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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hide and Seekdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Indigo Kid
    ASL Info:    33/f/everywhere
    Elite Ratio:    3.73 - 428/438/115
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1150
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 937



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHide and Seekdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am counting to ten
    behind
    the old maple tree.

    The smell of
    mold
    mustiness
    bark
    consumes my nose
    The air is
    stagnant

    Whispering
    I must give you ample time to hide
    I know you will find a good place
    You always do

    Where will it be this time?

    Moist anticipation
    Wondering which brair patch
    I will crawl through to find you
    this time

    It is rare
    for me to come through
    without a bloody mess
    on my flawed persona

    Whispering
    Ready or not hear I come...

    Looking
    Searching
    The desolate landscape
    dried up sage and echos

    A glimpse of a shadow

    There you are

    Inside the sentient clad steel trap

    Sitting as bait




    Submitted on 2004-12-16 23:48:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I love how you've taken something so light hearted and care free as a game of hide and seek and spun it into something deeper and more serious. It almost resembles a spectrum, starting at light and gradually darkening.
    | Posted on 2004-12-20 00:00:00 | by little_theif | [ Reply to This ]
      This is great,- a childhood game of hide-and-Seek as a metaphor for the ups and downs of a relationship, It sounds a lot like the first stages , where you are getting to know one another-the playful rhythm lends credence to this also,

    I loved the ending
    "There you are

    Inside the sentient clad steel trap

    Sitting as bait" -
    everything about it was right on, the spacing, the breaks, the trap and bait imagery-
    Nothing to offer as a suggestion to improve, i like this just as it stands.
    Silver
    | Posted on 2004-12-20 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I felt stupid after reading this and realizing the metaphor. Then I went back and looked for the thing that sent me off track. I think it is the article, THE old maple tree. That sent me off believing for the first moment that there was this specific tree you used to play hide and seek with. Of course I now believe this all to be figurative language dealing with a relationship, I think a passive-aggressive relationship. Perhaps if it had just been AN old maple tree I wouldn't have gone awry, but hey, it was definitely worth the extra trip. Very vivid way of describing how it feels to come out of a scrape with your mate.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-12-17 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem was lovely. I know it might sound a little off to compare this to what i'm about to say, but this is really how I saw this. I got the distinct feeling of a pair of sweethearts "finding" each other for the very first time. It was like they were trying to find each other's souls through their eyes...I'm off aren't I - way off...so sorry...
    | Posted on 2004-12-17 00:00:00 | by calling eve | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, this is great. I almost want to add it to my favourites, but I've been adding too many as it is. Anyway, this is nice...I mean..here I was expecting something nostalgic, but you really took it in an interesting direction while keeping things relative with the graphic content. Very very subtle. Bravo!
    | Posted on 2004-12-16 00:00:00 | by Shuurinakisame | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved it, looking for love, life, wealth and all of that! well placed words, well thought drama and lovely pictoral writing. no criticisim as not much to criticise.
    | Posted on 2004-12-16 00:00:00 | by ARCHIE | [ Reply to This ]


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