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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Black Lipstickdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Zu
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 446/379/76
    Words: 212
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Satire
    Total Views: 980
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1404



    Description:
       this is our first song, me and my band, and we're playing it this saturday in a concert, well i'm all metal, and no offense to any of my fellow metalheads out there. this was supposed to be a funny, punk song, cause thats what our band is. well i tried. so is it what it's supposed to be?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlack Lipstickdots
    -------------------------------------------


    dressed in black, dressed to kill
    wants to die, hope he will
    he can swear on god all he wants
    but it doesn't really have to make sense
    raves about satan and lucifer
    wonder if anybody gives tuppence.

    can't even read his own name
    is doped so much ain't that a shame
    he's kind of cool with black lipstick
    repeating the number 666
    he headbangs and whirls around
    wonder why he wear a cross upside down?

    worships masked madmen
    poor thing cant hold a pen
    doesn't need schooling he says
    never attended one i guess
    got a brain the size of a peanut
    with an iq of 10 more or less.

    can't even read his own name
    is doped so much ain't that a shame
    he's kind of cool with black lipstick
    repeating the number 666
    he headbangs and whirls around
    wonder why he wear a cross upside down?

    he thinks he's cool
    being the conformist he is
    i think he's just a fool
    doping to get bliss.

    can't even read his own name
    is doped so much ain't that a shame
    he's kind of cool with black lipstick
    repeating the number 666
    he headbangs and whirls around
    wonder why he wear a cross upside down?




    Submitted on 2004-12-16 08:34:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow, i would buy a cd with that song on it, and i say you can write songs a lot better than i can. Every once in a while, i can write something though. But this was really good. I have one suggestion though, the last verse should be a bit longer. well, that's it. bye.

    ~*~katara~*~
    | Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      i would love to hear you guys sing that song! songs like a really cool song. very nicely written. i love the whole punk bad guy think. made me smile when i read it. it is just really awesome!

    Ashley
    | Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by star_on_fire22 | [ Reply to This ]
      ha, this is kinda funny when you think about it. I love how all the punk rockers are trying so hard to not conform, but they're just conforming to themselves. and the lipstick thing, ah I love it. great little laugh here. The stanza with the iq thing sounds really great, not sure why, just has a nice flow or something. anyways this was a fun peice here. great job
    -steph
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      Sorry I didn't comment on this before, but i had to save it to my favorites b/c I liked it soo muc because I had to get off and I knew I wanted to reda it agin to take my time and comment.

    I really enjoyed this piece. It is darjer, but it gives a nice vibe. I just wish I could have heard the melody that goes with it. It's better because it's so or like a story. Explainging everything so perfectly on feelings etc...I am going to read your new piece now!
    | Posted on 2005-01-13 00:00:00 | by Chicool2 | [ Reply to This ]
      Some nice lyrics there Zu dude, I didn't find it funny to the point of laughter, but I would call it something more like light relief from all the serious lyrics out there. Once again you can take a subject and just write about it, something I'm only just learning to do with titles! Hope the concert goes well (if it has already, get back to me, okay) and its now the morning after our first concert. We belted Enter Sandman, The Trooper and Master of Puppets to some healthy applause and excellent feedback! Metal forever!
    | Posted on 2004-12-18 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      Like the previous commenter, unless you sing this fairly fast it kinda came off as pop soundingish song. Not that the lyrics were pop, just the beat a bit. Count your syllables, I absolutely HATE in songs when the band has a steady beat going and then they speed up just to fit in a rhyme. If you perform this slow amd careful enough you dont even need a rhyme, like some of the Brand New songs too, sorry cant think of any off the top of my head.

    I love the title and the lack lipstick 666 line. but although you put a slighlty negative look on him during this piece, I couldnt tell if you were trying to make a bad image of him or no?

    I realize I'm commenting a little late for your concert, but I thought I could put my two cents in anyway. You have an excellent song here and I want to here you on the Radio someday:O)

    --Kayla.
    *Good luck:O)
    | Posted on 2004-12-17 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't want to offend you, but i've been raised with music and i have been in the metal core scene for 2 years now, i have been through the punk and it never left me so now i guess i'm just punk metal core...yeah , whatever..lol...the song read off good in some verses but something about the rhythm of the chorus made it sound like it would be a pop punk chorus with semi punk(if it exists, just a range) verse. I dont know if thats the punk sound ya'll have(good charlette, pop punk) or if ya'll have it like a NOFX or casualties (street/punk against america Punk sound) write me back and tell me what yalls sound is who your idols in music are. but so far no offense (if you think its bad) it sound more like a pop punk song
    | Posted on 2004-12-16 00:00:00 | by EnHakkore | [ Reply to This ]
      I thnk this is one that the music will make all the difference with how it's recieved. A lighter tune will make it a tounge in cheek satire. A heavier tune will turn it to a personal affront to all of those who weight metal with satanic practice. it's not true, but not many people recognize that it's the lyrics not the heaviness of the song that matters.
    it was nice to actually see some of your work again. Good luck with the gig.
    jan
    | Posted on 2004-12-16 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      hey
    lol kl debut.
    i think this would make a gd punk song.
    its a serious issue but the way u describe things its funi so, yer, ur song is wat its spoze to be .
    i like this.

    gd luck for saturday.
    laters anoutia
    ~xXx~
    | Posted on 2004-12-16 00:00:00 | by Clementina oso | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that I may like this better than my satires of them cute lil metalheads. Glad to see that you're making a stand against them too. I found this piece quite charming and i'd love to hear it if you record it. The only slight suggestion that I would make, is that when you make fun of someone, its always good to not come out and say it cuz its funnier that way. This part is what i'm talking 'bout:

    he thinks he's cool
    being the conformist he is
    i think he's just a fool
    doping to get bliss.

    I'd do something with the "conformist" line. Hide it up but in a way that the reader knows you're calling him a conformist without actually saying the word. *nod*
    *thumbs up*
    ~Musing
    | Posted on 2004-12-31 00:00:00 | by MusingMinstrel | [ Reply to This ]


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