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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Unread Letterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Geremy Smith
    ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171/145/23
    Words: 372
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1515
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2258



    Description:
       The basic story of a guy losing a girl he had been everything except unfaithful to...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnread Letterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It felt like I had been through this once before
    The car rolling, lights turned off
    Coming to a stop at your front door
    I laid the seat back and stared at your bedroom window
    Images of you running to me
    Thinking of how we used to be

    That park bench creaked and you told me you loved me
    I wrapped my arms around you to say the vows back
    ----as that sunny day faded to black
    Funny though how it's so hard when you cry
    ----so hard to decipher a lie

    So I sit in the car and write this...

    It seems like all my life I've been looking for an answer
    Remember that day you said, "I love you?"
    I hadn't realized then you were an uncurable cancer
    You know I loved you just the same
    Yet you threw me down in a gutter of shame
    My door is always open
    And I don't know why
    ----but I just can't lie
    I'm wanting you back more than anything
    All you've given me is the cold shoulder
    It's so hard to turn from you
    ----even roll over...

    As the pen hit the floor
    I glanced back to your house
    Hoping you would come running out that front door
    You've got my heart in there
    It's slowly suffocating me
    ----and I need some air

    You act as if you can't see
    Exactly what you've done to me
    But I was honest with you the whole way through
    And you were so untrue

    So I grab the pen to finish this...

    ...It hurts when all I can do
    ----is think about you
    Like a thron in my side
    I just can't get you out
    Sleepless nights I try to hide
    Away from the painful memories
    It was so hard to leave
    But you made it look so easy
    This is all I have to write
    I'll do my best to move on
    Without you in my life

    That note never made it to her eyes
    He drove off still stained with her lies
    It was so hard to understand
    Yet the silence was spoken
    ----and left unbroken
    This was the biggest mistake of his life.




    Submitted on 2004-12-15 09:31:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Cool, has this happened to you before? jk, the old tale of I love you but you don't love me back, even though i have heard it a million times i love the poem, it's kinda weird that the roles are backwards the guy to girl not girl to guy but you are a guy, so i'm guessing your writeing it from a guys point of view, but overall it was awesome
    | Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by Fadingperson | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this write. Overall I felt the angst of the being lied to. I understand the feeling behind it and I feel you did a good job. My only dislikes are the line "like a thorn in my side" (I just don't think this metaphor sits right)
    And, changing to first person at the end.
    "This was the biggest mistake of his life" It seems to me that his real mistake was believing her as she lied to him?
    Favorite line:
    hadn't realized then you were an uncurable cancer
    What a great metaphor.
    | Posted on 2004-12-24 00:00:00 | by blood heart | [ Reply to This ]
      :) You are a very honest person, and i think that you write very well. yes it is annoying when guys are afraid to show feelings. I think, though, that you should change one small thing-

    That note never made it to her eyes
    He drove off still stained with her lies
    It was so hard to understand
    Yet the silence was spoken
    -and left unbroken
    This was the biggest mistake of his life.

    the rest of the poem is in first person- why change it htere. I know its up to personal opinion, but i dont understand it. Of course im also close minded, so if you could just explain...
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by thesacredone | [ Reply to This ]
      Too forget we were young once and having these same raw loving pains is so wrong to forget. Because the first rule of writing poetry is willing to put your feelings good or bad on paper, the art of is making it readable,enjoyable and a lasting memory of you wrote.

    Yes, I do think you added more drama then needed in this piece.

    My friend Loquacious is a master, so take his advice and mixed with your thoughts and feeling, and I guarantee your next poem will be better.

    Where my skills come in are different than my friend so here's my suggestion on your poem.

    Make the pain more realistic with solid new metaphors of your own.
    write about the lost in an endearing way with a sense of vulnerability and responsibility.

    Learn from Lincoln Gettysburg address, where the man who spoke before him, talked for 4 hours and nobody remember his name ,much what he talked about. Though Lincoln great speech was only 272 words and we all know about to this day. One funny note, it has a lots of grammar errors in it,lol

    welcome to elite

    One more thing; Please go and read the quote on my page and it should help understand more of what writing is all about.

    I haven't forgot I was young and that I grew with my skills as I age, you are very Young, don't give up.

    And if you ever need help,just ask me and I am quite sure my friend will gladly help.
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this poem was great. I think that the point of poetry to is express how you feel...no matter how cliché it is. I don't think that there is a subject in the world that isn't cliché. No one feels anything alone ... dmm ... Instead of reading what it means ... read what it says.

    "Hoping you would come running out that front door
    You've got my heart in there"

    That was my favorite line. Everything the piece means is right there in those two lines.

    I agree with Tiffeni. It's hard to find a guy who will express emotion. It's not cool guys to be a hard ass all the time ... it's actually quite annoying.

    Anyway, good job!

    Still

    P.S. I would take the "blubbering idiot" back. ;)
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by StillimCold | [ Reply to This ]
      I really wish I could be more sympathetic to this subject matter but I'm sorry, no can do. No matter how well this is written (It ain't bad) Listening to young boys spill their guts after being dumped is like listening to someone go on about how nice flowers smell. Yeah, yeah we get it. Why didn't I and why don't boys now understand that the best way to get that girl interested again, if that's what they want, is to go on with life. No chick wants that blubbering idiot back. Oh well sorry I'm getting crazy on you. Perhaps your next piece will be of the wonders and beauty of your new love.
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]
      Heh...wow, quite the read I must say. Personally, I thought that this was a bit long, but that is for my tastes only.

    Well, I thought that a bit could have been done with thise piece. I thought that by shortening some of the lines, that the form could have been moade to be more pleasing to the eye than it is now. Some of the lines seemed over-extended, and when taking a look at this piece as a whole, some of the lines are extended further than others. Just a suggestion. It doesn't matter much though.

    For example:
    -
    It seems like all my life I've been looking for an answer
    Remember that day you said, "I love you?"
    I hadn't realized then you were an uncurable cancer
    You know I loved you just the same
    Yet you threw me down in a gutter of shame
    My door is always open
    And I don't know why
    -but I just can't lie
    I'm wanting you back more than anything
    All you've given me is the cold shoulder
    It's so hard to turn from you
    -even roll over...

    in comparison to...
    -
    ...It hurts when all I can do
    -is think about you
    Like a thron in my side
    I just can't get you out
    Sleepless nights I try to hide
    Away from the painful memories
    It was so hard to leave
    But you made it look so easy
    This is all I have to write
    I'll do my best to move on
    Without you in my life

    This stanza was much slimmer. Just a suggestion. The poem, if both aesthetically pleasing, and lyrically scintillating, will enchant or enthrall the reader, and sweep them along, but if either of these is out of balance, then . Take Care.

    "Loquacious Mind"
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
      This was soooo good I loved it it had a sense of rhythm and senseiblity all combineded together it was a nice write and I am going to check out more of your writes b/c if they are as good as this one I want to take the time to read them. -k-
    -Christina
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by POETRY | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh and welcome to the site my name is christina people call me babyface and my username is POETRY well I saw your picture up there you pretty cute that is you right j/k I dont think you would have a picture o a different guy hopefully wel keep in touch b/c I like your writes.
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by POETRY | [ Reply to This ]
      As the pen hit the floor
    I glanced back to your house
    Hoping you would come running out that front door
    You've got my heart in there
    It's slowly suffocating me
    -and I need some air


    Those lines made me stop and go, "Wow." This whole poem, you could see the guy in the car staring at the window with a female's shadow moving around writing this. The emotions just pouring out of him. I really like this piece. To the favorites.
    ~BCute
    | Posted on 2004-12-18 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    37765

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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