drives home by yourself. lost in deep thought and disecting everything we can't help but depress ourselves. i really liked it. the best line was the first however. its a beautiful described thought.
| Posted on 2004-12-13 00:00:00 | by Butterfly Bullets | [ Reply to This ]
  Great poem. I really liked it.

"they fall prey to slumber the way
gossipers consume
malicious whispers,"

That was my favorite part. You really have talent, and it shows in this piece. To me, I felt like I was wondering in somebody's thoughts. Kool... anyway, good job.
| Posted on 2004-12-13 00:00:00 | by Holy Wood | [ Reply to This ]
  good job I liked it. It was enticing and hard to understand but some of the best poems are the ones where you have to read over and over to understand its meaning because we usually just skim poems and the meaning comes in our mind. Like in shakesphere's Romeo and Juliet I loved the part when they say Dreams are the brains of idle children or something like that I dont exactly remember lol but it had alot of meaning.
| Posted on 2005-06-27 00:00:00 | by winterdove | [ Reply to This ]

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