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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Flood of Self-Corruptiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Geremy Smith
    ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171/145/23
    Words: 267
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 806
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1718



    Description:
       Someone that has lied to you, a friend yet you've gone back again and again. Still after the mask of friendliness is removed they turn to reveal your every secret and deepest emotion shared. Look forward to the feedback and what anyone might think of this piece...Thanks.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFlood of Self-Corruptiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Criss-cross these fingers through the blood
    Stare at it blankly
    Hoping for the beginning of a self-corrupting flood
    You ever wonder how this should be.
    No, your actions were all taken blindly
    Yet somehow you saw what was before me

    Now I donít care what you want
    Just give back what was mine
    Your fist smashed this pride
    No longer leaving the glistening blood to shine
    How you lie so clean Iíll never know
    But Iím taking you so you no longer show
    --all you found on the inside

    Sharpen your drama skills
    Tell all other ears youíre innocent
    Yet a guilty conscience kills
    Iíll ride across your conscience like a leaf across the breeze
    Your nostrils will be plugged
    So this guilt you cannot sneeze

    Youíve let your fun and games begin
    As your body slowly becomes broken
    The flesh of conscience, cold and blue
    All of this I could have told you
    But Iíll never give you the benefit
    You did nothing but backstab me
    And Iíll rip out these eyes so you can never see

    Whatís that sound?
    Now youíre screaming my name
    Itís so loud,
    --as your blood soaks up all this shame

    Feel me crawling
    Youíll always hear my echoing voice calling
    Words of everything youíve done to me
    --dance upon the ocean of your mind
    And youíve nothing left to find

    Donít even dare to pick up that phone
    That cord between us I severed
    Leaving you to stand alone

    Returning how you made me feel
    Yes, my turn to spin the wheel.




    Submitted on 2004-12-16 21:44:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      well, great work i must say. it always hurts when friends backstab you. you have captured this feeling really well. what really liked about this piece was the expressive language you used, flood of corruption, lots of symbolism as i can see. lots and lots of them, great way to express the power of conscience, and great way to end it too, "my turn now". thats what you mean right? it is rather very long but keeps the reader glued to it, and that i credit to your style of writing. great work dude, this screams talent like i've never seen!

    kill all the backstabbers in the world!!

    Zu
    | Posted on 2004-12-25 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      the pain of betrayal slapped in your face by a trusted friend... that always stings when it happens and the way you express it here is very clear and very strong in emotion...

    "How you lie so clean Iíll never know"

    - that is so representative of the shock it is to realize dishonesty... I've also had the experience of having my trust betrayed by a believed close friend of mine... for me, the confusion, the hurt and the anger are expressed strongly in this one line here...

    very expressive and justifiable feelings... sorry you had to go through that experience though *hug*

    thanks for taking the time to read and comment my posting... I appreciate it very much :) I want to say that I myself do not tend to gather around people of the sort but sometimes it is beyond your decision and you are subjected to this kind of situation (ex lunch room at work, type of deal)... not meant to be condescending toward your age but as you will carry on in life you will see it will happen to you more than you would like... it's a major bore *sigh*

    take care :)
    *hug* xx
    | Posted on 2004-12-21 00:00:00 | by Fiine Moods | [ Reply to This ]
      that is a really good poem. i really liked the "feel me Crawling" paragraph. but i dissagree with the whole telling your friend what he did insted of how you felt. its no good if they dont learn too
    | Posted on 2004-12-19 00:00:00 | by Di Re Rakord | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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