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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A “Filling” Youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Geremy Smith
    ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171/145/23
    Words: 162
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Misc
    Total Views: 1070
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1009



    Description:
       Bascially the using of another that is a large addiction. Use your fill..discard and come back for another round.

    Look forward to any thoughts...Thanks.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA “Filling” Youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The more I taste
    The more I lie
    Need my fill of you
    The more I taste
    The more I lie
    Nothing more of me

    When in my arms
    All they do is speak of you
    Throw your apathy to an end
    Just to turn back
    Need another fill of you

    My sight for hungry eyes today
    I want more inside of me
    The deceit a remorseful addiction
    A poetical high
    As my fingers choke this into you

    The farther I sink
    The farther you die
    Needing this bloody lie
    The farther I sink
    The farther you die
    Nothing short of darkened sky

    Let me take this fill of you
    Paper cut your eyes
    Place over them
    the bandages of black
    It’s all I’ve got for sale today

    The more I taste
    The more I lie
    Something so additional

    The farther I sink
    The farther you die
    I took my fill of you.




    Submitted on 2004-12-17 11:19:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really like this. Addiction is something everybody struggles with. You described an addiction so well. So much emotion, or in this case non emotion. The lack of enthusiasm in this. The whispered pain. Then the fading away. Nothing more. Rotting from the core. It was so good.

    Broken
    | Posted on 2005-01-26 00:00:00 | by Broken heart dies | [ Reply to This ]
      la de da da. Im really impressed. Its a really way to look at an addiction, an addiction to a person, and how bad you think you need them.
    I liked how structured this was, and I also think it would make a phenomenal song!
    Good work and good luck!
    -Andrya
    | Posted on 2004-12-24 00:00:00 | by andrya | [ Reply to This ]
      The more I taste
    The more I lie
    Need my fill of you
    The more I taste
    The more I lie
    Nothing more of me

    The last line of that stanza. Was amazing. Simply just stayed with me. Kept re-reading it. Living a lie for a certain person until there's nothing left of yourself. Kills you slowly. I know this. Unfortunately. I wish this kinda pain on no one. *Sighs* Again. You astound me. I just sit here and shake my head. Your bloody awesome. *Smiles*
    ~BCute
    | Posted on 2004-12-20 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      This is excellent. I like the ambiguity in this piece. I'm assuming (from the poem and description) that it's about an obsessive, abusive relationship:

    As my fingers choke this into you

    The farther I sink
    The farther you die
    Needing this bloody lie
    The farther I sink
    The farther you die

    I know you mean that when you get a little bit of her that you want more, but I read something about Kurt Cobain that said that "And I forget just why I taste" was a reference to the practice of injecting heroin right below the skin. I don't know. Heroin goes into your arms, and I have no idea what a heroin high is like, so "they" could be hallucinations from the drug.
    Like I said, I know it's about a relationship, but the imagery is so disturbing and all over the place that the heroin thing works.

    I found:

    Let me take this fill of you
    Paper cut your eyes
    Place over them
    the bandages of black
    It’s all I’ve got for sale today

    most interesting. "Paper cut your eyes" is almost painful to read. Are the black bandages your eyelids going black from death? I know that black bandages are a traditional symbol of mourning.
    | Posted on 2004-12-18 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok so I think this piece shows alot of promise. I just have a few thoughts that in my opinion could make it stronger.please dont take this as an insult Im just throwing around some idea.


    Need my fill of you
    The more I taste
    The more I lie
    Please nothing more of me

    When in my arms
    All they do is speak of you
    Throw your apathy to an end
    Just to turn back
    Need another fill

    My sight for hungry eyes today
    I want more inside of me
    Deceit a remorseful addiction
    A poetical high
    As my fingers choke this into you

    The farther I sink
    You die just a little more
    Needing this lie
    spoken under the darkened sky

    Let me take this fill of you
    Paper cut your eyes
    cover them with
    black bandages
    It’s all I’ve got for sale today

    The more I taste
    The more I lie
    Something so additional

    The farther I sank
    The more you died
    because I took my fill of you.


    yeah so just some ideas I got as I read the piece. Feel free to use or loose my suggestions. Just watch out for so much repition so close together it weakens the overall structure of the piece. Keep it up my friend!-JOhn
    | Posted on 2004-12-17 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this part the best "Let me take this fill of you
    Paper cut your eyes
    Place over them
    the bandages of black
    It’s all I’ve got for sale today"
    It creates a really weird visual image...and It's a prett cool one. I think this may be one of your better pieces...although I think maybe it should be further instead of farther...you may want a second opinion on that one though.
    *two thumbs up*
    | Posted on 2004-12-17 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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