I really like this. Addiction is something everybody struggles with. You described an addiction so well. So much emotion, or in this case non emotion. The lack of enthusiasm in this. The whispered pain. Then the fading away. Nothing more. Rotting from the core. It was so good.
la de da da. Im really impressed. Its a really way to look at an addiction, an addiction to a person, and how bad you think you need them. I liked how structured this was, and I also think it would make a phenomenal song! Good work and good luck! -Andrya
The more I taste The more I lie Need my fill of you The more I taste The more I lie Nothing more of me
The last line of that stanza. Was amazing. Simply just stayed with me. Kept re-reading it. Living a lie for a certain person until there's nothing left of yourself. Kills you slowly. I know this. Unfortunately. I wish this kinda pain on no one. *Sighs* Again. You astound me. I just sit here and shake my head. Your bloody awesome. *Smiles* ~BCute
This is excellent. I like the ambiguity in this piece. I'm assuming (from the poem and description) that it's about an obsessive, abusive relationship:
As my fingers choke this into you
The farther I sink The farther you die Needing this bloody lie The farther I sink The farther you die
I know you mean that when you get a little bit of her that you want more, but I read something about Kurt Cobain that said that "And I forget just why I taste" was a reference to the practice of injecting heroin right below the skin. I don't know. Heroin goes into your arms, and I have no idea what a heroin high is like, so "they" could be hallucinations from the drug. Like I said, I know it's about a relationship, but the imagery is so disturbing and all over the place that the heroin thing works.
I found:
Let me take this fill of you Paper cut your eyes Place over them the bandages of black It’s all I’ve got for sale today
most interesting. "Paper cut your eyes" is almost painful to read. Are the black bandages your eyelids going black from death? I know that black bandages are a traditional symbol of mourning.
Ok so I think this piece shows alot of promise. I just have a few thoughts that in my opinion could make it stronger.please dont take this as an insult Im just throwing around some idea.
Need my fill of you The more I taste The more I lie Please nothing more of me
When in my arms All they do is speak of you Throw your apathy to an end Just to turn back Need another fill
My sight for hungry eyes today I want more inside of me Deceit a remorseful addiction A poetical high As my fingers choke this into you
The farther I sink You die just a little more Needing this lie spoken under the darkened sky
Let me take this fill of you Paper cut your eyes cover them with black bandages It’s all I’ve got for sale today
The more I taste The more I lie Something so additional
The farther I sank The more you died because I took my fill of you.
yeah so just some ideas I got as I read the piece. Feel free to use or loose my suggestions. Just watch out for so much repition so close together it weakens the overall structure of the piece. Keep it up my friend!-JOhn
I like this part the best "Let me take this fill of you Paper cut your eyes Place over them the bandages of black It’s all I’ve got for sale today" It creates a really weird visual image...and It's a prett cool one. I think this may be one of your better pieces...although I think maybe it should be further instead of farther...you may want a second opinion on that one though. *two thumbs up*
Submission Name: A “Filling” You
