American Drama
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Description:
Twisted plot of a girl leaveing a guy and yet seeming to blame him to maker herself strung so high in glory. Maybe you'll get something else out of it too...I look forward to the comments.
American Drama
I’ll wait around until sunset for your call For you to lie, to say “I love you like nothing else” Seeming to go from sinner to saint in seconds So which is it anyway? And who exactly do you think you are? He called you to get this Is it who I think it is? I bet it is I swear I’ll kill him Oh, I forgot what you said about him “…splintered, but focused still…” Right You’re built from distraction About as good as gold Brilliantly dull, you know In my worst mistakes I had a better friend Than I ever had in the two of you So what is this to you? I traded my life just for your confidence And this is what you pull Just pass the time, to cover you up I attacked my lungs with lies And made boring hours pass like regular days All this while you were out and about “I just don’t want a relationship” But remember, you told them all I wanted it like this Even when you knew better They came to me You would come to me And still I ripped out my heart …so you wouldn’t be bothered For your sake I never made a scene I guess your words came true… “You can’t make a good thing last forever” Tell them all that Tell them of the empty phone calls Your eyes closed on the other end Still ignoring me again and again The time I drove over in the rain And you cried sorrow filled tears upon this shoulder Just tell them and see what they say The point we’re at now, something has to be done I didn’t deserve this but you won’t hear me whine At the end you’re going to hate him By then these old four wheels will have me so far gone Leaving the empty memory of you behind The memory that reeks of uncertainties I’m sure this is what he wanted to hear I’ll please two of you with one stone Here is everything you wanted to hear You did make this hurt But I’m taking my turn to leave Drive by your house and wave With only this left to say… “Unlike you, I never hated you for what you were” And this is one thing in my life I can do nothing about. |
Submitted on 2004-12-15 21:27:42 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| K. Let me start by saying I've read almost all of your poems. I've addressed a couple of them that I liked, and left a few open. I will address specific things in specific poems that I have a problem with, but in general most of them come from the same thing: you sometimes have a tendency to lose or cloud meaning in order to string nice word combinations together. You did a good job of being far more to the point here. The conversational wording serves your talents well. You have a good ability to express emotion, and in this case, it's not empty emotion because the reader is clear on why you're troubled. This girl has taken you for a ride, misled you and now she wants to move on to somebody else. I’ll wait around until sunset for your call For you to lie, to say “I love you like nothing else” What a great start. You say so much there...set up the story well. You know it's a lie, but you wait up all night to hear it. How sad. Goosebump kinda stuff. Who has not been there? And made boring hours pass like regular days All this while you were out and about As you sit and suffer she goes about her life happily, as if you don't exist, as if your hurt doesn't matter... To avoid making a book out of this critique I'll wrap this up. The narrator is clearly taking this in a mature way. This is a big step above the typical teenage angst poem for that reason. There is no talk of suicide, no overdramatization. Just pure, honest pain. And this is one thing in my life I can do nothing about This leaves the reader with the same sense of helplessness that the narrator feels. You've done a fine job of describing your pain without making a hideous villian out of "her". Again, this shows maturity. I hope to see you do more work like this, rather than the abstract stuff. It's all good, but I'm hearing your voice in this one. And it's a voice that needs to be heard. | Posted on 2005-01-25 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ] | very interesting poem here.. and definitely very unique. | i like the conversational tone it has... and the way you used those little expressions that always come up in situations like this.. it all makes it seem very natural and real.. almost like a monologue where she doesn't want to hear what the possible response to this would be. there are a few typos here and there (“I love you like nothings else" .. ).. and it might need a bit of polishing up... although with re-working a poem like this i'd be wary of it because i'd be worried about losing the raw emotion it has in its original state. this was definitely a very thought provoking read. | Posted on 2004-12-21 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ] | This is a good peice. The message is good, but the flow is a little difficult to follow. However, it really grabs you and when you read one line you want to read the next one after that to see what is going to be said. Great work for the drama department. This could be a good peice for a story line, if it was expanded greatly. I ecspecially like the "attacked my lung" part. Very cool. | | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by Indigo Kid | [ Reply to This ] | oh my goodness...it seems like you really understand all the crap people pull when they think you're not looking... | my fav line is "unlike you i never hated you for what you were" you give the person too much credit for not hating them (don't be so humble)... isn't that why you wrote this piece...  | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by calling eve | [ Reply to This ] | Brilliantly dull, i like that, it's really quite witty. i liked the poem. i know hte feeling been where the guy has been...i hate that high school [censored]..."i just dont want to hold you back" at six teen yeah right...bnut yeah...your poem had a very conversational style to it...giving it a very real feeling to it...yeah i liked it | card | Posted on 2004-12-15 00:00:00 | by playing card | [ Reply to This ] | |
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