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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Without and indots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raksha
    ASL Info:    16/female
    Elite Ratio:    2.45 - 75/67/29
    Words: 81
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 241
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 590



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWithout and indots
    -------------------------------------------


    Watch-
    Watch her fail-
    Watch they say watch her fall-
    While she is just standing there-
    Alone-they bump into her-
    Invisiable she is.
    The breeze it flies right pass her existence.

    You hear a scream,
    it shrieks and travels down your spine.
    Chills come rushing through your entire body.
    Blasting shocks of pain.
    You intensely cover your ears,
    screaming along.
    Then everything is in silence,
    you peer around and realize
    It was you all along,
    screaming and wiltering in pain.




    Submitted on 2004-12-16 17:45:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      That was intriguing, and not just the unusual intriguing. Following along I had no idea where this piece was going. "How will she possibly end it?" I asked.
    You ended it well, though. But I have a few details I can't overlook.

    I am not sure I like that word 'wiltering' so much in the last line. It sounded a bit out of place in contrast to the language. And in - well:

    'The breeze it flies right pass her existence.'

    That line does not make as much sense as it should. Though it gets the image the grammar through me off. Same with this line:

    'Watch they say watch her fall-'

    Should commas seperate the 'they say'? I think that would make it better. oh, and you spelled 'invisible' wrong. That's just a quick change.
    Again, this was an intriguing piece...
    | Posted on 2004-12-17 00:00:00 | by luckypenny | [ Reply to This ]
      Deep image. The flow was a little rough, and some of the words were repetative, but it's still good. I liked how u took the poem from impersonal observation to personal experience.
    | Posted on 2004-12-16 00:00:00 | by Dark_Dancer | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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