Description: The basic story of a guy losing a girl he had been everything except unfaithful to...
Unread Letter -------------------------------------------
It felt like I had been through this once before
The car rolling, lights turned off
Coming to a stop at your front door
I laid the seat back and stared at your bedroom window
Images of you running to me
Thinking of how we used to be
That park bench creaked and you told me you loved me
I wrapped my arms around you to say the vows back
----as that sunny day faded to black
Funny though how it's so hard when you cry
----so hard to decipher a lie
So I sit in the car and write this...
It seems like all my life I've been looking for an answer
Remember that day you said, "I love you?"
I hadn't realized then you were an uncurable cancer
You know I loved you just the same
Yet you threw me down in a gutter of shame
My door is always open
And I don't know why
----but I just can't lie
I'm wanting you back more than anything
All you've given me is the cold shoulder
It's so hard to turn from you
----even roll over...
As the pen hit the floor
I glanced back to your house
Hoping you would come running out that front door
You've got my heart in there
It's slowly suffocating me
----and I need some air
You act as if you can't see
Exactly what you've done to me
But I was honest with you the whole way through
And you were so untrue
So I grab the pen to finish this...
...It hurts when all I can do
----is think about you
Like a thron in my side
I just can't get you out
Sleepless nights I try to hide
Away from the painful memories
It was so hard to leave
But you made it look so easy
This is all I have to write
I'll do my best to move on
Without you in my life
That note never made it to her eyes
He drove off still stained with her lies
It was so hard to understand
Yet the silence was spoken
----and left unbroken
This was the biggest mistake of his life.
Cool, has this happened to you before? jk, the old tale of I love you but you don't love me back, even though i have heard it a million times i love the poem, it's kinda weird that the roles are backwards the guy to girl not girl to guy but you are a guy, so i'm guessing your writeing it from a guys point of view, but overall it was awesome
I like this write. Overall I felt the angst of the being lied to. I understand the feeling behind it and I feel you did a good job. My only dislikes are the line "like a thorn in my side" (I just don't think this metaphor sits right) And, changing to first person at the end. "This was the biggest mistake of his life" It seems to me that his real mistake was believing her as she lied to him? Favorite line: hadn't realized then you were an uncurable cancer What a great metaphor.
Too forget we were young once and having these same raw loving pains is so wrong to forget. Because the first rule of writing poetry is willing to put your feelings good or bad on paper, the art of is making it readable,enjoyable and a lasting memory of you wrote.
Yes, I do think you added more drama then needed in this piece.
My friend Loquacious is a master, so take his advice and mixed with your thoughts and feeling, and I guarantee your next poem will be better.
Where my skills come in are different than my friend so here's my suggestion on your poem.
Make the pain more realistic with solid new metaphors of your own. write about the lost in an endearing way with a sense of vulnerability and responsibility.
Learn from Lincoln Gettysburg address, where the man who spoke before him, talked for 4 hours and nobody remember his name ,much what he talked about. Though Lincoln great speech was only 272 words and we all know about to this day. One funny note, it has a lots of grammar errors in it,lol
welcome to elite
One more thing; Please go and read the quote on my page and it should help understand more of what writing is all about.
I haven't forgot I was young and that I grew with my skills as I age, you are very Young, don't give up.
And if you ever need help,just ask me and I am quite sure my friend will gladly help.
I thought this poem was great. I think that the point of poetry to is express how you feel...no matter how cliché it is. I don't think that there is a subject in the world that isn't cliché. No one feels anything alone ... dmm ... Instead of reading what it means ... read what it says.
"Hoping you would come running out that front door You've got my heart in there"
That was my favorite line. Everything the piece means is right there in those two lines.
I agree with Tiffeni. It's hard to find a guy who will express emotion. It's not cool guys to be a hard ass all the time ... it's actually quite annoying.
I really wish I could be more sympathetic to this subject matter but I'm sorry, no can do. No matter how well this is written (It ain't bad) Listening to young boys spill their guts after being dumped is like listening to someone go on about how nice flowers smell. Yeah, yeah we get it. Why didn't I and why don't boys now understand that the best way to get that girl interested again, if that's what they want, is to go on with life. No chick wants that blubbering idiot back. Oh well sorry I'm getting crazy on you. Perhaps your next piece will be of the wonders and beauty of your new love.
Heh...wow, quite the read I must say. Personally, I thought that this was a bit long, but that is for my tastes only.
Well, I thought that a bit could have been done with thise piece. I thought that by shortening some of the lines, that the form could have been moade to be more pleasing to the eye than it is now. Some of the lines seemed over-extended, and when taking a look at this piece as a whole, some of the lines are extended further than others. Just a suggestion. It doesn't matter much though.
For example: - It seems like all my life I've been looking for an answer Remember that day you said, "I love you?" I hadn't realized then you were an uncurable cancer You know I loved you just the same Yet you threw me down in a gutter of shame My door is always open And I don't know why -but I just can't lie I'm wanting you back more than anything All you've given me is the cold shoulder It's so hard to turn from you -even roll over...
in comparison to... - ...It hurts when all I can do -is think about you Like a thron in my side I just can't get you out Sleepless nights I try to hide Away from the painful memories It was so hard to leave But you made it look so easy This is all I have to write I'll do my best to move on Without you in my life
This stanza was much slimmer. Just a suggestion. The poem, if both aesthetically pleasing, and lyrically scintillating, will enchant or enthrall the reader, and sweep them along, but if either of these is out of balance, then . Take Care.
This was soooo good I loved it it had a sense of rhythm and senseiblity all combineded together it was a nice write and I am going to check out more of your writes b/c if they are as good as this one I want to take the time to read them. -k- -Christina
Oh and welcome to the site my name is christina people call me babyface and my username is POETRY well I saw your picture up there you pretty cute that is you right j/k I dont think you would have a picture o a different guy hopefully wel keep in touch b/c I like your writes.
As the pen hit the floor I glanced back to your house Hoping you would come running out that front door You've got my heart in there It's slowly suffocating me -and I need some air
Those lines made me stop and go, "Wow." This whole poem, you could see the guy in the car staring at the window with a female's shadow moving around writing this. The emotions just pouring out of him. I really like this piece. To the favorites. ~BCute