Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Splintered Tube of Inkdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Geremy Smith
    ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171/145/23
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1124
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1124



    Description:
       Afraid of being useless, and afraid of letting go of so many lies that you've grown accustomed to. It's the certain security that so many lies can give, leave us unexposed and hidden within.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSplintered Tube of Inkdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Pour a millimeter of ink
    Across this crimped parchment
    -let the black form a paragraph
    Spill across the surface
    (and blot out your eyes)

    It's better to know nothing
    Than to know anything at all

    So my guts continue to spill
    In incraments of a millimeter
    A heart trembles
    -with the thoughts of letting go
    You know I can't do this alone
    But isn't this what I've been doing all along?

    When the right time comes
    I'll open up with these ink eyes
    Staring in desperate despair
    -to white out their lies
    Because maybe I've come to close

    Slit the throat of a lie
    To watch it bleed
    Anything to stop the tonsil's movement
    With all your words...they make no sense

    But you know it makes more sense
    When you turn up your ears
    -and your mouth closed

    Flowing on
    --and on
    ----and on

    Afraid you're getting
    ---to close
    to no performance.




    Submitted on 2004-12-15 09:50:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      you seem a little upset with yourself for continuing to lie and coming so accustome to it. everyone can relate to this which makes adds to its greatness.

    ~Kim
    | Posted on 2004-12-20 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, this is interesting. I like the Emily Dickinson-like dashes, but I'd make each one have at least two hypens because if not, it's just a hyphen. The violent imagery is nice too. I like "Slit the throat of a lie/To watch it bleed" because I REALLY hate lies.
    | Posted on 2004-12-16 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      wow...your poems are so good...really they are. this one is so full of emotion and sadness...comparing your feelings to spilt ink? wow...thats really great...you did a terrific job! like borederlinetears said is absolutely amazing...love it...im stalking you

    Rhaine!
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by Rhaine | [ Reply to This ]
      Your style, as I have just read a second piece of you, is very interesting and different. I like the flow of it. The whole concept involving writing, ink, paper, words really moved well through the piece. Being afraid in life is sometimes the useless thing to do. You know? That's how I feel about it. But I need to practice what I preach because I get scared too. Oh well, very nice write. You have talent.
    -blt
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      You are holding back something sweety, I don't know yet what it is, but you are not letting all your emotions flow onto this page. You are really angery about something. This poem was wonderful, I love the description and the fact that your pain is hiding behind your writen work, it was very emotional but you are still hold something back of yourself. It is almost as if you are wanting to embrace this pain because this is the only truth for you. You know what ever may come what ever lies may be told, the only thing you can hold fast to is this pain. This is only my thought. If you were to let go of this pain and write the words that it would express then that my friend would be a great poem.
    Dana
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the lines:
    "But you know it makes more sense
    When you turn up your ears
    -and your mouth closed".
    Lies are very powerful and ofcourse they cover up but they also devour you if you're not careful and that's what comes through in your poem. The fact that you need to bleed it dry to get rid of it. The sudden change in rhythm at the end is quite effective and brings the poem to a sad and poignant ending. Very well written.
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by sugar-n-spice | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, upset are you? Well, i understand the emotion and i think that theres real truth in your words about lies. heh. Well, keep going and i hope u fell better, :)

    love peace, and chicken grease
    -becca
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by thesacredone | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very insightful piece and I think you've done a great job in getting the message across that lies will eventually catch up with you and might even mean your end if you don't escape from them in time. I like the style you've used although it seems a bit complex - it is very effective for the piece and the overall impact leaves me thinking about lies in general... evocative writing!
    | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    37768

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry