Old Child by Suven7

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Submission Name: Old Child dots

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Author:	Suven7
ASL Info:	18 female Fla
Elite Ratio:	7.1 - 477/259/47
Words:	75

Class/Type:	Poetry/Nostalgia
Total Views:	318
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	527

Description:
A piece I submitted to my school newspaper. It is intentionally open-ended, simple. Also, this one reveals old wishes that never came true. Merry Christmas and Thank you for sharing the burden.

Old Child dots

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A child yearns for your secure hold
But you've traded him in,
Forgotten what you've been.

And day-by-day he's growing cold
Empty of the warmth you've never shown
-Of the love you've never known.

The child who is your heart's gold
Is molding after you,
Going through the pains you went through.

As a child, you too have wished
That, (wherever your dad was),
Today...
You too were missed.

Submitted on 2004-12-17 20:45:58 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I felt this was a wonderful piece. I loved the strength of emotion that you expressed. There was a song "Cat's in the cradle" that spoke a messege of growing up in the pattern of our parents. Sadly this poem reminded me to stop and take time to enjoy my children more. Don't ever let children grow used to that feeling. You never get the time back. Thank you.

There was one thing that did throw me. In the last stanza it did not appear that you kept true to the form you had established.

.................old
Then two rhyming lines

| Posted on 2006-08-10 00:00:00 | by Traveller | [ Reply to This ]
  I shall make this a 3 way comment. Firstly, thank you for your favur with my Sibling Rivalry poem. I can see why it would appeal after reading your poem above. Incidentally your bio has you as female, so why do you take a male role in your poem?
Second, your journal entry. Warum hast Du das alles auf Deutsch geschrieben, das so wenige hier verstehen wuerden? Und warum hast Du diese Zitierung ausgewaehlt, die an und fuer sich in einem schwierigen und altmodischen Stil geschrieben wird? Was lohnt es klug zu sein, wenn die Welt Deine Klugheit nicht schaetzt?
Back to to your poem - You have established a ryhme scheme and stuck to it through your poem which is good and your rhyme does not appear unduly forced. That "molding" in verse 3 troubles me. You mould someone else (transitive). You mould yourself on someone else (reflexive). You are moulded by someone else (passive). All these variants seem to work, but you have tried to use it as an intransitive verb which doesn't seem to work especially as it reminds us of the valid intransitive verb "Is mouldering" which gives an impression you do not want. Could I suggest a simple correct to "Moulds himself after you"? What happened to your rhyme scheme in the last verse. You already have "wished" and "missed" which you can use. All you need is to shuffle your lines a little, something like:

To be wherever father was
Was once your childish wish
And now Dad, it's you your child does miss.

Despite these suggestions, I liked your poem, but don't give up on getting it right until you've explored everybpossible word combination.
| Posted on 2005-02-10 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
  i think... it is interesting to see such a write... a child waiting for their father to return home... i too have written one along such lines but i do not feel there is any comparrision between yours and mine... yours is simply amazing...

i love the open endedness of this... and i guess the idea i got of you wishing your father would be there like he wished his was and everyone kinda missed out...
almost like your father being the only thing he knew a father was... absent... and that is very sad...

i always said when i grew up i was gonna be a daddy and i was gonna be the best daddy ever... i was gonna show them how it was done and then i found out that girls couldnt be daddys... kinda ruined my plan but even then i knew the importance of fathers in childrens lives...

anyways... i respect the honesty with which you write from... take care of you.
| Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  Aw man do I understand this feeling. Maybe not the exact same situation, but I understand.

I pushed my mum away to be rebellious a couple years ago, and then when I wanted her she wasnt there. Of course being the genius I am I blamed her for leaving me be but the whole time it was my doing.

Obviously your case is not the same, but I understand the feeling of being alone. Its cold and empty, but it doesnt have to last forever. I leanred my way out by trial and error, you however can just grow from this experience. Dont let something negative take you down.

Your piece was good, I could feel your emotion and longing in ever ounce of your writing. The ending could've been bolder, but I think what you have is good enough as it is. Excellent write.

--Kayla
| Posted on 2004-12-26 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]

This makes me really sad! I really don't like poems like this because they make me feel guilty and I don't even know why. . . my dad loves me and is always there and doesn't mind me tagging along, so I don't really know why it makes me feel this way but even still.

Anyway, I think on the last line of the second stanza I would put that in paretheses because it's more of an inside thought than something you would put a dash in front of. And the rhyming on the third stanza was a bit lacking; something about the beat and using the word you were trying to rhyme with ("you") in the last line threw me off a bit; I couldn't even hear the line. But other than that, it was well-written.
-Secret
| Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a decent passage. Only a few minor odds and ends really hold it back from being a really good poetic achievement.
| Posted on 2004-12-17 00:00:00 | by gavinspikenard | [ Reply to This ]
  As a child, you too have wished
That, wherever your dad was,
Today...
You too were missed.

I can relate to the first stanza as well as the last but my feelings differ on the poem about the whole "sweetness" aspect of it as she calls it. I think this is a poem about wanting attention from your parents. yearning for it. Wishing for it . Wanting and needing to be loved like the parents of the child once were. But the parent is holding back something. So, the child begins to grow more and more like the parent...with no significant dwelling other then the fact of a simple wishes. And the fact of being missed.
| Posted on 2004-12-17 00:00:00 | by Brwnsknsam05 | [ Reply to This ]
  this is sweet i love it i think that it was great i see how you are looking in on a persons life and telling the world how it is to have a parent not love you and the child become thier parent. this is a great way to express to parents that you should love your children with all your heart because one day it will all come back to you in how you treated your kids. this is awsome and keep up the good work.
| Posted on 2004-12-17 00:00:00 | by rose_thorn88 | [ Reply to This ]

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